What big plans, big liar?

I can't begin to express my excitement over the upcoming THREE-DAY WEEKEND. THREE DAYS! It's very exciting. And very deserving of ALL-CAPS.

Alright, I know I said I had big plans coming for this site. My "big plans" may be taking a vacation from it for awhile. I've been doing a pathetic job at keeping it up lately. I don't need anyone to point that little fact out to me. It's not that I don't have anything to post anymore... I do. I have a lot to say. The trouble is finding the time to write. And there are other factors involved as well.

I'm not giving it up for good. I'm eventually switching domain names. I just need to find a big chunk of time to dedicate to this project. And my hosting site has been no help at all. Eh. Just stick with me for a little while. I'll still be here for a bit.

So my animal-loving coworker gave me a calendar at the beginning of this year. I'm not sure a wall calendar is very usefully to me, especially perched over my desk because I can't ever reach it to turn the page to a new month. So I'm usually about two months behind until someone takes pity on me and flips it. Being two months off bothers my coworkers more than me. No, what bothers ME is this calendar from the IFAW Animal Sanctuary Campaign. It's bringing me down. Every new month has an adorable animal and mini-lecture on it. "Spay and neuter your dogs!" and "Outlaw the rampant trade of exotic animal!" I feel like I'm personally responsible for the suffering of birds, primates, and infant wildlife! I hate it. It's not that I disagree. I don't hate the animals. I just don't want to be reminded of it every time I glance at the wall. Where's Dilbert when you need him?

I miss you!

Ugh. It's that time of year again when the wasp start crawling in my window at work. I am lamenting the absence of Adam the Intern, Bug Squasher. I don't like it at all. I don't think the new intern will be up to the killing challenge.

Side Note to Adam: I saw the preview for Day Watch!

Weekend Update

The weekend was great! I have a few photos as promised. Unfortunately, none of the naked campfire dancing came out very well so... maybe next year. Just so you know, naked campfire dancing is highly over-rated. Steph and Vince brought Kate and she pretty much made the schedule for the weekend. Can you say spoiled? Grandma can.

Rebecca and Megan showed up and the festivities began. I think it's funny that they pulled up to a campground looking like a couple of models. They have way more fashion sense than I do, but not common sense. Ha. The first thing we did -- search for non-meat products for the campfire. Rebecca managed to find some Smart Dogs at the local Weiss (which she later told us tasted a lot like the sole of a shoe). Then we were off to Mt. Hope Winery to stock up on wine. We managed to find a gas station that sold firewood and bought a few bundles. Not 20 minutes later, the heavens opened and it rained for the rest of the night.

Real campers don't let a little rain slow them down. We are not real campers. We sat in my van for an hour and a half trying to figure out how to have a campfire without disturbing Kate and without sitting in the rain. We finally decided to ditch Vince and Kate and have the fire close enough to my parents' awning where we could have some shelter but still roast hot dogs. Brilliant.

Overall, the weekend was highly enjoyable. It's difficult to get everyone together these days so, when we can, it's always a good time.

Happy Mother's Day

It's that time of year again! Time for the Mothers Day Campout in beautiful Lancaster, PA! This year will feature Steph and Vince, Megan, Rebecca, Mom, Dad, and of course me and the fiance. We will be visiting wineries, eating homemade ice cream, and dancing naked around the camp fire. If you're lucky, I'll have pictures next week. And really, who doesn't want to see pictures of naked camp fire dancing?

But they make me taller

See? High heels are EVIL.

Update...kind of

For the past week, I have been insanely busy with all the things that go along with being the Maid-of-Honor in my best friend from high school's wedding. I've been frantically shopping for shoes, preparing a toast, rehearsing, primping, and all that crap. Nichole's wedding was Friday evening at 6 p.m. and we couldn't have asked for better weather. The wedding was held at The Cloisters in Baltimore, a stunning location, full of fantastic settings for tons of photos. Check out the slide show if you're interested.

So the big news...

I'm engaged. :)

I'll have to fill you in later. A change for this site is in the works.

Kate likes dog food... pass it on!

Training with the Feds

I've been taking a training class on administering Microsoft Office SharePoint Server all week long. