What big plans, big liar?

I can't begin to express my excitement over the upcoming THREE-DAY WEEKEND. THREE DAYS! It's very exciting. And very deserving of ALL-CAPS.

Alright, I know I said I had big plans coming for this site. My "big plans" may be taking a vacation from it for awhile. I've been doing a pathetic job at keeping it up lately. I don't need anyone to point that little fact out to me. It's not that I don't have anything to post anymore... I do. I have a lot to say. The trouble is finding the time to write. And there are other factors involved as well.

I'm not giving it up for good. I'm eventually switching domain names. I just need to find a big chunk of time to dedicate to this project. And my hosting site has been no help at all. Eh. Just stick with me for a little while. I'll still be here for a bit.

So my animal-loving coworker gave me a calendar at the beginning of this year. I'm not sure a wall calendar is very usefully to me, especially perched over my desk because I can't ever reach it to turn the page to a new month. So I'm usually about two months behind until someone takes pity on me and flips it. Being two months off bothers my coworkers more than me. No, what bothers ME is this calendar from the IFAW Animal Sanctuary Campaign. It's bringing me down. Every new month has an adorable animal and mini-lecture on it. "Spay and neuter your dogs!" and "Outlaw the rampant trade of exotic animal!" I feel like I'm personally responsible for the suffering of birds, primates, and infant wildlife! I hate it. It's not that I disagree. I don't hate the animals. I just don't want to be reminded of it every time I glance at the wall. Where's Dilbert when you need him?

I miss you!

Ugh. It's that time of year again when the wasp start crawling in my window at work. I am lamenting the absence of Adam the Intern, Bug Squasher. I don't like it at all. I don't think the new intern will be up to the killing challenge.

Side Note to Adam: I saw the preview for Day Watch!

Weekend Update

The weekend was great! I have a few photos as promised. Unfortunately, none of the naked campfire dancing came out very well so... maybe next year. Just so you know, naked campfire dancing is highly over-rated. Steph and Vince brought Kate and she pretty much made the schedule for the weekend. Can you say spoiled? Grandma can.

Rebecca and Megan showed up and the festivities began. I think it's funny that they pulled up to a campground looking like a couple of models. They have way more fashion sense than I do, but not common sense. Ha. The first thing we did -- search for non-meat products for the campfire. Rebecca managed to find some Smart Dogs at the local Weiss (which she later told us tasted a lot like the sole of a shoe). Then we were off to Mt. Hope Winery to stock up on wine. We managed to find a gas station that sold firewood and bought a few bundles. Not 20 minutes later, the heavens opened and it rained for the rest of the night.

Real campers don't let a little rain slow them down. We are not real campers. We sat in my van for an hour and a half trying to figure out how to have a campfire without disturbing Kate and without sitting in the rain. We finally decided to ditch Vince and Kate and have the fire close enough to my parents' awning where we could have some shelter but still roast hot dogs. Brilliant.

Overall, the weekend was highly enjoyable. It's difficult to get everyone together these days so, when we can, it's always a good time.

Happy Mother's Day

It's that time of year again! Time for the Mothers Day Campout in beautiful Lancaster, PA! This year will feature Steph and Vince, Megan, Rebecca, Mom, Dad, and of course me and the fiance. We will be visiting wineries, eating homemade ice cream, and dancing naked around the camp fire. If you're lucky, I'll have pictures next week. And really, who doesn't want to see pictures of naked camp fire dancing?

But they make me taller

See? High heels are EVIL.

Update...kind of

For the past week, I have been insanely busy with all the things that go along with being the Maid-of-Honor in my best friend from high school's wedding. I've been frantically shopping for shoes, preparing a toast, rehearsing, primping, and all that crap. Nichole's wedding was Friday evening at 6 p.m. and we couldn't have asked for better weather. The wedding was held at The Cloisters in Baltimore, a stunning location, full of fantastic settings for tons of photos. Check out the slide show if you're interested.

So the big news...

I'm engaged. :)

I'll have to fill you in later. A change for this site is in the works.

Kate likes dog food... pass it on!

Training with the Feds

I've been taking a training class on administering Microsoft Office SharePoint Server all week long. I figured it would be a good career move, especially if I can manage to get certified in it, and my company offered to pay the ridiculous amount for it. Unfortunately, it has not been the best learning experience for me so far. I like the instructor and think he knows more in his pinky than I will ever learn in my lifetime. But my classmates are more on the beginner level.

On a positive note:
I have learned a few things I can take back with me.
I eavesdropped on a fascinating discussion about spoiling children.
I've eaten some very good sandwiches for lunch.
I'm missing work all week.
I sit in the back so I can watch other people without notice.

Unfortunately...
I sit in the back so I'm blind without my glasses.
I have to beg people to open the building's heavy doors for me.
I've been kind of bored.
I'm the only one that doesn't work for the FBI so I don't know anyone...and FBI employees in general are not very friendly.

Stinkin' FBI.

It's only Wednesday though and I'm sure the class will pick up soon.

Bleh

I hate malt balls. They are disgusting. Every year I think I'll bite into one and actually enjoy it and every year I'm disappointed. But that doesn't stop me from eating two or three and then I loathe myself. It's almost as if I think I'll discover I love them with the second bite or third malt ball. I'm hopeful. But it's no use. Next year someone remind me that I hate them.

I hate Blink 182 as well. Apparently much more than I hate malt balls.

Happy Easter!

So the White House has unveiled it's 2007 Easter Egg Collection, a collection of 50 eggs (one from each state) painted by regional artists. They got nothin' on the 2007 Barnes Collection. Megan finally made it home from her South American excursion (sky-diving DVD in hand) in time to help us color eggs. It's a family tradition in our house. We don't have tons of family traditions, but the few we have involve decorating food items.

Every year, whoever is around gets together and competes for Best Egg. In the past, we've had some great eggs. Rebecca started a tie-dying trend and Dad always creates a self-portrait egg. I generally stick with my scribble technique. My egg ideas are always best implemented by other people. This year, we had mostly theme eggs. You'll see some of the best below:

Notice the Rebecca Tribute Egg (tie-dyed), the Earth Egg, the Camo Egg, and my finest work -- the Hell Fire and Damnation Egg. Mom tried to put a cross sticker on my Hell Egg to sanctify it but I would hear nothing of it. I think I have a Scribble Egg in there somewhere.

Unfortunately, Mom left that whole basket of eggs out for three days now so I'm not eating any of those. She swears they're fine to eat but I think she's nuts. I'm just glad I have photographic evidence of which ones have the Egg Rot.

Question

Is it okay to dump the cruddy remains of my tea into my plant? You know, the sediment from the tea bag? Will it kill it or is it similar enough to water?

Enough already, cellphone gods!

I'm not a frequent text-messager, but at times I do text a few people. It's not included in my phone plan so I don't send many messages. And I'm REALLY slow when I do compose one. Most often I text back and forth with my coworker Mike. A few weeks ago I sent him a text message telling him I spilled Listerene on myself that morning. His response to me: "Normally you smell like cornchips, so at least this is different." Funny at the time. But something is either all messed up with his phone or mine because, for the past few weeks, I've received this text message repeatedly at the strangest times. One time, I got it 7 times in a row. I called him and told him he could stop sending it. It wasn't funny any more. But he said it wasn't him.

So I'm getting a complex. I feel like I smell like Fritos because I get this stupid message on my cellphone at all hours. If I'm going to repetitively get a text message, I'd prefer it to be something uplifting... not having anything to do with the stink of corn chips.

Return to reality

So Rebecca, Steph and Vince came back from Hawaii with lots of pictures, most of Kate but a few of Vince looking very drunk. I'm looking forward to hearing all about their trip. Megan comes back from her South America excursion on April 2. She's wandered everywhere including Uraguay, Brazil, Argentina... I don't care about pictures. I'm hoping she comes back with something authetic, like tribal scars or a bone through the nose because, didn't you know?... Everyone from South America lives in tribe-like camps in tents and drinks hard alcohol made from chewed corn. I can't wait.

On tea

So I've successfully lowered the amount of caffeine I drink daily after I realized how terrible it is for your bones. Don't believe me? Google caffeine and bones. I have bad enough bone density since I don't do a lot of weight-bearing so I figured the last thing my poor bones need is my daily coffee fix.

So I've been trying to drink a lot more tea. True, some tea still contains caffeine, but it's significantly less than coffee. I've discovered I really like tea. And the good thing about it is that, like coffee, it drive my dentist nuts. So I don't have to lose one of my greatest pleasures in life: attempting to cause my dentist as much pain as he's caused me. My favorite teas are the ones that truly taste like tea is supposed to taste: black tea, green tea...

The tea I do not enjoy:
Rose tea
Vanilla tea
Pomegranate green tea
Peppermint tea

My favorites:
Apple green tea
Honeybush caramel tea
English breakfast tea
Peach ginger tea
Chamomile tea

I really like Chai too, but I recently picked up some Tazo Chai and it's the most potent tea I've ever had. Almost as strong as coffee. And usually I enjoy my tea strong with flavor, but this stuff I steep for about 5 seconds. Any longer and it's wretched.

I think Tazo is weird anyway. Here's what it says on the back of the box:
"When the spirit of a village started to fall and people lost their enthusiasm for life, the leader would often summon a tea shaman to distribute Tazo, which gave the community a renewed sense of joy."

Crazy talk. This Chai makes me feel a lot of things but a "renewed sense of joy" is not one.

On the road

Steph, Vince, and Rebecca are in Hawaii right now and Megan has been in South America for 2-1/2 months. I'm feeling deprived! I need travel!

Free tickets?

Ha! I'll tell you exactly why Universal Studios is giving away free tickets to see The Peaceful Warrior. It's because the movie sucks! Well, I can't say that. To be fair, I haven't seen the movie. But the book sucks! I started reading it about two years ago, and still haven't finished it. I just can't do it. It's awful. The story line is weird, but worse, the writing is terrible. It's almost like a 6th grader wrote it. Eh. Maybe the movie will be much better. I'll probably add it to my Netflix queue so I can see how it ends.

Do Not Watch

I do the whole Netflix thing and couldn't be happier about it. Blockbuster sucks. The problem is that my turn-over time for movies is really bad. It didn't used to be. I'm on the three-movies-at-a-time plan and should probably drop down to one. I put the movie Hostage on my list well over two months ago and just watched it last night. If you weren't aware, Hostage stars Bruce Willis as a hostage negotiator and is REALLY bad. Really. I'm not joking.

A good friend of mine scoffed at me when I told him I rented it. He said that I should just know that, with certain actors, the movie is going to blow regarless of what the movie is about. He said he doesn't watch anything with Bruce Willis, Jean-Claude Van Damm, Steven Seagal, Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee Jones... He just knows better.

So my question to you... Are there actors like that on your Do Not Watch List?

And knowing is half the battle

So, while perusing some of my older entries, it really hit me how bad I've been sucking here recently. I've been really lazy. My older stuff was great! What happened?! Well, things probably aren't going to improve much in the near future, but at least I realize now how bad I suck. Actually, that's not a new development... I've always known deep down. Ha!

Steph came down with Kate last night so I'll try to snag a few pics for you faithful few who are hanging in there.

I'm so helpful

Common-sense resume tips for students applying for internships:

1. Never underestimate the importance of a well-crafted resume. Your resume is the first (and sometimes only) impression you give. If words are misspelled, you look sloppy. And nobody wants a sloppy intern. You may think you're a lot better than your resume shows, but you may never get the opportunity to prove it. A good resume gets your foot in the door.

2. At least attempt to list work experiences that have something to do with the job you're applying for. Perhaps you'll find it helpful to have your objective listed at the top of the page. If you're applying for an engineering internship, please do not list your experience working in your church nursery. Although admirable, it will not convince others you can program web applications. Listing non-applicable work experiences only cheapen the applicable work experiences. Really, if you want a job answering phones, list your experience with last summer's job answering phones.

3. Along those same line, emphasize the crap out of the applicable job experiences you've had. Don't simply list what job title you had, tell us what you did in the most detail you can squeeze out. That doesn't mean write a book. It means that employers don't care if you only have two jobs listed as long as they show you have something to offer them.

4. Never list a breakdown of the Microsoft Office package as your computer skills. NEVER. Everyone who owns a computer knows Microsoft Internet Explorer and Word. It's a waste of space and makes you look stupid. If you've got no other skills, I suppose you can simply list "MS Office." But if you list experience with C++ or Jave, try to figure out programs you've used those with.

5. You may want to consider listing the classes you're taking that apply to the job. Just because you've taken one class in Introductory Programming doesn't mean you know Java. It's best to be honest about your skill level because it's better not to get hired than to get hired and then fired for knowing nothing.

I wish I got a buttery refund

Being the mostly-awesome friend I am, I am officially directing you to go watch Mr. Russell Dale in his entry for the H&R Block TaxCut Online "Me & My Super Sweet Refund Video Contest" and vote for him. Why? Because his is far superior to the other crap that was filmed. And I know this because I wasted a good 30 minutes trying to find another video remotely comparable. It's not just because I'm friends with RAD, people. Truthfully, there is some stanky crap out there.

See for yourself. Watch "My Buttery Refund" here and vote.

Rehab

It's becoming very fashionable to go to rehab. I want to go to rehab now, but first, I have to do something that seems crazy. Shaving the head has been done. So has copious amounts of alcohol and car accidents. Crotch shots? Done. I don't really want to endanger anyone else. But if Michael Richards can go for using the N-word and Whichever-Twin Olsen can go for anorexia, I should be able to figure out something. Maybe I can go for overeating. That'd be perfect.

Or maybe I'd just get stuck in Fat Camp. Bad idea.

Katherine the Great

How cute is my niece Kate? And I bought her that outfit for Christmas. I love it! She looks very sporty.

Evil

I'm pretty certain one of the cruelest things to do to your coworkers is burn popcorn in the kitchen microwave.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What my car used to look like

I love this story out of Florida. It's so filthy disgusting:

Mountains of trash stuffed inside a woman's car in Cape Cod, Mass., caused the car to accelerate and crash, according to police.

Police in West Yarmouth said there was so much trash in 53-year-old Ann Ann Biglan's Ford Focus that some of it fell onto the gas and brake pedals, causing her to lose control.

While losing control, Biglan drove through a post office parking space, over the curb and across a freeway.

She then hit a Ford Explorer and backed over another sidewalk before finally crashing into a flowerpot in a gas station's parking lot.

Biglan was charged with negligent and impeded operation of a motor vehicle, failure to use care in backing, and operating with a rejected safety inspection sticker.

Awesome

I really like that I'm beginning to get comment spam from Elvis Presley. Even if it is from beyond the grave. I hope my next dead celebrity spammer is Anna Nicole Smith.

Satellite

For Christmas this year, I was given XM radio. I had no idea what I was missing! I haven't listened to my poor iPod in over a week. Now I have an unlimited stream of commercial-free music keeping me company. It's all I listen to at work. My favorite channels: Ethel (alternative hits), XM Cafe, and of course the 80s and 90s stations. I have experimented around with other channels as well. My coworkers have on occasion caught me listening to the dance/techno channel. The faster paced the music, the more productive I am.

Dental woes

I've always been a big proponent of oral hygiene. It's a necessity. Not only are cavities painful, you will get no lovin' if your breath stinks. Ever since I was in high school, I've been fanatical about keeping my teeth and mouth in mint condition. I wasn't one of those crazy people who can found in the bathroom after lunch bent over the sink brushing. No, those people have gone overboard. But I was a floss-carrier and didn't hesitate to use it.

My relationship with the dentist began when I was 5 or so, and I had a dentist named Doctor Dixie. I never minded going to see him, but I remember very little besides his name and how it reminded me of a Dixie cup. Dixie cups and Mason jars. The things we remember...

My real pain began in junior high when I realized my teeth were screwed up. They were so screwed up, I had teeth growing every which way. I don't really remember getting teesed about my fugly mouth. The way I see it, my classmates missed a golden opportunity because I sure would've ridiculed me. And so began the extractions, metal appliances to stretch my mouth, and eventually braces. Thousands of dollars later, my teeth were nearly perfect, the only flaw being where my orthodontist pulled one of my teeth down from the roof of my mouth 180-degrees backwards. So I look a little vampirish on one side. Overall, they looked great. Until my car accident. One lost tooth and a bridge later, they still look pretty good.

So I'm just a little obsessed with taking care of my investment. I visit my dentist regularly for routine cleaning and check-ups. My last check-up was scheduled back in autumn, however the office called me to reschedule at the last minute. They canceled on me. Now, as much as I think oral hygiene is essential, I loathe the appointments. Not only are they almost always torturous, they're inconvenient as well. I have to take time off work. I have to move from my wheelchair to the dentist's chair. It's just not fun. So when they canceled on me, I was relieved. The problem is that I'm now being harassed to make another appointment. For a while it was a voice mail every now and then, reminding me to call the office. I didn't. Then I started getting letters. The last was from the dentist himself, explaining that people who miss their 6-month check-ups have more problems with cavities and gum disease. I consider that a scare tactic. I don't like it at all. What's next? Blackmail? And I was about to reschedule. Now, it's a stand-off. They canceled in the first place!

How long can I hold out? I don't know. Eventually I'll reschedule. And I should do it before I get a cavity. The last thing I need is my dentist saying I told you so.

Quick poll: How many of you see the dentist on a 6-month basis? How many cavities do you have? Do you think it's necessary? Are your teeth black and falling out? Does your breath stink? Do you brush your tongue?

Weekend Review

Steph, Vince, and the adorable Kate came down for a quick visit. Family time is good, but the real reason for the visit was to attend the Wine and Chocolate Dessert Extravaganza in honor of Kim's birthday. More on that later. But first, pictures!

Proof that I'm the favorite aunt. We are pretty in pink. She's trying to dress like me already. She loves me! Look at her. She's practically falling all over me. She can't get enough!

And here's mom.

But my favorite picture is dad! Vince has such nice teeth. His teeth...possibly one of his finest features. By the way, the full-sized version is now my new desktop wallpaper. It's sort of like Vince is looking directly at me though my monitor. Sometimes I minimize all my application so I can look at his smiling face.

A few months ago, when Kim, her mom, and I were at the winery, we tried several wines that went deliciously with chocolate. Kim could barely contain herself at the thought of the chocolate and wine combo. So being the awesome friend I am, I hosted her Chocolate and Wine party for her birthday.

I can't figure out why nobody is smiling... I was smiling.

With all this food and booze, how could you not smile? (click to enlarge)

I provided the wine: Raspberry and Steeple Chase Red, and asked everyone to bring a chocolate dessert. We had truffles, chocolate-covered shortbread cookies, chocolate pudding cake and ice cream, chocolate and cream cheese cupcakes, chocolate-peanut butter cake, pound cake with chocolate sauce, french silk pie, and a few other desserts we didn't even cut into to. Waaaaaay to much food on hand.

Probably didn't know this about Allison

I ran across this little meme on Big J's site and, since I've been a slacker for over a week now, I thought I'd give it a whirl.

-----------------------------------------

Allison was born on the tenth of October 1808 in Madison county Kentucky.

Allison grew up in the South. She was the designated dishwasher during her early years, since she even burned Pop Tarts.

Allison likes to dance. When she dances, the bunnies are compelled to dance.

Allison hates you for not using the fabric softener with the bear on it.

Allison spends most of her time asleep.

Allison eats a worm.

Allison wonders if seeing "the ring" has had a long-term affect on her brain and will haunt her forever.

Allison's favorite food is... (Apparently I don't have a favorite food.)

Allison's hair is now a jagged bob with a side part and shattered look.

Allison likes to wear shiny pants when she's drunk; she's crazy like a fox. (Tough choice here... They were all good.)

Allison has traveled to places such as Australia and Japan and is amazed at how easily his music translates...

Allison works closely with your internal team to understand the company’s business.

Allison has decided to have a total hysterectomy and have her right breast removed as a preventative measure because she tested positive for the BRCA1 gene.

Allison cries out, "Without my BrazenTec 3000, I'll never make it!"

Allison is happy to advise on most cat and dog behavioural problems including house soiling, aggression, phobias, anxiety and excessive barking.

Now with less tobacco

The company I work for just decided that, beginning January 1, all locations would be tobacco-free. This means no smoking anywhere on company property. The company has always encouraged smokers to smoke around the back of the building away from customers and vendors. A smoking shack was even erected to provide shelter for smokers in the case of wind or rain. But now, the smoking shack has been taken down and donated.

The company has encouraged smokers to take advantage of their Stop Smoking initiatives. Instead, smokers now walk off the property and light up. This amuses me to no end because I sit on the second floor near a big window. And every day, I see the smokers climb the hill and pace up and down the sidewalk out by the road puffing away. Sometimes there is one; sometimes it's a whole gang of smokers. What I find really funny is when a whole group of them congregate out by the company sign and stand around. Instead of keeping the smokers and their filthy habits out of sight to the public, they are loitering about in a thick cloud out by the corporate logo. It remains to be seen whether they will be allowed to do that. Soon I expect to see them darting across the busy street, like illegal immigrants crossing the border, cigarettes dangling from their lips and lighters in hand.

Happy New Year

This year couldn't end quick enough. I make it sound like it was all bad. It wasn't. I actually made great strides this year in a lot of areas I've been neglecting. I learned techniques for doing some things that have made me more independent. I made some appointments that I'd been needing to make (like seeing a gastroenterologist and getting a bone scan). I also discovered grey hair which was kind of a bummer.

This past year I made allisonlives.com a semi-collaborative blog, which failed miserably. Obviously my collaborators are not dedicated posters. And I have also become a less-than-dedicated poster this year. Despite what you may think, I have not been lazy. "Busy" is the more appropriate, yet overused term. I switched jobs in February and began working a more technical job full-time. I love my job. I have been given an opportunity to do some different things and have been given a lot of freedom and independence. This year was also the first time I've ever had an intern (hi, Adam!) and I enjoyed being able to boss another human being unrelated to me around. My manager gave me a fantastic evaluation this year and I hope I can live up to it in the upcoming year.

Health-wise, this has been a weird year. I started getting weird chest pain in March and, after a few trips to the ER, finally figured out that it is something called costochondritis, a reoccuring inflammation of the cartilage around the ribcage. It sucks. I've also had some ear infections and the typical UTIs. After deciding not to exercise ever again -- or for a while anyway -- the costochondritis has been much better. In fact, I'm tempted to start regular aerobic exercise again. Tempted anyway. I've also had bizarre digestion issues which I've just chalked up to a hot dog that I think got stuck in my gut. My doctor just thinks I'm crazy.

This past year, I've reconnected with a few friends, two of them being ex-boyfriends. I also attended my 10-year class reunion in May and was pleasantly surprised at how painless it was. It was funny to see how all these people I spent 4 those years with turned out.

I became an aunt this year! Kate is doing really well. She is just beginning to get interesting. Much of this year was spent watching Steph's belly grow.

2007 will be an eventful year for me. I know so. I have a few goals...not really resolutions. One of my top priorities for the year (SCI-wise) is to acquire a new wheelchair and standing frame. My current chair is falling into disrepair. I also have a few more goals relating to becoming more independent.

I just want to thank you all for hanging with me this past year and I sincerely hope you all have as good of a new year as I'm planning on having. :)

Merry Christmas

I made out incredibly well this year. So much stuff! I have dog crap on my leg. I watched two Oscar Wilde movies, ate pumpkn pie, played a rowdy game of Pitch with my family, and drank mulled wine. I love Christmas. I hope you all enjoyed your day as much as I have.

I work with a bunch of thieves

When your lunch is in the common work refrigerator, you gotta do what you can to protect it. All it takes is a post-it note with your name on it:

"Touch my sandwich and I break your face"
"I pity the fool who touches my sandwich"
"How would you like a knuckle sandwich?"

Things that make me a weirdo

Tagged by Kim. Six weird things about me:

1. I'm practically obsessed with flossing my teeth and do so as much as possible. I used to carry floss around in my purse. Unfortunately, my obsession does not stop my gums from bleeding out whenever I go to the dentist. There are worse obsessions than dental hygiene.

2. I burp a lot. A LOT. I don't know why, but after I eat, I'll be burping for the next few hours. My digestion is all messed up. My mom says my grandma used to do the same thing. In fact, Grandma once told me that's why she drank a can of Coors Original every night. It helped her burp. I always thought that was a great excuse for drinking. So great, I use it myself now.

3. I hate crickets and grasshoppers. Grasshoppers are particularly hated. I'm pretty sure this stems back to when I was 4 or 5 years old and living in a trailer in Parker, Colorado. We were staying there until our house was built. We had to use a porta-potty that was across a big field. I clearly remember standing at the edge of the field, preparing myself for the horror I had to face. I'd take off sprinting across the field, dodging the flying grasshopper missiles left and right. Grasshoppers everywhere! ...jumping in my hair, hitting me in the face... I ran through that field like it was a war zone. That red porta-potty was like my bunker. But alas! They were in the porta-potty, too. No place is safe from the grasshopper!

4. Whenever I'm thinking hard about something (mostly when I'm at work), I subconsciously make this quiet, chugging noise, like "Chucachucachucachuca..." or "Er-eee-er-eee-er-eee..." I don't always notice I'm doing it until someone points it out. I'm sure it's annoying. I think I got it from my dad. He talks to himself.

Hmmm. I can't think of any more. That must be it. Those are the only things that make me weird. I'm one of the most normal people you'll ever meet.

Eight

Do you ever think about what your life would look like as a movie? I was thinking about that in the shower this morning. I do my best thinking in the shower, so of course my movie life was wildly exciting. It was only after I got out that I realized my movie would be less of a blockbuster action movie and more of a slow, character-development type like one of those foreign movies where the actors are ugly and there's no real resolution to it. In my movie life, Renee Zellweger would play me, only it would be the chubby Renee with the chubby cheeks. She would have to put on about 20 or 30 pounds for the role like she did for Bridget Jones' Diary.

I was thinking about my movie partly because today is my eighth anniversary of my car accident that paralyzed me. Every year on this day I'm in the habit of glancing at the clock and thinking about where I was at exactly that time on the day of my accident:
6:30 a.m. - Driving through the misty San Luis Valley
7:30 a.m. - Walked into 7-11 in Walsenburg to get coffee and cigarettes
7:40 a.m. - Put my seatbelt back on
8:25 a.m. - Sliding toward the side of the road, rolling... rolling...

It's the same every year, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I always watch the clock. Years ago, I naively thought that, after a certain point, it would get easier... That Year 8 or Year 12 would turn into just another day. But paralysis' plan of attack is to constantly remind you of your limitations. There is no 'moving on' when you can't ever reach the plates on the top shelf and can't get in your best friend's house because there are stairs.

My movie will open in the basement of my cousin's house because all good movies need proper foreshadowing. I'm in the basement with my cousin and I see an old wheelchair in the corner. I sit in it, attempt to wheel myself around, and give up exclaiming that I could never be in a wheelchair. Too much work, I say. What a perfect opening scene! And my movie begins, irony and all. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs! And with that, the opening credits roll.

My movie will have a large cast, complete with evil characters. If I'm not really insistent on sticking to the facts, I could cast Gary Oldman as a lunatic who is trying to kill me. I'd prefer to keep it somewhat true to form though. Hmmm...I may need help with my cast.

Eight years is a long time. But out of all the years, this past one has been the most productive for me. I've learned how to do a few things that have made me less dependent on others. I haven't figured out the middle or a good ending for my movie yet. But if it's truly like a foreign film, it can just stop abruptly anywhere in the story. But I'm sure it will be a happy ending of sorts. I'm open to suggestion.

UPDATE - I never expect others to remember this date, not even my friend who was driving. It's a personal thing, one that I don't discuss much with others. But every year, my father, without fail, buys me a big bouquet of flowers. We never talk about it, but it's nice to know that someone else thinks about it, too.

~December 20, 1998~

More...
Seven
Six

Frosty no more

MAJOR NEWS ALERT! Frosty the Snowman Takes Severe Christmas Beating By Vandals! Normally, I wouldn't be one to condone this ridiculous (although very funny) behavior...by grown men at that! But I'm all for the vandals in this case. Of course, destroying another man's private property... Eh. Not advisable. But one thing I loathe at Christmas -- the inflatable and plastic lawn crap people put out in their yard. I'm all about the lights. I LOVE the lights! But why...WHY...the crap in the yard?! The worst offender by far is the inflatable snow globe.

So would I take a screwdriver and beat down Frosty? Um...probably not. I don't have the nerve to do that. But the thought certainly crosses my mind this time of year.

See the video here. Call me a cold, heartless grinch, but I can't help laughing at the 5-second clip. They stabbed him in the head!

4 years of magnets

2005 - Definitely my most creative attempt. After finding pictures from the movie Elf, I knew what I had to do. And afterward, I couldn't stop laughing every time I looked at it. It still makes me laugh. And I love that I put Zeke in the picture.

2004 - I like the color in this one. But my favorite is the "Ho, ho, ho!"

2003 - This was my first magnet. I thought the picture was so silly I had to share it. What's not to love about a grass reindeer standing on top of a 5-pound box of chocolate. With a 4-pack of mini white merlot bottles in the foreground. There's a white-trash quality about it. I had to share.

Stay tuned for the best yet in 2007.

Right-side up

2006 Magnet

More so than any other year, I am hopelessly behind in all Christmas activities. Maybe it's the warm weather or maybe I'm preoccupied with other things. Whatever the reason, I'll be fortunate to get all my Christmas shopping completed before the 25th. This is my favorite time of year, so I'm trying to enjoy it and not stress out about it.

I called Steph today and she told me that she had received my annual Christmas magnet in the mail and that it was on her refrigerator. She said I'm posing like a magazine model. "What?" I said. "Upside-down?" She started laughing and went to the refrigerator to turn it over. Yeah. Apparently, it's not obvious that I'm supposed to be hanging upside-down with lights strung around me. I thought the hanging scarf and the '2006' were dead give-aways, but obviously my magnet recipients are slower than I give them credit for. Come on, people! I knew I should've put 'Merry Christmas' across the bottom! If you want a magnet and didn't get one in the mail from me, email me. It's your lucky day. I've got extras. And they're collector's items. Bet you didn't know that.

Evidence of Christmas

Sure enough. It's that time of year again when the neighbors across the street set up their Christmas display. And by display, I mean what their lawn vomitted up overnight. It's amazing. I'll see if I can sneak a photo.

*UPDATE*
Alright, here's a photo of the neighbor's house. See how their display keeps going and going? It's amazing. And don't even think that's all of it. There are a few pictures here and here of the other side of the house.

And, yeah, I wrote about their house last year, too. See that here.

Ho, ho, ho!

So it's December 1. I should be sending out Christmas cards and buying gifts, but I just can't seem to get into the spirit because IT'S 70 DEGREES OUTSIDE. 70 degrees and raining. How miserable. The good news is that I've got my annual Christmas magnets finished. I know you are all excited! If you get a Christmas card from me, be expecting a magnet! It's not quite as good as last year's, but it's still fun.

Tagged by the RADHOLE

A - Available/Single? Hmmm. Depends who's asking.
B - Best Friend? Kim, Erin, Beverly, Mike
C - Cake or Pie? Pie, of course. PIE!
D - Drink Of Choice? I'm a big fan of water.
E - Essential Item You Use Everyday? My hair dryer.
F - Favorite Color? Green
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? Gummy Bears
H - Hometown? Bowie, MD
I - Indulgence? Vanilla Lattes and donuts.
J - January Or February? February
K - Kids & Their Names? N/A
L - Life Is Incomplete Without? Electricity
M - Marriage Date? 07-07-07 ahahaha!
N - Number Of Siblings? Three
O - Oranges Or Apples? I like them both.
P - Phobias/Fears? That my quality of life will eventually decline.
Q - Favorite Quote? Just about everything my friend Mike says.
R - Reason to Smile? Sunshine
S - Season? Fall and Winter
T - Tag Three People? No.
U - Unknown Fact About Me? I have webbed toes.
V - Vegetable you don’t like? Lima beans
W - Worst Habit? Procrastination
X - X-rays You’ve Had? Hmmm. On my spine, my leg, my left foot, and my abdominal area.
Y - Your Favorite Food? I love food. Pasta! Bread! Salmon! Wine! Steak!
Z - Zodiac Sign? Cancer

Giving thanks

I'm very excited about my new niece and figure I have about five years to secure my position as Favorite Aunt. I'm beginning to scheme how this will play out already. I feel like I know Rebecca and Megan's weaknesses fairly well. I'm only worried about my competition from the Latchford Twins. I have to figure out a way to undermind them. I'm not beneath fighting dirty. I will spread lies. I will slander and bribe.

If you ask me, the timing of the birth couldn't have been better. I was already planning to spend Thanksgiving in Philadelphia with Vince and Steph, so it was a pleasant surprise to have the addition of Katherine. As far as her name goes, I'm having difficulty calling her Katherine. It's so formal. There are many possibilities as far as nicknames go: Kathy, Katie, Kate, Kay, and Vince's favorite -- Special K -- but I think I'll stick with Kat. I don't care if she hates it.

So my first order of business with Kat will be to tell her stories about things her mom did when she was little, like in second grade when she got us in trouble for making fun of Nathan Hatfield's last name or having to go to the ER for slamming her ear in a door.

Thanksgiving was great as usual. Mom hauled the good part of a grocery store with her up to Philly. She sent all the vegetarian stuffing home with Rebecca. Megan tried to take the fake mashed potatos home with her even though she had a box of potato buds sitting in her kitchen. Lazy. Rebecca pulled out about 13 rolls of photos from her organic farming tour of Europe. Megan tried to enact drawing names for Christmas gifts this year by claiming the family was growing while she is below the poverty line.

I can't wait to do it all again for Christmas.

Aunt Allie

Meet Katherine Elaine Latchford. She was born on Tuesday night around 9:30 p.m. She weighs 7 lbs. 2 oz. and is a tall 20 inches. She is a beautiful baby... I don't even have to lie about it. I am so proud of Steph and Vince for doing such a remarkable job. Go Team Latchford!

The Girl Scouts are making me fat

I'm pissed off about these Girl Scouts and their cookie peddling at every store front. I haven't tried every kind of cookie, but I've been on a steady diet of Trefoils, Thin Mints (of course), and the peanut butter Do-Si-Dos. If I gain 300 pounds, I'm suing the Girl Scouts.

The TomKat Baby

So today I got an email from my friend Kim that explained what is really going on with the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes alien baby. Kim has thoroughly thought about it, researched it, and collaged it. She is in the know. So without further ado, Kim is in agreement with the following theory:

"So I've been reading up on the rumors about alien baby cruise, and I decided to do a little photo comparison. I attached the collage that I made. I'm starting to buy into the hype that little Suri looks more like Josh Hartnett than any of other recent love affairs. Here's the timeline--she broke her engagement with Chris Klein in early March, was seen galavanting around with Josh Hartnett in early April, and started dating Tom in late April. In October, she starts showing so they have to announce that she's pregnant, BUT she doesn't have the baby until a year later and she was really big for most of her pregnancy, which is surprising given that she is a slight girl. Remember how fake her stomach looked in the later months? What if she got pregnant in April during a tryst with Josh, gave birth in December/January in secret, and then started carrying around some stuffing until April when they decided to stage the birth? This would explain why the birth certificate in April was not legit AND it would explain the pregnancy because Tom is supposedly sterile which is why he never had a natural child before. What do you think? I still can't get on board with the whole story because of how Tom cannot reproduce. But he's always wanted his own child, hence the adoptions in his 1st and 2nd marriage, so here is a good way to fake it. By the way, you know Oprah wasn't invited to the wedding because she said she didn't believe in his sincerity after the couch incident, but Brooke Shileds was invited!"

Now, while all that is good, I have a theory of my own. It's Keanu Reeves' baby! It's so obvious. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull the wool over my eyes. Or you have to have an excellent publicist.

Speaking of alien babies, hopefully I'll be an aunt by this time tomorrow. I'm very excited about the whole thing. Very excited.

Update

Yay! Rebecca's home from her organic farming experience in Europe. Not soon enough if you ask Zeke. Her cat kept bullying him.

More tomorrow. I promise.

Quote of the day!

“[Gay people] are less likely to get into a fight and less likely to date rape people... I’m straight but I’ve grown up around gay people and gay clubs. They our superior to straight people. If you have a gay child you're more inclined to be a prouder parent.”

-Moby

My posts on my medical problems are easily my best

Ear infections suck. First, my ear just hurt a little when I touched it. Then I noticed a decrease in my hearing ability one morning...sort of like a whole cotton ball had been shoved in my ear when I was sleeping. This seriously took a major toll on my likability because, after one asks you to repeat yourself for the 6th time, well... you want to hurt them. People want to hurt me.

Then my head began pounding. After that, it rolled off my neck and down a flight of stairs where I accidently kicked it into a wall. But don't worry. The worst is over now and I feel relatively normal. Now if only I could get rid of the antibiotic's side effects. Hmmm. Would I rather have an ear ache or stomach cramping, irritability, and brick-red stool? It's a toss up.

I can't hear you - Part II

Eh. Only little kids are supposed to get ear infections. Yet for some reason, this is the second time in two years I've gotten one. And I never got them when I was little. Doesn't make a lot of sense. And now I'm really annoying to be around because I can't hear anything and am constantly scrunching my face up yelling "Huh?" or "What?" like an 80-year-old man.

I went to the doctor on Friday and was given a prescription for the diarrhea-inducing antibiotic Omnicef, but couldn't bring myself to start taking it until last night. Kim, her mom, and I had a winery trip planning for Saturday and you're not supposed to mix antibiotics with alcohol so I had to wait to take it. I mean, really. Given the option of canceling my wine-tasting or postponing treatment to make my throbbing ear stop throbbing, I'll choose the latter every time. You see where my priorities lie. The wine wins out hands down. Plus, if you drink enough wine, you stop feeling the throbbing altogether.

Obscene close-up of my profile courtesy of Kim. You can sort of see up my nose.

Leftover candy

So I've been eating leftover Halloween candy, specifically Starbursts and Skittles, and I just have to say I think something fishy is going on with the distribution of flavors. I've expressed my frustration at the randomness of Skittles candy flavors before, but I'm really irritated now. The past two packages of Skittles had not one red one in it, and everyone knows the red ones are the best. Perhaps a strawberry Skittle shortage? And speaking of red ones, I one had a boyfriend who bought two 2 lb. bags of Skittles, separated the red ones, and gave them to me as part of a Valentine's Day gift. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

The Starbursts weren't much better. With two to a pack, you'd think they could manage to pair up something other than the yellows and oranges. Where are all the red and pink ones?! Like I said, something fishy's going on.

To make up for not posting in over a week, here is a link!

I normally don't audibly laugh out loud at stuff like this, but tonight I'm practically rolling on the floor. Okay, not really. But I'm snickering. Giggling.

UPDATE: Here's another similar -- Military Hand Signals.

Woohoo!

It's Fall! Sweater weather! Cool and crisp! Beautiful colors!

I'm very excited. I wasn't sure if you could tell. (Click the big head below for a short slide show.)

Have I mentioned Adam's awesomeness?

I hate when I watch a TV show and have no idea what's going on. I turned on Law and Order: SVU last week and couldn't figure out why Detectives Benson and Stabler weren't partnered together. It was awful... both that I had no idea what was going on and that they weren't partners. They're supposed to be partners!

My only option was to email my awesome ex-intern Adam and beg him to fill me in. Adam keeps up with SVU and also reads all sorts of bizarre fantasy books involving magic, wizards, and sacrificing innocent animals. I made that last one up. I received a full recap from Adam today in which he relayed the tension between the two detectives, using phrases like "their emotions kept getting in the way," and explained that Mariska Hargitay (Benson) is on maternity leave but will be back. He even referred me to the SVU Wikipedia page which has EVERY single detail known to man about the show.

I knew I could count on Adam. Even months after he stopped being my intern, he continues to be very useful. I'm glad I have him in my portfolio of contacts. I never know when I'll need a C# programmer or an SVU recap.

Origins

Zeke has fleas. The heat in my van won't work. And the IRS wants me to pay them $3,000 dollars for screwing up my 2004 taxes. But on a positive nore, I now know the origin of hundreds of rock band's names! Among the fascinating:

THE CRANBERRIES - originally called Cranberries Saw Us ( a joke on Cranberries SAUCE) they changed it to the shorter form later. [LAME]

FAITH NO MORE - named after a race horse they saw listed on a racing form. [Awesome name for a horse.]

OUR LADY PEACE - The band took their unusual name from a 1943 poem by American poet Mark Van Doren. [Awesome band name.]

WEEZER - Band member Rivers Cuomo had the nickname Weezer in school because of a breathing problem.

ZZ TOP - taken from the name of a Texas Blues man ZZ Hill. Though a rumor is that they got their name by combining Zig Zag and Top, two well known brands of "cigarette" rolling papers.

15% Commission

I was checking my email and came across one from Mark who desperately needs my help even though we do not know each other:

"I am Master Mark Bohan, My father was poisoned to death by
his business associates in one of their outings on a business trip.
My mother died just last year.
i want to transfer Eighteen Million,Five
Hundred Thousand USdollars(US$18,500,000)
left in a fixed/ suspense account in one of
the prime banks here in Abidjan..."

Poor Master Mark. Do people fall for these types of emails? I got to give 'em credit though. Throwing in the poisoned father and dead mother makes me feel sorry for the guy. I think I watched some 20/20 special on old people who fall for these scams. They even set up some sort of sting like Dateline does for the child molesters. I'm going to reply to Master Mark and set up my own sting operation. How awesome would that be?

Somebody's getting old

Happy birthday, my darling Megan. You haven't changed a bit.

The Last Knit

This reminds me of Megan, although I believe she's gotten her obsession somewhat under control now.

Via Dooce.

Out-of-control

I have a friend at work whom I really like because he's not afraid to joke with me about wheelchair or disability-related things. And to be honest, there's A LOT of humor there. Most people prefer to play on the safe side. Whether it's the fear of offending or not being politically correct, people don't often feel comfortable teasing me. Well, my friend was in rare form today.

We went next door to the coffee shop and I bought some tea and pastries. On the way back, I was holding my tea and my purse. A man was walking in the building behind us. And just as my friend and I were in the entrance of the building, my purse slipped and, when I suddenly stopped and grabbed it, my tea spilled a bit. The man behind me almost ran into me, and my friend took the opportunity to tell him, "Oh, watch out for her. She loses control sometimes." Thinking he was serious, the man started backing up and went all the way out the door, waiting for me to move on. I just started giggling. I love perpetuating the assumption that people in wheelchairs are not only physically, but mentally challenged. I don't have to try very hard sometimes.

Starting my Christmas List

Gas has to drop below $2 per gallon at some point, right?

Pink and green

My mom threw a baby shower for Stephanie this weekend. A baby shower tea. Tea, as in teapots, china, cucumber sandwiches, and scones. Much more high-class than what I'm used to, but I can adapt to any situation. I draw the line at cutting my chocolate-covered strawberries with a knife and fork though. Since Steph lives in Philly, she doesn't have many close friends in the area, so my mom invited her friends and I invited mine. We had two tables: the old ladies table and the young ladies table. It was genius of my mother to separate us in that way because the conversation at the younger ladies table was less than appropriate for a refined tea-like setting. My friend Nichole told us about her favorite transsexual barista and Megan threatened to rub her conjunctivitis-ridden eyes on us.

Steph made out pretty well for not knowing a lot of the people at her shower. She is looking great. She's not as big as a barn yet, but she's still got 6 weeks to go.

In other news, my wing of the building at work smells like a dead rat. It is foul. My coworker took my green apple dish soap, removed the lid, and set it in her office. It's a sad day when you have to use dish soap as an air freshener.

Implementate

My friend Erin read my last post and emailed me to say that one of her friends continually uses the word "implementate," as in "We're trying to implementate a new program at work." This is almost worse than varange.

Varange

You want to know what is highly annoying? When people repeatedly mispronounce words. But not only mispronounce them, add to them. Example: A coworker of mine likes to use the word (and I say word in the loosest sense possible because it's not technically a word) "varange" in general conversation. As in "...it would give us a wide varange of possibilities..." I haven't the heart to tell him he could just say "range."

It may annoy me less if I give in and start using it in my own conversation. I have such a wide varange of work pants in my closet, I have difficulty deciding what to wear. I want everyone to use "varange" in a sentence.

Megan's new icon

My sister Megan has refused to post until she gets her icon pic changed. I can't figure out what she hates about her current pic. It looks just like her. It's obviously empowering -- a flaming red-haired, pale-faced young lady heaving a motorcycle over her head. What's not to like about it? But I am flexible. Always willing to go that extra mile for family. To appease her, I've found some alternatives. Feel free to cast your vote on the following selections for Megan's new icon:

A) Freaky No-Face
B) Big Bird Smoking
C) Almost Identical
D) Terrifying
E) I Will Have Bad Dreams Forever
F) My Personal Favorite

I'm bringing sexy back

Look, I realize it's been awhile, but if Russ thinks he's taking over, he's got another thing coming. You got that, Russ? If you want to fight, we'll fight. I've had enough of the extortion. Let's go...RIGHT NOW.

I'm thinking about options for this web space. I'm not sure if I can continue regular posting or not, but I'm not even considering closing up shop quite yet. Here are a few options:

1. I'll turn this into a dating site. How could I possibly go wrong there? Thousands of people will pay any amount for the chance of love. The domain name sort of sucks for a dating site. I'll have to change it to getyourmackon.com or stdfree.com. The problem is that I'm a terrible networker. I'll need all of you to sign up with me so people have a pool to choose from. It's okay if your married. Just conveniently forget to mention it on my site survey. Unfortunately, there are a lot of dating sites out there. I need to find my niche.

2. I'll start an e-commerce site and sell my junk. And I have a lot of junk. eBay has proven that one one man's junk is truly another's treasure. I have a collection of old dog toys, a few Pez dispensers, and an entire chest of drawers full of who-knows-what. Why not just sell on eBay? Um...good point.

3. I'll start writing my novel online. Hmmm...the thought of writing a novel never really crossed my mind because, well, I hate writing. But now it sounds okay. I could write a paragraph a day. (I know you're thinking "Geez, she couldn't even post here twice a week. Paragraph a day?!" Whatever. Quit being a kill-joy.) It'll be about a woman who escapes from a mental institution and goes to her 10-year high school reunion.

Maybe I need a redesign.

Megan's icon stays!

Getting someone else to post around here is like pulling teeth. Who wants to post? Anyone? I'll take anyone! If I don't get any takers, I'm going to start posting old pictures.

What is wrong with me?!

I announced at my staff meeting that I found about 5 grey hairs on my head. At my engineering staff meeting at work! Seriously, we were to go around the room and report what we were working on and I told everyone I'm going grey. I'm not sure what's worse -- going grey at age 28 or announcing it at work. I have no idea what the appropriate age for going grey is, but I feel like it shouldn't be now.

Best quote from that dancing show

"Do you have extra batteries in your pants?"

Remembering 9-11 (in a round-about way)

Honestly, I don't consider myself an overly emotional person, or even particularly sentimental. Ask anyone who knows me. I'm a very steady, level-headed person. And that's exactly why I feel like I'm going crazy now. My hormones are out-of-control.

An ex-boyfriend tracked me down this weekend through this website. Not just any ex-boyfriend... He was the guy I was dating in college right before my car accident. I hadn't heard from him in over 6 years or so, so I was surprised to get his email. I read through about half of it before I lost it and started sobbing like a baby. And I couldn't stop. All weekend, I've been a teary mess. Hearing from him brings back such memories, both good and bad, that I haven't thought of in a long time. Hearing from him reminds me of all the great times we had in college... and reminds me of my car accident and how difficult everything was for me after that. It happened so quickly that I feel like I never really had a lot of closure with him or a lot of the relationships with friends I had from college.

Anyway, I was happy to hear that he's married with two kids. He's in the Army and in Iraq right now. I don't know many people serving in the military, but being that today is the 5-year anniversary of 9-11, I am thinking of Mike and thinking of Allen and Dave.

The enormous propensity of fools

I've said before how Wilkie Collins is my favorite author. How can anyone not appreciate an opium-addicted author who wore a full beard his ENTIRE life. And of such length! It must be admired. I'm currently reading No Name, not one of his better books, still it's got some great passages:

I have always maintained that the one important phenomenon presented by modern society is the enormous propensity of Fools. Show me an individual Fool, and I will show you an aggregate Society which gives that highly favoured personage nine chances out of ten -- and grudges the tenth to the wisest man in existence. Look where you will, in every high place there sits an Ass, settled beyond the reach of all the greatest intellects in this world to pull him down. Over our whole social system, complacent Imbecility rules supreme -- snuffs out the searching light of Intelligence, with total impunity -- and hoots, owl-like, in answer to every form of protest, See how well we all do in the dark!

Everyone should read Wilkie Collins. Really, start here with The Haunted Hotel.

A Labor Day meme that has nothing to do about Labor Day

Passed onto me by the RAD. I'm bothered by the fact that 10, 12, 16, 20, 22, 27, and 37 are missing. Who started this silly meme?

1) Who is the last person you high-fived? Aaron the Wandered
2) If you were drafted into a war, would you survive? No way. I'd die before I even got to the war zone.
3) Do you sleep with the TV on? No, that's crazy.
4) Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton? No, the crusty stuff around the rim of the milk jug grosses me out.
5) Have you ever won a spelling bee? No, I was eliminated in the first round. I was embarrassed about it because I was one of two people selected to go out of my entire class and I failed them all!
6) Have you ever been stung? By a bee? Yes
7) How fast can you type? Slow.
8) Are you afraid of the dark? No
9) What is your eye color? Green
11) Do you ever wear the same clothes twice without washing them? All the time.
13) Are you drinking anything right now? My morning coffee.
14) Favorite animal as a kid? I don't remember.
15) Can you hoola hoop? No
17) What do you want for Christmas? I can't think of anything...maybe that's why I'm so hard to buy for.
18) Favorite cereal: Oatmeal Squares
19) Do you talk in your sleep? Probably
21) Have you ever flown a kite? Yes
23) How many people are on your contact list of your cell? Uh...maybe 20
24) Have you ever asked for a pony? No
25) Plans for tomorrow? work
26) Can you juggle? No
28) How are you feeling today? Great... I have the day off and it's beautiful outside.
29) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? No
30) What are you looking forward to? Autumn, specifically November
31) Have you ever crawled through a window? yes
32) Have you ever eaten dog food? no
33) Movies you can quote line for line? “Office Space”
34) Favorite fast food breakfast? coffee, hashbrowns, and BK's Crossiantwich (which will kill you)
35) What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Old salad dressing, ketchup, and yogurt
36) Any cool scars? Yes, I've got some awesome scars! Unfortunately, the stories associated with them are not so awesome.
38) What do you do when no one is watching? Adjust my bra.
39) Do you like dancing? I used to.
40) Who did you last talk to on the phone? Stephanie
41) Where was the last place you ate? California Tortilla
42) What is the last movie watched? Angel Eyes
43) What song did you hear last? Pain Killer by Turin Brakes
44) How many emails do you get a day? On a good day, maybe 3-4

This meme dies with me! Meme killer!

Don't die!

I'll admit I've never been very good with plants. When I was in college, my roommate left for another school and so I inherited her Amaryllis and Aloe plant. Fortunately, neither plant requires much love and I was able to keep both alive until my car accident when I bequeathed them to my roommate.

For my birthday this year, my dad bought me a flowering plant. I set it on my desk at work in full sunlight where it has stayed for the past month and a half by my computer monitor. About three weeks ago, I started worrying about it because the tiny flowers were all dying. So I made sure it had enough water. But that didn't stop the flower death. Weeks went by and my coworkers started commenting on the hideousness of my plant. The crispy, brown flowers were still hanging off it. I didn't know what kind of plant it was, so I wasn't sure how to care for it. I thought about pulling the death off, but every time I touched my plant a bunch of dead blooms would fall all over my keyboard. So I decided to just leave it alone. I value a clean keyboard over a healthy plant anyday. But having a dead plant in front of your face for eight hours a day is sort of depressing.

Well, today a coworker of mine decided enough was enough. She was going to fix my plant. She spent a good 15 minutes snipping all the tiny brown flowers off, pulled the plastic off (yes, lazy me left it on), and found a plate to put it on. After that, she wiped off my CPU, dusted my printer, and threw away the trash on my desk. How awesome is that? She's like my mother...at work. My work mother. Unfortunately, the whole incident managed to reinforce my idea that if I ignore problems long enough, eventually they will fix themselves. My plant still looks weird with maybe two or three shoots of healthy flowers towering off to the right, but overall, my plant appears much healthier. In the pruning process, we managed to discover a tag deep down in the center of the pot that identifies the plant as a KALANCHOE. Apparently this is another hard-to-kill plant and the flower death was natural. So I'm not nearly as depressed by my ugly plant. It has a future!

Catching up

I've been totally sucking at posting here anymore. Well... I shouldn't say TOTALLY sucking. That is more representative of my fellow cohorts' (listed on the sidebar) posting skills as evidenced in the low number of their posts as opposed to my 92. Megan's been pretty great about posting but she's told me now that, until I changed the "hideous" bio picture representing her, we won't hear from her again. Everyone's a critic.

So without further ado, here are a few interesting things going on in my life:

1. Zeke got a haircut and, ever since, he's been scaring the crap out of me. He was constantly scratching his neck because his collar bothers him more with short hair so I took it off until the red welts on his neck heal. The only problem is that I can't hear the jingle of his collar any longer so I can't ever figure out where he is. He's stealth crazy. The only warning that I get of his imminent pounce is the prrump-pruump-PRUMP-PROUUMP of his feet as he barrels toward me. It's crazy. And I feel bad because I'll call for him over and over and finally figure out that he's been standing behind me all along. I gotta get that warning device of a collar back on.

2. Do people actually watch The Fear Factor?

3. So what I was really talking about in this post was this guy Aaron, a friend of a friend of Megan's roomate, who is currently staying at my house because he's walking across the country. Traveling across the country. He walked for awhile but said that got really old really fast. Now he takes the bus. He's been through 20 states so far. All week long I've dropped him off at the DC Metro and he's been checking out the monuments and museums. He's got great stories. I think you have to have a certain kind of temperment to undertake such a task as his. Being that I really don't care much for people, I think I would end up dead under an underpass or something. I wish him the best of luck on his quest and think he should stay with Russ when he gets to Colorado.

4. Megan and Rebecca and her boyfriend visited this weekend. On Saturday afternoon, Megan came scooting into my room and asked in a squeaky voice, "Allison, don't you want to see Step Up as much as I do?! Come on. It's a dancing movie!" Megan shares my love of dancing movies and, in contrast with my shame and reluctance to admit it, Megan is proud of the fact. So proud that she roped Aaron the Wanderer into coming along. The sad fact is it's one of the worst dancing movies ever. You Got Served was better. Center Stage was better. Do you undertand how terrible it was? Megan said there was too much drama and not enough dancing. Aaron said Take the Lead was better. Aaron is obviously a closet dancing movie lover.

5. I really like Rebecca's boyfriend. I hope he sticks around for awhile especially since she's leaving in a week to go to Holland to work on an organic farm for three months. I've had awhile to get used to the idea, but that strikes me as really funny still. Such a Becky thing to do. God bless her.

My personal invitation

Funny. A few days ago, I missed a phone call from a number with a 303 area code. When I checked my voice mail, it was none other that Samuel L. Jackson! He pretty much threatened me to go see Snakes on a Plane with my good friend Russell. He told me to stop obsessing over my pet and painting my fingernails and see his movie or he "will come after" me. Oh, and he said his movie will "take a bite out of my butt." Good grief! I was just relieved he didn't start cursing at me. I'm not sure whether to feel honored that I got a personal invitation from him or be terrified that he will come after me. Because I think I'm gonna skip the movie. Although I have enough to spare, I'm not sure I want a movie taking a bite out of my butt. Since Samuel L. was calling from a 303 area code, he must have been hanging with my good friend Russell. Perhaps in the diseased pumpkin patch. I had no idea they were such good friends. They both can throw out an awesome F-bomb.

Speaking of Snakes on a Plane, check out Ben Kepple's review and John Stewart clip.

Secret post to Megan that nobody can see but her:

What?! Who is this guy staying here for a week and what is he doing?! Why is he walking across the country? What? What? What's going on?

Get back to work.

Caption this

Zeke got himself a fancy new haircut.

New:

Old:

He almost looks like a normal Jack Russell. Personally, I'm partial to the shaggier look but don't appreciate the balls of poop that get stuck to his shaggy butt hair. One has to maintain. Sad, but true.

Atonement: The Movie

As I've said before, Atonement is one of my favorite books by a contemporary author. After watching BBC's Daniel Deronda last weekend, I was doing a little research on Romola Garai, who played one of the main characters. I like her after seeing her in I Capture the Castle (which consequently is a terrible movie adaptation of the book...awful). So what is my point? Well, I noticed she's going to be in the movie adaptation of Atonement. Bleh. They're turning it into a movie. Bleh. With Keira Knightley. Bleh. I'm not sure how I feel about that. So much of the book consist of the characters' inner dialog or thoughts. I'm not sure how they're going to carry that off. I hope they don't butcher it. (On a side note though, I think Romola Garai is a good choice for her character. And, although I hate to say it, Keira Knightley probably is too.)

If you haven't read the book yet, do it now.

Yay! He's gone!

Friday was my intern Adam's last day. And now I can write about him as much as I want because I am no longer bound by professionalism. He's just a common man now... A college student. You can write nasty things about people on the Internet as long as they don't work for you or vice-versa. There is no such thing as slander or libel.

This is Adam.

Doesn't he look like the kind of intern you'd want? He did all the important things, like killing the wasps that crawled through the hole in my window. He was also very proud of the fact that he and a friend had an instant message conversation that included every single emoticon available for use. If those aren't marketable skills, I don't know what are. He should have no problem finding a job. He talked a lot about his girlfriend, even going so far as to use a close-up picture of her making a face for his computer wallpaper (which terrified the crap out of me when he minimized all his applications one day.) On his last day before he left, he bequeathed to me his Clip Man, a 10-inch tall man made entirely out of black binder clips. I will treasure it always and think of Adam every time someone asks me what that bizarre mass is growing on my bookshelf.

He was a good intern. I miss him already.

So hot the Jello salad melted

Yesterday was the date of my annual Birthday Crabfeast Extravaganza. Little late this year as my actual birthday was two weeks ago, but as Steph says, might as well milk it as long as you can. It was HOT...a little like having a crabfeast in Hell. My planning cohort Erin and I agreed on 4 p.m. as a good time to start which was about 2 hours too early. What gave me the idea that it was too hot? Hmmm. Could've been the beads of sweat streaming down Vince's face. Or when Erin shoved a paper towel down her shirt. Or when I almost passed out.

Overall, it was a success. A full bushel of crabs, 2 pounds of steamed shrimp, fresh tuna steaks caught Friday, and two loaves of french bread were finished off completely. And my recycling bin is now full of beer bottles.

I'm wearing black for some insane reason. (Click to enlarge)

Reflections on the ER

Not only have I been distracted lately, I've been feeling awful. I went to see my doctor last week and she gave me a five-day course of Levaquin, an antibiotic strong enough to kill a horse. I swear it's poison. The side effects are insane -- worse than having an infection. The first day I took it, I was so dizzy I couldn't function, but couldn't sleep. The second day I had a headache. The third and fourth days, my stomach and back muscles felt like I had done 800,000 sit-ups. I started to worry about the side effects, so I did a Google search. After I read all these terrifying first-person accounts, I stopped taking it. Nobody should take that stuff.

The other exciting event at my doctor's office was having my blood drawn. I got stabbed three times in three different places! I'm cursed with bad veins. They finally had to take it from the back of my hand.

So after taking that crazy medication and still feeling miserable, I broke down and headed off to the ER on Monday night at 9 p.m. I hate going to the hospital, especially if I'm not on death's doorstep. I hate to wait. But I've had a severe pain in my side under my left ribcage for about 2 weeks and it continues to worsen. And wait, I did. Any time you go to the ER, a good trick to being treated right away is to start vomiting in the middle of the waiting room. If only I felt nauseous...

After x-rays and CT scans, more blood-drawing and IVs, and 7 hours of waiting, it was determined that I'm perfectly fine. Apparently, there is nothing wrong with me besides a little muscle pain. That doesn't explain away the dizziness and lack of appetite, but I guess I feel better knowing it's nothing obvious. But this is the second time I've come back from the ER with nothing wrong but muscle pain. Soon I will stop worrying and blame every pain from now on my muscles.

I still think it's my spleen.

Hospital waiting rooms are one of the top 10 most miserable places to be. Being around sick or injured people waiting for treatment is a downer. Everyone is in a foul mood. I don't know how doctors and nurses do it. I get the whole "helping save lives" thing, but every once in awhile, they've got to wonder what they're surrounding themselves with. I didn't have much to do because I forgot to bring a book. Here are a few waiting room observations:

1. While nobody in a waiting room is particularly enjoyable to be around, sick kids are the worst. The cutest little girl came in with bad constipation. Poor thing. I sympathize, but I wanted to tell her that crying loudly would not make her condition any better.

2. Couples should pick a different place to make out. Sick people don't want to see that. Three lifeguards came in and, while one was getting examined, the other two waited. The girl was cold so the guy took his shoes off and peeled his socks off so she could wear them. I may have considered that a romantic gesture if I wasn't wearing a hospital gown and writhing in pain at 1:30 a.m.

3. Some people are a great source of amusement. Around midnight, a 16 or 17-year-old kid came in. He had black, longish hair, a black t-shirt, a metal-studded belt that kept slipping down, and the tightest black pants I've ever seen on a guy. (My friend Bev told me they were probably women's pants...according to her, that's a common trend these days.) He was carrying about 8 shopping bags from Walmart and sat in the back. Soon, he got up and he and his 8 bags moved to a seat that was right in the middle of a section where black family had gathered. CNN was on TV and the entire coverage was on the Israeli-Hezbollah conflict. Soon the kid and one of the elderly black men were in a heated discussion about Israel's statehood. This kid began pulling facts about Israel's history dating back to before WWI. The debate got louder and louder, but finally ended when they agreed that the war in Iraq was insane and that Bush was the worst President ever. Isn't it sweet how Bush-bashing can bring two people together? See? He's a uniter, not a divider.

The kid got hungry and went to the vending machines. I saw him through the glass door peering at candy bars when the nurse finally called his name. She shrugged and moved on. When he came back, I tried to tell him that he was called, but he didn't hear me. He just plopped down in his chair and began reading a nearby newspaper so I left him in blissful ignorance. It was another hour before he was called again. The last I saw of him was when I was leaving at 4 a.m. He was all laid out in one of those blood-giving recliners in the hallway.

4. The smart people come to the waiting room prepared. Around 1:30, a woman with three boys brought her husband in. The tromped through the chairs, picking out a section they could take over. They had pillows, blankets, books, a portable DVD player, and food. It was like a campout without the blazing fire. Those people know how to have an emergency in comfort.

Tomato Thief

The squirrels are winning

My father's War With the Squirrels just got really ugly. My mom has been growing all varieties of tomatoes on the deck in these gigantic earth boxes. She planted them in the spring and has been eagerly waiting for the produce. This morning my mom and dad were eating breakfast in the kitchen when they noticed a squirrel sitting on the deck railing eating one of my mom's cherry tomatoes! Yes, apparently squirrels eat tomatoes. I had no idea.

The squirrel dropped the tomato and ran off. My dad was in shock but my mom was mostly disgusted that he wasted a perfectly good tomato by only eating half. This evening my dad realized the severity of the problem when my parents discovered half-eaten tomatoes all over the ground. And a squirrel with his head buried in a tomato. The tomato plant has almost been picked clean. Obviously the bird seed is not satisfying enough. The evil squirrels are going for the jugular.

I love you...even upside down

You have such lovely eyebrows.

I'm not dead! #8

I've been terribly distracted lately, neglecting all of my...well, everything. The birthday was good. Big 28. I'm told by Awesome Intern Adam that I've cleared a very dangerous age and I cannot be part of The 27 Club. Who cares that I'm not a musician. Many huge thanks to all who've wished me a happy birthday. And to my beautiful sisters... I'm still waiting for those gifts to start rolling in.

Speaking of Awesome Intern Adam, he found his dream job -- a question-answerer for Google Answers. Here's the gist: You ask a question and list a price you would pay to have it answered. For example, "How can I evict my elderly parents from my house?" Thanks to Adam, I've learned all sorts of fascinating facts simply browsing. And I'm so pleased his dream job has nothing to do with his job assignments or computer science major. He is my new hero, replacing RAD.

Speaking of RAD, he called me Friday to verbalize his bitterness about his deleted photos. And then he threatened to visit. If I delete his entire category, maybe he'll be here next week.

---------------

UPDATE: Fantastic gift, Megan. I love the watch. What great taste you have. And congratulations on being the first!

Slacker, I know

Maybe one day I'll post again.

HELP ME!

Okay, this is a VERY IMPORTANT POST! I need good movie suggestions! Desperately! What is your all-time favorite movie? Would I like it? No? Okay, what's a good movie?

Survival of the fittest

With all the rain we've had recently, all the frogs have come out to play. On Saturday afternoon as my mom and I left for Starbucks, she looked up at me from the driveway and told me the bad news:

Mom: You ran over a frog.
Me: Ughhhhh! Ew. Don't tell me.
Mom: It's totally smooshed. It's lying belly up.
Me: Stop!
Mom: And it looks like a baby!
Me: Aaaaaagh!

I hate when I run over wildlife. Dad got in the van this morning and said "Hey, it looks like you hit a frog." Mom started cackling from the back seat and I started groaning again. On the way to church, a squirrel was sitting in the middle of the road and I had to come to a complete stop to keep from smashing it. Stupid squirrel.

I've decided that I need to start thinking differently. Maybe I'm doing the animals a favor by killing off the stupid ones that don't move when something large and green is headed straight for them. Survival of the fittest. Just doing my part to smarten up the animal kingdom.

FEED ME!

Don't drown!

The amount of rain we've had in Maryland is utterly ridiculous...and there is no sign of a break in the action all week long. I feel like I'm drowning. It's getting old waking up to thunder and lightning at 2 a.m., especially with a scared dog jumping on my head. I just read the Severe Weather Alert which calls for flash floods:

"A FLASH FLOOD WATCH MEANS THAT CONDITIONS MAY DEVELOP THAT LEAD TO FLASH FLOODING. FLASH FLOODING IS A VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION. NEVER ATTEMPT TO DRIVE ACROSS FLOODED ROADS...TURN AROUND DON'T DROWN."

My favorite part is the "TURN AROUND DON'T DROWN" warning thrown in at the end. And it's all the more urgent-sounding being that the whole thing is written in ALL-CAPS, LIKE THEY'RE PERSONALLY YELLING AT ME! Okay! Okay, Weather Service! I promise I'll turn around. Stop yelling at me!

'Chessboxing makes you fit for life'

This morning, my awesome intern Adam said he found a new hobby and sent me this link on Chessboxing. Chessboxing, people! I always thought curling was a weird sport, but I have to admit...any sport which has competitors alternating between a civilized game of chess and boxing rounds is just bizarre.

'Get over!'

Honestly, this is one of the funniest family moments caught on audio tape. Russ always has such great content. If you have about 8 minutes, listen to his clip of part of a roadtrip that his family took to Florida one year. The funniest part is when his mother starts screaming "Get over! Get over!" to his brother who is driving. Classic. I wish my family had moments like that on tape.

Happy Father's Day!

Check out my awesome wrapping job! See? It's a card and a gift all rolled into one striking package.

In the package contained a fascinating book that appeared to have been a success. I had a backup plan if the book didn't arrive on time. A CD! And in case Dad hated both, I took him out to lunch. HA! All bases covered! Who's the favorite daughter now? WHOOPASS!

Auntie Allie II

My office neighbor Paul asked me if I was looking forward to being an aunt. I explained to him my disappointment of being the aunt who lives the farthest away. "Eh. Don't worry about that..." he replied. "The kid won't remember a damn thing for the first 5 years anyway. I'd recommend skipping diaper duty altogether."

Strangely, I feel much better. I've got 6 years to further develop my strategy.

Yay!

My horse Jazil just won the Belmont Stakes!

Wow

People are crazy. And I can always count on my good friend Kim to bring this to my attention. She sent me the most disturbing article today. When a woman's 4-week-old puppy died, she pushed her way into the breeder's house and tried to take another one. When the breeder managed to throw the crazy woman out on the porch, the crazy woman began repeatedly bashing the breeder over the head WITH THE DEAD PUPPY. How sick is that?!

Yeah, I'd give her another puppy. Where's a pitbull when you need one?

For some reason, it just doesn't sound as good

Hey! Sticking with our singing theme... Write your own lyrics and have it sung back to you!

Who's turn is it to post?!

Smelly cat, smelly cat...

Stephanie, Rebecca, and Megan all came to visit this weekend. My dad's birthday is Monday so he had all his girls in town to celebrate. On Saturday, we all went our separate ways. Steph and I drove to Baltimore for my friend Nichole's house-warming party. Let me share a few pleasant details about Baltimore... People talk about how bad the crime element is in DC. Well, Baltimore is worse. And the street conditions are terrible. And Baltimore has to be the worst city ever at handling construction problems and solutions. Google Maps said it would take 40 minutes to get where we were going. I think it took us over 2 hours. We hit a traffic jam and had to take a detour because a bridge was closed for the weekend. Then we got lost following the detour signs (which ended under an underpass at a closed road) and drove 30 minutes into the ghetto. We back-tracked those 30 minutes and, after stopping at two gas stations, made it to Nichole's (which was not less than two blocks from where we started). After all that we still managed to have a good time at the party.

We bought my dad a firepit for his birthday and, when he opened it Saturday night, we suggested that he put it together so we could try it out. So it was a family affair. Steph read the directions and put the pieces in place after Mom took all the plastic wrap off. Rebecca did something with the nuts and bolts and Dad basically had to take the whole thing apart and put it back together. I did a poor job supervising. We finally were able to enjoy the fire and eat birthday cake and ice cream. My dad got stuck with the job of putting out the fire by dumping water all over it. Happy birthday, Dad!

Before they left today, Rebecca gave me a stirring rendition of her Bike Song. She wrote it herself about the dangers of riding a bike on city streets. I'm thinking much of it is based on personal experience as she's been hit with a car. Twice. I was very impressed. Any song with lyrics containing "crash, bang, boom" or "flip you the finger" is a real winner. She also sang me a song that Megan wrote about her shooting her "man-friend" after he stole away her sunshine. Both songs are kind of violent, but we Barnes women have a strong penchant for violence. It's part of what keeps us strong.

So I'm trying a new thing here. I've posted a link to a clip of Rebecca's song.

Without further ado, the Bike Song's debut. Something this good has to be shared.

Allison soon to be Auntie Allie

Has a nice ring to it, eh? In fact, my goal is to be the favorite aunt, which may be difficult considering I'll be the farthest aunt. It'll force me to buy my niece or nephew's affection which certainly I'm not opposed to doing. That and I'll have to slander Aunts Rebecca and Megan on a frequent basis. I've been doing that for years already but I'll have to kick it up a notch just to ensure my position. I have other plans too but to reveal them here would only serve to weaken my strategy. Perhaps my strongest opposition is the Latchford Twins. I must do more research on the threat they pose. More on this in the future.

I like how Steph subtly revealed her fertility under cover of a clumsy and awkward wardrobe malfunction. I tried to pry it out of her long ago but some things are best kept from you weirdos that keep coming back here day after day.

In honor of Rolling Thunder

New design.

Just got back from the Rolling Thunder thing in DC. I'll post some pics and maybe even a video clip later.

UPDATE: Here are a few pics from yesterday. Most were taken by Dad.

Stuck in my head

"It's super-hot out, yet I will mo-o-ow the laaaaaa-aaaa---awn!"

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love that Dunkin' Donuts radio ad.

Dang monkeys

Have I got a story for you...
As you all know, I'm no stranger to utter embarrassment. In fact, Embarrassment, Humiliation, and I are best friends... a perfect tri-fecta. And because I use self-deprecation as a coping mechanism to keep myself from going crazy, you guys are the winner here. Prepare yourself for this one.

I've desperately needed to go shopping for awhile, so last night I went to Kohl's. It was one of those days where I just couldn't find anything I liked. After finding nothing in the clothing department, I went upstairs to look over the shoes. I stuck out in that department too, so I decided to call it a night and leave. I went back to the elevator I had just come up ten minutes earlier and discovered it was broken. The door wouldn't close because some idiot buying tons of over-stuffed monkeys (?) apparently got one stuck in the door.

A store employee with a thick accent was in the process of taping a sign on the elevator door and nearly had a fit when she saw me. "Don't get in it!" she cried. "You'll get stuck!" I wasn't even considering getting in it. I asked how I was supposed to leave. She called the store manager who explained that they had no freight elevator and proceeded to poke the wire hanging down for about five minutes. Finally, he went away to call the emergency repair technician. "It was 2 days before the last technician fixed it," the store employee explained, which made me feel SO much better about the situation.

He came back a few minutes later and said he left a message for the technician. Oh, and he called the fire department because, hey, if they can get a cat out of a tree, surely they can get a chick in a wheelchair off the second floor of Kohl's. Sure enough. Ten minutes later, the firemen in full gear came tromping back to help me. For a split second, I thought they might fix the elevator, but that passed. "Yep, it's broken," one said. "Ready for a ride?"

Their plan was to go to the escalators in the middle of the store and find a way to transport me down it. After voicing my uncertainty at the brilliance of their plan, one tried to assume me. "We're professionals," he said. "But this is actually a first for us," said the other. Great.

So the store manager stopped the escalator and told all the people who were wanting to go down it to wait. The firemen moved me to a chair and picked it up like I was a queen on a throne... actually, it was more like I was a protester at an abortion clinic being loaded into a paddywagon. They walked me down the escalator. The guy in the front was a bit lower so I kept pitching forward. In my head, I kept picturing me flying forward on top of him and the both of us lying in a heap at the bottom. Call me ridiculously petty, but in an embarrassing situation like this, I'd prefer the fire department to send out the ugly firemen, not the smokin' hotties. Say what you will about the luck of having hot firemen carry you down stairs. You're wrong.

Meanwhile, other shoppers are going up the other escalator, some carefully watching my unholy descent, others pretending everything's normal. Like they have no idea there's a fire engine sitting outside and that wobbly girl in the two firemen's grasp passing happens every time they shop at Kohl's.

In the end, I'm returned to my chair. The hot fireman whisk themselves away. And I'm given a $15 dollar gift card for my inconvenience. That's $15, not $50. Cheap bastards? Hey, that what I said. I left as soon as I could. I'm not shopping there until my embarrassment has worn off. What makes it so much worse is that I didn't even buy anything. I hate coming home with nothing. Nothing but a crap story. I know it could've been worse. They could've thrown me over their shoulders like a sack of potatoes, butt first. Imagine that.

"What now, sucka?!"

Megan sent this photo:

Faker

I love how Megan says "Geez, post someting..." in the comments. Like my life right now is so much more exciting that hers. I'm old and boring. I found a grey hair. I'm busy. I have an intern at work who will probably end up googling my name, finding this website, and showing all his friends how dorky his supervisor is. I have bigger problems. I'm taking medication that leaves a nasty taste in my mouth and promotes irritability. A real sister would post something herself. It's not like Megan even has Rebecca's I-Keep-Forgetting-My-Password Excuse. Take some initiative, loser.

Deed of dreadful note

Boy dies of rabies from bat

Ere the bat hath flown
His cloister's flight; ere to black Hectate's summons,
The shard-born beetle, with his drowsy hums,
Hath rung night's yawning peal, there shall be done
A deed of dreadful note.

-Macbeth

Faking it

A "paralyzed" woman literally got up and ran from police when she was in the process of being arrested for fraud. Apparently, 35-year-old Laura Lee Medley has sued several California cities for injuries sustained due to lack of proper accessibility. After complaining of health issues during her arrest, she was taken to a hospital where she got out of bed and sprinted down the hall away from the police. A miracle, no doubt!

So? What's wrong with that? When I'm home, I like to get out of my wheelchair and walk around too. It's just so much easier. I can reach everything better. I only use my wheelchair when I'm out in public. I like the attention. It makes me feel special.

This news article is hilarious and disgusting at the same time. I giggled insanely when I read it at work. Just the thought of a faker like her sprinting down the hospital hallway with police trailing makes me giggle. But it's sick people like this woman who give all disabled people a bad name.

My coworkers probably think I'm faking it just so I can get an office instead of a cubicle and primo parking. Bwahaha! They'll never find me out. I'm too good at pretending.

Happy (Early) Mother's Day

It's that time of year again. Yep. It's Mother's Day Campout Weekend! This year we're gathering in Manheim, PA, again and will celebrate how fabulous our mother is with campfires and hot dogs (and Steph's sausage and chicken dogs) and other rustic goodies. If I remember correctly, there is an outstanding creamery not far from the campground. That means ice cream!

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom Remington Steele Season 3. Ah, Pierce Brosnan! A certain hit.

Don't forget to give yo' mama a kiss for me.

I liked him better when he was doing card tricks

Ick. David Blaine gets on my nerves. Who else thinks it's stupid to stay in a bubble of water for a week? I couldn't care less whether he holds his breath for 9 minutes or passes out in a heap of foul wrinkled skin. Make it go away!

Just an observation

Don't you think it's kind of funny that I have '57 posts' under my icon on the sidebar and everyone else has.... well, under 15? Slackers.

Speaking of slackers, I think I'm going to start posting one sentence every day. Maybe I can handle that. Maybe.

I love Jason Schwartzman

Rushmore is a great movie.

Fragile nerves

Folks, I haven't been feeling quite well for over a month. I've been struggling with a certain physical ailment that doctor appointments and prescriptions have not been able to remedy. At first it was just annoying, but now I'm at my wit's end. It's all I can think about and it's wearing me down. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better and I'm tired of shouldering it all on my own. These feeling are magnified 50% because I'm PMSing. I'm wound so tightly today that any little thing is going to send me over the edge. On the way to work today, I ran over a squirrel. The little thing ran out in the middle of the road and my back tire crushed it. I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw it lying in the road and I burst into tears. Small rodent death usually does not produce this effect. In fact, I didn't cry when I hit that dog a few years ago and I could have because that cost a few hundred in repairs to the bottom of my van. So I'm driving down the road with tears streaming down my face and I'm so tired.

Hopefully I can make it through the remainder of the day without breaking down for some stupid reason. I got a new trackball today and it's already getting on my nerves. My only glimmer of hope is that I have another doctor appointment today. If it doesn't go well, I'm going to be a mess.

It's May Day!

From Wikipedia:

"In the United States (and possibly Holland), May Day baskets are made. These baskets are small and usually filled with treats are left at someone's doorstep. When you ring the bell, you are supposed to run away, if you are caught then the other person gets to kiss you."

Get to crackin', people! I'm waiting by my door.

TPS Trouble

The corporation I work for has compliance training so frequently that I often lose track when certain courses are due. We usually are required to take course like Violence in the Workplace, Harassment, Information Protection, Ethics, etc. Well. I was notified that two of my courses were overdue and I swear it was just like that scene in Office Space where, like, five different people within the span of fifteen minutes tell him to put a cover sheet on his TPS report.

"Hey, Allison, I noticed your compliance training is overdue."

"Complete your compliance training by tomorrow noon!"

"Oh, about your compliance training..."

That is such a great movie.

Photos from Easter weekend

Here is a photo of Zeke and one of the Psycho Cats.

I've never met a pair of friendlier cats. This guy even took a nap with my dad.

Mom brought one of her mom's old outfits up to Philly in hopes that Rebecca would want it. Very red. Kind of a crushed velveteen type. We called it Grandma's pimp jacket.

I thought she looked really snazzy in it. Mom was offended when someone brought up that it'd be a great Halloween costume.

Because you all know EVERYTHING

Hey, check out this email I got yesterday:

"Can you still get packs of grape lifesavers?

Thanks

Gary"

Someone help a brother out. Can Gary still get packs of grape lifesavers?

Meme meme meme meme ha!

I've been tagged by Russ to do a meme (MEME... meme... Russ hates the word meme... We hate what we cannot pronounce, eh?). So, here you have it. Six interesting facts you previously did not know about me:

1. I dated a member of the Crips in college. Ex-member, I should have said. He had the tattoo covered with an eagle. I only dated him for maybe two months, so I wasn't crushed when I found out he was cheating on me. He was the last guy I introduced to my grandma before she died. She really like him because he played the trumpet.

2. The last two toes on my left foot are webbed. When I was in high school, I dated a guy with two sets of webbed toes. People used to joke that we'd have kids with duck feet. It wasn't funny. I used to tell people that my webbed toe made me swim in circles and they'd believe me. Now that is funny.

3. I spent 36 hours in a detox program my freshman year of college. (Hi, Mom!) I was caught with alcohol on our dry campus and was hauled off to the drunk tank handcuffed in the back of a police car. I got to wear the blue scrub-like outfits and even had my own room there because all the other inmates were men. The second night there, I shared my room with old lady with stringy hair who said she was a regular and met her husband there. This may give the impression that I was wild in college but I wasn't really. Just ask Russ.

4. A homeless woman in Georgetown once cussed me out for only giving her a dollar. Apparently, the bums in Georgetown are used to a higher standard of living than the bums in the rest of DC.

5. My first car was a 1979 Plymouth Horizon my parents bought for $500. Steph and I shared it. Her friends christened it "The Green Bean" because it was long and narrow and a pukey green color. Part of the passenger's side floor was missing so our feet would get wet when we'd drive through a puddle. The rear-view mirror would sometimes fall off when we drove over a bumpy stretch of road. There was a time when the passenger's side door would fly open whenever we turned left, but then the door handle broke and we had to start climbing in and out the window, Hazzard-style. One day the horn started sounding on and off for no apparent reason which became really annoying in the middle of the night, so my dad finally cut the wire. Despite all it's imperfections, it was an awesome first car and we loved it even after it's death on the side of road in 1995. The Green Bean had character. Forgive me if I'm hostile toward kids today with their brand new Solaras and Accuras. Can you say spoiled?

6. Hey, not to bring this party down, but you should know that I get really tired of constantly worrying or thinking about an entirely different set of issues than your average everyday person thinks about. I don't talk about spinal cord injury-related issues much, but I can't avoid dealing with them. I would really enjoy going through one day with the same stupid concerns that I used to have. Wow. That would be nice.

I'm passing this on to Beasty. Oh, and maybe Big J if he sees this in a timely manor. And if Ben Kepple would like to complete this, I'd find it fascinating. Do you all know I dream of him?

Bleh

I'm not sure about you, but I'll tell you I'm certainly not ready for a Hollywood version of Flight 93. I just think it's too soon. I will not be seeing that.

Death and taxes

Tax day. I owe more that ever this year. I'm all messed up. I'm thinking about having a couple of kids just for tax purposes. After reading the tax forms, I remarked to my mom that I need to be blind to take advantage of the tax break. But blindness and paralysis would yield the most unholy results, so maybe I should simply settle for marrying a blind man. We'd be a brilliant pair. We'd make a complete being. My mom told me not to joke like that. I'm obviously insensitive AND unfunny.

The weekend was good. I hung out with the whole family at Steph and Vince's house on Friday night. We had veggie lasagna which was really just as delicious as the original. Steph is shaping up into a very good cook. During dinner, we had a 20-minute discussion about time-travel, a subject near and dear to my dad's heart. Turns out his greatest desire is to create a workable time machine and then snub the press. No interviews for anyone! He'd find a small-town reporter to deal with and make his career. Megan's roommate's 13-year-old nephew Aaron was fascinated with the topic and he and my dad argued logistics for quite awhile. I am really not at liberty to reveal any more of the conversation because my dad doesn't want the government to get involved in his plans or confiscate his machine...which may or may not exist. We were sworn to secrecy although I do not know if Aaron is trust-worthy.

Zeke and his cat cousins got along okay although, to begin with, neither party was very comfortable with the other. By Sunday though, Hitler wanted to play. So when Zeke followed him into the dining room to smell his butt, Hitler turned around, got up on his hind legs, and "WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!" delivered a few clawless smacks to the face. Zeke looked at me in shock and was quite offended for the next hour.

Rebecca and Megan went away and did whatever it is they do on Friday nights while the rest of us went to bed. I couldn't sleep. It might have been because I was in another bed or maybe because Zeke was busy burrowing under the blankets down to my feet. There was no clock in my bedroom, but at what felt like 1 a.m., my cell phone rang. It was Russ, who informed me that it was only 11:30 p.m. my time and was shocked I was in bed. Like I party at 11:30 on a Friday. Please. I need all the beauty sleep I can get.

Rebecca took my parents motorcycle shopping on Saturday which, if you know Rebecca, you find as amusing as I do. She weighs maybe 100 pounds. I took Steph area rug shopping at 2 different IKEAs. You poor mid-westerners. There are three (3) IKEAs in the Philadelphia area. Two in the Washington DC area. How many out west? Hmmm. But anyway, we were not happy with the selection. That being said, if you know where to get a great 8x10 area rug for less than an arm and a leg, leave me a comment.

The whole family went to Steph and Vince's church on Easter Sunday. To avoid the after-church crowds, we thought about eating lunch at Hooter's but opted to go back to the house instead. Eating at Hooter's on Easter Sunday seems wrong on several different levels.

Megan would like me to point out that this week is Philadelphia Entrepreneurship Week, an event she's been coordinating for months now. (Since nobody can spell Entrepreneurship...or maybe that's just me, here's the link) I think she's stressed out about its success. If you're in the Philly area, be kind enough to get out and participate in one of the events. Megan's worked hard. Go Megan!

Lastly, if you haven't completed your taxes, get crackin'. Who wants to get hauled to jail for tax evasion when you could end up in the same place for something so much more fun like a nude sprint across the White House lawn, money laundering, or plain ol' burglary. Choose your crime carefully, that's all I'm sayin'.

Happy Easter!

On Friday, I'll be heading up to Philadelphia to celebrate Easter with the rest of the clan. I'm looking forward to introducing Zeke to Steph and Vince's new cats. I think he'll be terrified of them. They'll probably gang up on him and push him down the basement stairs. They're probably as sneaky as those Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp. Should be entertaining.

I hope you all have a fantastic Easter.

Squishing the Arts with love

I don't watch tons of documentaries, but I enjoy an occassional one if it's on a subject matter that interests me. It's because I am cultured and well-rounded, an embracer of the arts. I have to keep reminding myself of that because, when I tell people I watched a documentary on paperclips last night, they don't say those lovely things about me. In all honesty, it wasn't about paperclips; it was titled "Paperclips", and it was about a class of 8th graders in a rural town in Tennessee who attempted to collect one paperclip for each of the 6 million Jews who were killed in the Holocaust. (That's 6 million paperclips for those of you who lack proper math skills.) The film follows the project from start to finish and highlights a few Holocaust survivors and tons of letters from people sending paperclips. By the end, the entire town was involved in the project. I was a blubbering mess by the film's end. What especially touched me was an interview of a Holocaust survivor whose mother and brother were killed. He said that now, with this last generation of survivors dying, it was going to be up to the history books to teach what really happened. But there is only so much one can pick up from a book. It's really something to hear a first-hand account. If you are an art embracer such as myself, pick up this documentary. It's a good story, especially for kids.

God bless Jesse

Looks like Jesse Jackson is popping up again to defend the poor, down-trodden Barry Bonds saying Major League Baseball failed to protect Bonds after a fan threw a syringe at him. Forgive me if I think this is hilarious. I'm so glad Jesse Jackson is around to stand up for victims like Barry Bonds. It does my heart good to know that someone is out there defending ridiculously wealthy athletes who've managed to involve themselves in steroid scandels. Life's just not fair for them.

Supporting the arts one artist at a time

I went to the Patuxent Wildlife Refuge's Art Show and Sale on Saturday afternoon. I generally find wildlife art very generic. It's usually your standard wolf or bird (or what's worse, deer) and it has all the creativity of a butter knife. I'm more of a Georgia O'Keefe florals girl. Or a Pre-Raphaelite girl. There were three artists there whom I thought were very good. One had the most beautiful watercolor landscapes. Another had vibrant colors through out his paintings. But I ended up spending the most time at the booth of an artist named Michael McNelly. His art was very appealing to me. His was the first booth I came across where I actually stopped to look closely at the pieces.
My favorites:
"Snowy Shelter"
"Crow Tracks"
"Crisp and Still"
"Summer Pond"
"The Old One"

I think his composition is fantastic. Every picture is balanced and eye-pleasing. I prefer his nature pics to the Native American ones.

I sat in front of his booth for 10 minutes trying to decide which of two art pieces to buy and in the end I chose "Aerial Acrobat" for the colors and composition. It was already beautifully framed for me, so he bagged it up and we started to leave. On the way out, we ran into a friend of my parents who spoke at great length about how she really liked the other picture I had thought about buying. So I immediately turned around and went to buy it too! I couldn't even make it out of the building before going back to buy another! And while I was in the process of buying "Forest Spirit", a man came along bemoaning the fact that I got to it before he did. Haha! I beat the old man to the punch! (New slogan... Allisonlives.com: Stealing the Elderly Man's Thunder!)

I am an art connoiseur. And I had a paycheck of three month's back-pay burning a hole in my pocket. I support the arts!

Another reason why I love my coworker Pam

"Hey, Allison. I see you've got shoes with heels on today. They make you look taller!"

She kills me.

What's not to love about a scanner?

Since my car accident, I've been a little self-conscious about my hands. They're all wrinkled and thin-skinned. You can see my veins right through them. But no more! My hands are coming out of the closet!

(Click to see my actual hand size!)

It's true. This site's gone to crap. I'm blogging about my hands.

Do what?! In a theater?!

I occasionally correspond with an ex-boyfriend and last week he reminded me of an Alanis Morrisette tape I had left in his car the last time I'd seen him. Yes, this was back when CDs were just on the horizon. I loved that tape and listened to it often. It was her debut album. My ex-boyfriend now associates me with those songs. To be honest, I'm not really excited about that because Alanis seems kind of angry, doesn't she? Or maybe that was just on her first album. I wouldn't really know because after I left that tape in his car, I never went out of my way to listen to her again.

It's okay though because, whenever I hear a certain Bryan Adams song, I think of him. I've never asked him, but I'm guessing he's not a huge Bryan Adams fan. Nothing seems to open the pages of my memory like a song or a scent.

For example...
Calvin Klein's Obsession cologne reminds me of my ex, Blind Greg, because he always wore it.
Rotten mushrooms remind me of Alamosa, Colorado.
"The Piano Man" by Billy Joel reminds me of my high school friend Richard because he sang it with gusto.

Your turn. Give me a song or scent and the corresponding memory.

Heloise better be right

Anyone ever heard of wiping white toothpaste on and off a scratched CD to repair it? It was in a Hints from Heloise column the other day. I'm trying to salvage one of my CDs, so I think I'm going to try it tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.

29 Reasons Why America Sucks

These are good for a chuckle. My favorites:

19. Our constitution is simply too lenient and doesn't allow for beheadings.

21. Our army shows up early to everything, which is awkward.

25. Unending series of medical and pharmaceutical breakthroughs by private research undermines population control.

Steph!

I wish Steph would post something.

Just a big stinky breath away

I find it fascinating that certain celebrities are quoted in major news outlets for saying really obscure and very generic things. Take Sharon Stone for example, who is in Paris promoting women's rights. Here's what she had to say about peace in the Middle East: "It feels to me that we have an opportunity ... to choose understanding in a new way. ...It's just an agreement that's just a breath. We are not far apart. We can choose to have this alternative kind of growth that is a collective nuance of understanding." How profound.

Well, preach on, sista. Let's have that collective nuance of understanding. But Sharon should probably realize that a simple agreement to not kill each other isn't going to do a whole lot until certain cultures stop teaching hate in kindergarten. Peace is not just a breath away.

She goes on to say "This is a new and very exciting time for women, because women by their very nature are creative and not destructive. And this is an extraordinary and important thing that we can bring into a world that awaits the opportunity for peace."

She obviously hasn't met my girl friends. They're as destructive as they get. And it's all-natural. You just can't teach that kind of destruction.

Office disaster area

Tired of feeling utterly filthy about the state of my office at work, I took a few minutes to tidy up my workspace. I've noticed recently that everyone around me is really clean and organized. When I look around my office, I see junk. Everywhere. So I began unearthing the pile of papers that spill across my desktop and found items I hadn't seen in years: a 2001 company wall calendar, a 2002 benifits booklet, and loose papers from every year after. And what shocked me was the ridiculous amount of loose paper clips strewn amongst them. Dust covered the vast majority of the desk I never sit at. And I'm not talking about a thin layer. We're talking dust bunnies.

See, part of the mess just isn't my fault. Being in a wheelchair, I can't reach certain areas like the back portion of my unused desk and the taller shelves. And that's why that yellow gummy bear has been under my desk since last year. But I take full responsibity for the paper clutter and used coffee mugs. Now that I'm spending more time at work, I must resolve to live a more organized office life and save my clutter for my desk at home. (Which I've already got a big jump on.)

Because I can think of nothing better...

To get to work a few minutes earlier, I've been taking my coffee and a breakfast cereal/granola bar to go. I really like the All Bran bars. Anybody have any suggestions for other pre-packaged portable breakfast items?

Oh, before I forget... Happy St. Patty's day. I hate to be negative, but it's pathetic that it's just turned into another drinking holiday. Kinda like Cinco de Mayo. Green beer-drinking losers. That being said, I am wearing green today for no other reason than to keep the pinchers away.

I'm really into The Weepies right now. Beside having a really stupid name, they're fantastic. Great background music. I'm all about Folk. You can hear some of their music on their website, and don't you worry, for those of you who get my quarterly mix, they will be on it!

I had my first Starbucks Frappacino Light of the season last weekend. Now that it's getting a little warmer I'm going to have to switch over to my summer drink.

Staying at work 'til 6 on a Friday sucks.

Oh, and I really do have a mullet.

I am DUMB

I am dumb... I am dumb!... I am dumb!!

Are U DUMB?

Take this quiz and Jimmy Choo will tell you.

Monday mullet blues

These are the coolest sidewalk chalk drawing ever.

Oh, and I got my hair cut last Monday but I wanted it layered a little more so I begged my mom to cut it a little more. I now have a mullet. Just kidding, Mom.

My copay gave me a papercut

I've been feeling like I'm going to keel over and die all week long so I finally made an appointment to see my doctor (whom I adore) this morning. Turns out he thinks my chest pain is mostly muscular and will resolve itself in 4 to 6 weeks. Oh, and I made it worse by doing physical therapy yesterday. I can't for the life of me pin-point how I could've pulled a chest muscle... I am the queen of bizarre medical problems. If you need medical advice, ask me first because chances are I've had it. I still feel like a heart attack waiting to happen.

Speaking of heart attacks, Reb is going to make me cookies! (How'd you like that transition?) Peanut butter cookies! We Google-chatted for the first time last night. Reb's awesome. She's the kind of person I'd totally be friends with if I lived nearer.

Woe is me

You take your health for granted. When I went to bed on Saturday night, I felt a heavy pressure on my chest. I figured I ate something weird and that the pain would pass, but it didn't. All day Sunday, I had the same pressure as though some fattie was standing on my sternum. "This can't be good," I thought.

I didn't sleep last night. At all. Because my heart was causing a commotion, bouncing around, and then it jumped through my chest and kicked Zeke in the head. When I physically feel bad at night, my mind wanders into territory it should never go. Paranoia sets in and all paths lead to death:

I am going to have a heart attack and die. Crap. I don't have a will. Who will I leave my massive amounts of money to? Megan can have my iPod. But Steph gets all the songs. What will I leave Becky? She doesn't like my stuff... I have a blood clot and it's gone to my lungs or my heart. I'm going to have a stroke. What if it doesn't kill me? Oh Father God, let it kill me! I need an advanced directive! I don't want to be a vegetable... I'm going to have to call an ambulance to drive me to the hospital. Ack. What if they take me to the ghetto hospital? The nurses will kill me...

See how crazy I am? So at 6 a.m. this morning I decided I should go to the hospital. Blot clots are a concern for someone with comprimised circulation like myself, so I decided to be proactive. Of course, they put an IV in. What's the joy in a hospital visit if you don't get your skin pierced? The doctor originally thought I was suffering from indigestion, but when the GI cocktail he gave me produced no results, he moved on to other theories. After a chest x-ray, a CT scan, and some other weird test, the doctor concluded that NOTHING was wrong with me. No blood clots in the heart or lungs.

So here I sit... my heart feeling like it will explode any second, reiterating that nothing is wrong with me. Except that my heart may be naturally angry and I took a vacation day at work to spend 7 hours in the ER.

And really, have I not made my feelings about plastic tape perfectly clear?! Obviously not.

Any theories on my chest pain? I'm obviously going to kick the bucket and sooner than later. Internet, just know that I love you.

Big spender

I spent $100 on bras Saturday and over $100 on three pairs of shoes on Sunday.

Sometimes you just have to buy the essentials, you know?

What are you tryin' to say?

Trying to kill a few minutes at the end of my work day, I called Megan. There's really no better waste of time than talking to Megan on the phone. I asked her what was going on. "I went snowboarding a few days ago," she said. I asked her where and she said she went somewhere in the Pocanos.

"Do you know the name of the place?" I asked.

"...Um, Brokeback Mountain," she said.

She's so dumb. I laughed for a good 5 minutes and then again when I hung up. She's good, I tell ya. Quick on her feet. Knows how to make me laugh... Unless that was really her way of telling me she now bats for the other team.

No bun in this oven

So here's a funny story about my shirt. (I can tell you stories about a lot of my shirts, but this one's funny where as others are just sad.) My mom went shopping last Friday and, like she does occassionally, came home with a shirt she thought I'd like. Her success in finding something pleasing to me varies. Sometimes her finds end up on a back shelf in my closet, but sometimes she comes home with a treasure. Her most recent purchase for me was a chocolate brown corduroy snap-up shirt and it's very cute. I wore it on Saturday.

This morning, I decided I wear it to work. I asked my friend Beverly to grab it out of my closet and she came into the bathroom a few minutes later holding it with a big smile on her face. "Do you know what this shirt is?" she asked.

"Duh. It's corduroy," I replied.

"Yeah... It's a maternity shirt."

COME ON, MOM. What are you trying to do to me?! Give me an additional complex? Beverly tried to assure me that maternity clothes these days are actually really cute, but here's the thing: It doesn't matter if they're absolutely adorable and fit me like a glove. It's a matter of pride! I can't start shopping in the maternity section.

So I wore the shirt anyway. Yes, I'm sitting here in my brown, corduroy maternity get-up typing this. My ego has been taken down a few notches because I'm WEARING A PREGNANT WOMAN'S SHIRT and what's worse, I'm not sure yet if my mom actually was aware she was buying maternity apparel or if she specifically shopped in that section for me. Either way, we're going to have to have a discussion about this when I see her tonight, which will probably end up with her rolling on the floor laughing.

Playing catchup

Last Thursday, I left work early and met a few friends at 4 p.m. to drive into Virginia to catch the Third Day/David Crowder concert at the Patriot Center. It was scheduled to start at 7 p.m. so we we decided to grab some dinner. We walked into Red Lobster at 5:30... not a brilliant idea, because we ended up missing the first half of the show. We had the slowest waiter ever. The part of the show I caught though was very enjoyable. I'm a big Third Day fan. I was afraid they would only play their newer songs, but thankfully about 50% of what they played was their older superior stuff. Pictures were taken but not with my camera. I'll have to beg a few pics off Beverly.

Speaking of music, KT Tunstall's debut album Eye to the Telescope is good. I really like about 3 or 4 of the songs on it. You should check it out.

I totally haven't been getting my money's worth out of Netflix lately. So I watched two movies this weekend. The first, a foreign film called Zelary, I won't go into much because no one I know actually enjoys a good movie with subtitles and I'll be again opening myself to ridicule by the people who know me. (The first 75% of the movie was great and you should rent it if you're into the Gestapo, WWII, harsh reality, and beautiful scenery all balled up in a romance. Good stuff.)

I finally watched the classic An Affair to Remember after having it for close to a month. Yeah, Netflix loves me. No quick turnover for me. I loved the movie... probably because I adore Cary Grant. And, of course, I shed a tear at the end. Viewing the movie in this day and age, Deborah Kerr's character almost seems unreal. You know the part where Cary Grant is upset that Kerr didn't show up? She doesn't want him to know about the accident so she quietly accepts his anger. Uh, uh. That wouldn't fly with today's woman. But that is part of what is so beautiful about the classics. Call me old-fashioned but women back then were a class act. Then again, so were the men.

I ran into a guy from high school on Sunday. He was quite, you know... the skinny guy with glasses who was sort of geeky. I always liked him and I keep running into him every few years. It's funny how people change in the span of ten years. He's filled out quite well. He's got a beautiful wife and seems happy. It's amazing what a little stubble and self-confidence will do for a person. Our 10-year high school reunion is this spring so we chatted a bit about that. It's being held on the top floor of a local restaurant and there isn't elevator access so I've got a real good reason not to go. I wouldn't mind seeing a few people from high school but I wouldn't mind NOT seeing them either.

Why do so many of the male Ice Dancers at the Olympics have longish hair? One of the guys actually looks like his female partner. Same hair color/length/cut. It's freaky. I wouldn't be able to distinguish between them if she wasn't wearing a skirt. I expect that kind of shagginess out of those wacko snowboarders, but not really the ice skaters.

All of my posts now are probably going to be all jumbled like this. Are posts supposed to stick with one theme? I think not. This is my part of the Internet. I can do whatever I want. And maybe covering all kinds of topics will give you all at least something to comment on, eh?

July 1988

Good grief.

V-Day review

Since I started my new job, I've been getting home around 6 p.m. I typically grab a bite to eat, bike 3 miles on my handcycle, sort through junk mail, and catch up on a few other things. When 8 p.m. rolled around last night, I flipped the TV on. Highly irresponsible of me because I've committed to revamping this Children's Medical Ministries website. It's in dire need of a face-lift. Their previous designer didn't do them any favors.

So here's a few thoughts on Valentine's evening TV: I watched American Idol with my mom. We split a small bag of chocolate and caramel-drizzled popcorn. If that's not romance, I don't know what is. It's down to the final...uh, 48? Or something like that. They were giving a lot of people the boot last night. It's a good thing I'm not a judge, because those pain-in-the-butt twins wouldn't have had a shot in hell. I have no tolerance for high-maintenance people even if they can sing. I just figure even some good singers aren't worth the headache. It gives me comfort to know they were kicked off later for stealing a car or something illegal. They've got some crazy people on that show but I suppose that's just the way they like it. Good for ratings.

I can't stand the guy on that show House, so I switched over to catch a bit of Men's figure skating. I checked my gmail and noticed they've got a chat feature with it now. I saw that Russ was online so I ambushed him in typical Allison-style: "What's this chat-thing, yo?"

He was also watching the Olympics, however his coverage was an hour behind my own. Alas, we couldn't watch together. But it was OUR delayed Olympics viewing moment. I watched a bio on men's figure skater Johnny Weir and then asked Russ, "Do you think ALL men's figure skaters are gay?" Russ implied that most probably use the sport to pick up chicks. He's probably right. Women love figure skating. I would pay $20 bucks to see Russ in Johnny Weir's swan get-up.

I was in the process of telling Russ I wanted to be a luger (a person who luges) when he abruptly left our chat and went to pick up Greek food. So much for our moment.

This kills me!

I love it! This is so great! (Seen at Lucianne.)

And what's really funny is that the collage has been around for at least a year. It's not like someone just threw it together in light of recent events. (Via NRO)

Eh.

Does everyone find the Winter Olympics as boring as I do? I enjoy the snowboarding halfpipe and some of the figure skating, but MAN, curling? I'd much rather watch the Summer games.

And while I'm complaining... Whose bright idea was it for us to work 8-hour days? I can't believe people actually do that.

Foot of snow

'Bill Cosby would not wear this'

These are the ugliest men's sweaters I've ever seen. Hideous. Just terrible.

Don't forget to purchase your Bad Sweater Guy calendar.

Schwagiwagiwagi

Good news! ...I guess. I got a job offer. After a few years of intermittently sending out resumes, I am finally wanted. The funny thing is that it's a position within my own organization. This is a positive and a negative. The good things first: I have a 20-minute commute, I already know everyone, the benefits are good, the data is somewhat familiar, and most importantly, I can keep my vast collection of schwag. (It's probably tacky to bring your mugs, candy dishes, calendars, etc. with your old company's logo on it to your new job...especially if it's with a competitor.) And I have a lot of schwag in my office. I just counted twelve different items.

The downside to all this is that it is a technical job. That's not really a bad thing; it's just not what I was looking for. I have more visual and creative skills than technical skills so naturally I was a little surprised when I got an offer from our Engineering group. I'm not completely familiar with what I'll be doing yet but hopefully I'll enjoy it, or at the least, not hate it. Seven years ago when I first started here, I had no interest in learning SQL but, after years of working with it, I actually appreciate it. I'm hoping I'll take to this new job in the same way.

I'll be working more hours, but I'll also be getting paid almost three times what I make now. All of a sudden, I feel rich. Okay, richer anyway.

Tagged!

Well. This one's been around the block a time or two. I was meme-tagged by Russ and it's a slow day, so here goes...

Four jobs I've had:

1. Server at a scary diner in the ghetto
2. Server at a Texas roadhouse
3. Campus Life Editor making pennies
4. Publications Coordinator

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Office Space
2. Charade
3. A&E's Pride and Prejudice
4. The Phantom of the Opera

Four Places I've Lived;
1. Wheaton, Illinios
2. Parker, Colorado
3. Manassas, Virginia
4. Silver Spring, Maryland

Four tv shows I love:
1. Scrubs
2. Seinfeld
3. Lost
4. The Office

Four Places I've Vacationed:
1. New Orleans, LA
2. Orlando, FL
3. Las Vegas, NV/Los Angeles, CA
4. Wray, CO

Four of my favorite dishes: Only four?!
1. Russ's chicken fettuccini
2. Spaghetti or pizza
3. Cheese omelette or grilled cheese and tomato soup
4. Grilled Salmon and veggies

Four sites I visit daily:
1. Yahoo Internet News Most Popular
2. NationalReviewOnline.com
3. WashingtonPost.com
4. Hotmail/Gmail accounts

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. At home in bed
2. In a hot tub
3. On a sandy beach with a margarita
4. On a train ride across Canada

Four bloggers I'm tagging:
This meme will die with me!

Fiesta!

I took a vacation day on Friday and drove up to Philadelphia to visit my sisters. I arrived up there way to early. My brother-in-law Vince was home but was on a conference call until 3:30 so Zeke the Weenie Dog and I took the scenic route. I wasn't really planning on leaving home until at least 11:30 or so but when my friend's 3-year-old daughter started feeding Zeke Colby Jack cheese, I knew it was time to go.

I always feel a little bad subjecting Steph and Vince to Zeke's presence. I'm high-maintenance enough as it is. And he can be a really nasty little dog and neither of them are big animal lovers. And it's not like I'm going to follow him around the back yard and scoop his poop. Nope. I'm sure Zeke left a couple little love packages in the yard.

Steph was not joking about the amount of food that was left over from their Rock Star Karaoke Party. As Vince stated, if they were to eat nother but tortilla chips and salsa -- breakfast, lunch, and dinner -- for the next three weeks, they'd still have enough for a small party. The menu this weekend featured burritos with spicy shredded chicken, homemade guacamole, and Cosmopolitans; Steph's Signature French Toast with sausage and coffee; Mole* (pronounced mol-eh) with fresh cilantro and tortilla chips; a shredded chicken breakfast burrito, sausage, and coffee; and in between all that, MORE CHIPS AND SALSA! And corn dip! Woohoo! Not to mention an unlimited supply of beer.

*Do you realize how many definitions of the word mole there are?

When we weren't eating chips and salsa, we were sleeping or watching TV or shopping. On Sunday afternoon, we ventured through the ghettos of West Philly to pick up Rebecca and Megan and took them to an afternoon church service where Rebecca almost set the church on fire when she went to the front to light a candle. We took them back to Vince and Steph's house in time for Vince to catch a bit of the Superbowl pre-game show. We had just enough time to pack in more chips and salsa before taking Rebecca and Megan back home for their dates/parties/social events or whatever they do.

Between all that, I didn't catch any of the Superbowl except a few minutes of the half-time show. Yeah, yeah. I know Mick Jagger still rocks and all that but I still don't like him much. He sure shakes his money-maker like no other 60-year-old I know. Just imagine hom many children and grandchildren he must have.

I left right after half-time because Vince wanted me to be off the roads before all the drunks came out in full force. Many thanks to Vince and Steph for hosting me and Zeke this weekend. As always, I had a great time.

Megan thinks she's a ninja pirate or something.

Vince and chips and salsa. A great trio, I must say.

Rebecca tried to pull me out of my chair.

Ahaha -- I can't stop laughing!

Happy birthday, Steph

This and that

I've been MIA for the past week because I'm a big sucker and can't tell people no when they ask me to do something for them. That's right. I've over-committed myself. That's always fun. So here are a few points I'd like to throw out before I carry on...

1. This is disgusting. Cindy Sheehan obviously has no idea what Chavez stands for... or maybe she does. Ick. That's even worse. "'Enough of imperialist aggression. We must tell the world, down with the U.S. empire,' Chavez said hugging Sheehan..."

And then there's good ol' Harry Belafonte who claims Bush is ‘the greatest terrorist in the world’ and said millions of Americans support the socialist revolution of Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez. First of all, talking crap about your country -- who has given you everything -- in a foreign country who hates you is kind of like dishing dirt on your family in public. It's uncouth. Commonplace, but uncouth. At least that's what I think. Secondly, I have a hard time believing that Mr. Banana Boat couldn't come up with a terrorist who is greater than Bush... A REAL terrorist, that is. There are just so many to choose from who are truly frighteningly dangerous.

And please, please, please don't get me going on the idiotic glorification of Che Guevara or how lovely Revolution sounds rolling off the tongue of a 17-year-old kid who doesn't know the icon on his t-shirt murdered for Communism. I could go on about this ALL DAY LONG.

Belafonte, Danny Glover, Sheehan, and the supposed "millions" of Americans have every right to support Chavez. Free speech, free thinkers, blah, blah, blah... But as U.S. citizens under the protection of this country, it would be classy to show a small amount of self-control and not throw your mama to the wolves.

2. And now on to more pleasant topics. Wine, for starters. I enjoy a glass of wine every so often. Okay, every night with dinner. And my dad has the most unique corkscrew ever created. I'd take a picture of it but my camera's battery needs recharging. It's this wooden monstrosity that's at least 20 years old. None of my friends can figure out quite how to work the contraption and Megan almost broke it a year ago. But my dad loves that thing and will never let it go. So my friends bought me a newfangled rabbit-eared one and every time I use it, I think of the rabbit in Donnie Darko and shudder. I say all of this simply to refer you to the Virtual Corkscrew Museum, an amazing collection of bizarre corkscrews ranging from a giant corkscrew to corkscrew chocolate molds. Interesting.

3. I like that Daniel Bedingfield song "If You're Not the One" but I'm kind of embarrassed about it because it's such a sappy song.

4. So In Touch Weekly put out a list of the Hottest TV Hunks. For the record, I really do agree with most of the picks: Patrick Dempsey, Wentworth Miller (hot -- he's got some crazy hair when it's not shaved close!), Shemar Moore, Matthew Fox... but to be honest, I'm not such a John Stamos fan.

5. Happy Chinese New Year! It's the Year of the Dog. I tried to tell Zeke that we weren't Chinese but he was so excited about HIS year that I'll pretend for his sake that we are.

6. If you like soul music even just a little, you've got to check out Bettye LaVette. She's so good I can't stand it. I want to see her live. On her new CD "I've Got My Own Hell to Raise" she covers Fiona Apple and others.

7. I'm an animal lover, but I've got to draw the line somewhere.

Internet, I am in love with you.

Slacker

Today is somewhat of an odd day. I went into work today to find my office all straightened up. All the clutter was gone and my loose papers were in neat piles. My stack of extra napkins thrown out. It was in that moment that I remembered the corporate big shots were visiting today. I am the very worst employee ever. I looked around and nobody was at their desk. Everyone on the entire floor was in an all-hands meeting. And of course, everyone was dressed up except me. I'm the dummy who wore jeans and a turtleneck sweater. Even my coworker Pam, who I've never seen in anything but jeans, dressed up. It's just a matter of time before they fire me for being incompetent and oblivious.

Blanket Slanket

I totally need a Slanket.

I am a Death Dealer

I haven't seen Underworld nor will I see Underworld: Evolution (I'm just not big on the Vampire/Werewolf war...go figure), however Kate Beckinsale won me over in Cold Comfort Farm. I'd have to say the coolest line in the Underworld: Evolution ads is when she says "I am a Death Dealer..." I've taken to quoting her in the suave English accent but either nobody understands what I'm saying or they think I'm just not credible. Yeah, I know I'm not wearing a tight black leather outfit and cradling a crossbow, but COME ON. Do I not seem the littlest bit dangerous? Does this face not SCREAM "I AM A DEATH DEALER!"

...or maybe it just screams "I'm constipated!"

"I AM A DEATH DEALER'S DOG!"

"But for real though, I AM THE REAL DEATH DEALER!"

Megan is dumb

I'm at work today and my phone rings. It's Megan. "Hey, did you send me that email about updog?"

"Huh?" I said and she repeated the question.

"Updog?" I said.

"Augh! You ruined it!" she said. I heard snickering in the background. "You're supposed to say 'What's updog'... Get it? 'What's up, dog?!' Ahahaha!"

"Where did you get that?" I asked.

"Off TV. It didn't work on my boss either. I'm upset you ruined it."

"Do you want to call me back and try again?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'll call you back."

She never did. She's a dork. Now I'm going to go try that on my coworker. Dorkiness must run strong in our family.

The iTunes Meme

Mr. Gilby specifically requested I complete this meme, and who am I to disappoint the steller Mr. Gilby? No, not I. So for those of you fascinated by my musical tastes, you will find what interests you below.

Total number of tracks: 856
Sort by song title:
* First Song: 18 and Life - Skid Row, Skid Row
* Last Song: Your Winter - Sister Hazel, Fortress

Sort by time:
* Shortest Song: Vincent of Jersey, Big Head Todd and the Monsters, Live
Monsters 1:07
* Longest Song: Anna Begins - Counting Crows, Across the Wire 13:55

Sort by album:
* First Song: I Almost Forgot - Matthew Sweet, 100% Fun
* Last Song: Take It To The Floor - B2K, You Got Served

Top 10 Most Played Songs:
1. Fair - Remy Zero
2. Jolene - Ray LaMontagne
3. Falling For You - Jem
4. Refuge (When It's Cold Outside) - John Legend
5. I Close My Eyes - Shivaree
6. Sleeping With The Lights On - Teitur
7. Only One - Yellowcard
8. Show Me How To Live - Audioslave
9. Falls On Me - Fuel
10. Forget Her - Jeff Buckley

First five songs that come up on Party Shuffle:
1. Everything Reminds Me of Her - Elliot Smith
2. What a Little Moonlight - Billie Holliday
3. I Stand for You - Tree63
4. It Doesn't Matter - Alison Krauss
5. I Can't Get Over You - Julie Roberts

Search for:
"sex", how many songs come up?: 0
"love", how many songs come up?: 51
"you", how many songs come up?: 111
"death", how many songs come up?: 0
"hate", how many songs come up?: 2
"wish" how many songs come up? 2

Dog whispering

My dog Zeke desperately needs a dog whisperer to calm his doggie nerves. He emptied about two days worth of pee on the floor this weekend even though his doggie door was right there in front of him. I'm not sure what his problem is. Perhaps he was scared of the hurricane-force winds we had on Saturday.

One instrument you can't take on a plane

My dad loves music and is into all sorts of different musical instruments. If you asked him about it, he'd tell you that, yes, he plays lots of music instruments, however poorly. He owns a guitar, a violin -- no, I'm sorry, a FIDDLE -- a banjo, a recorder, a psaltry, and an autoharp. I'm probably forgetting something. His most recent acquisition is a musical saw. That's right. A SAW.

An what's fascinating is that there is a wealth of information about saw-playing on the Internet. Dad pulled it out of the box a few nights ago and tried his hand at it... It sounds a lot like squealing brakes. And the longer he practiced, the more I wanted to die. I eventually retreated to my room and closed the door. And when that didn't stifle the noise, I dug out the ol' iPod.

Knowing my father, I'm sure he'll practice until he sounds decent on it and eventually give it up for something more exotic. But in the meantime, I'm terrified he'll try to bring it out for entertainment purposes. I'm waiting for him to bring it to church and volunteer to play it during the offering.

Weird? Possibly. No one else has a father who plays a sharp tool as an instrument. Unique? Yes. I've learned to embrace the uniqueness. It's one of the many qualities that I love about my dad. Has has all sorts of interesting hobbies that make him an interesting person. And it's always something new.

'Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious!'

I have a crush on this new guy Andy Samburg from Saturday Night Live. Oh? You don't know who I'm talking about? Catch him in the funniest sketch SNL's put out in a long time. Very Beastie Boys. I love it.

"You can call us Aaron Burr from the way we're droppin' Hamiltons..."

'Crack Addiction: The Gentle Art of Mooning'

Here in Maryland, a judge just ruled that the act of mooning is not considered indecent exposure and therefore not illegal.

Are Free Staters free to moon anybody, anytime? Will FedEx Field fill with burgundy and gold crescents beaming down the next time the Cowboys are in town? Will there be full moons all over College Park every night there's a basketball game with Duke? On the annual lobby day in Annapolis, when the masses come to petition the legislature for their favorite causes, will they dispense with the formalities and just drop their pants? Can citizens moon judges, police officers, the governor?

This makes Maryland the place to be. Maryland: Where Butts Abound. Where's m'thong? Pressed ham for everyone!

Y'all are just lucky I'm sitting down.

P. Swayze

What's this about Patrick Swayze putting out rap? K. Fed has apparently given inspiration and hope to all. When I heard the news, I serenaded Beverly this morning with my version of "She's Like the Wind." It's too bad I don't know all the words. When he gets into his rap career, I really hope he does a remake of that song. I know what you'll be getting next year for Christmas...

Gone to Hell in a handbasket

Apparently they don't package LifeSavers in any kind of order according to fruit anymore. It kind of makes me angry because sometimes I end up with 4 red ones and only two green. If I wanted that kind of instability and chaos in a candy, I'd purchase Skittles. And I'm not comfortable with their new flavors. Grape LifeSavers don't work for me. I may have to stop buying them. ...Oh, that's right, they were Christmas stocking stuffers. Well, I'm not amused.

'Can't Get You Off My Mind'

I'd like to take this moment to publicly blame Reb for the Lenny Kravitz song that has been stuck in my head for the past three days. I'm sure everyone I know would like to thank her for that thoughtful Christmas gift as well. I've been sharing the music vocally.

Turn More Tricks in 2006

It's motto time! I need some ideas for my 2006 year motto.

Having Fun in 2001
Staying True in 2002
Brand New Me in 2003
Dress Like a Whore in 2004
Striving to Survive 2005

Gettin' My Fix in 2006?
Avoid Zeke's Ticks in 2006?
Infiltrate More Cliques in 2006?
Use Better Graphics in 2006?

Happy New Year!

2006 is upon us! A new year requires something new here at Allisonlives.com. I love this website and feel that I'm a better writer and designer because of it. But I'm also tired of it. So I'm trying something new. Rather than closing up shop altogether (I would hate that and would miss it terribly), I've decided to take on a few tenents. Collaborators. That takes some of the pressure off me. It's self-applied pressure. You other bloggers know what I'm talking about. Having a few additional posters will make it easier for me not to feel like I have to write daily. It won't be only me trying to carry this website.

I asked Steph and Megan about helping me out with it over the Christmas holiday. Steph was on board and even pursuaded me to stick with the domain name when I mentioned changing it. Megan was less excited but stopped short of saying "Hell, no." So I'm taking that as an "Absolutely, I'm in" and plan on guilting her into writing something occasionally. She's hilarious. I didn't get the opportunity to ask my other sister Rebecca but I'm also including her and hope she writes something about homeless people or the dangers of biking around Philadelphia.

So there you have it. I have no doubt that the additions will do nothing but boost the quality of this website. You'll likely see me adding things and removing others in the next few weeks. Just warning you. Happy New Year from all of us at Allisonlives.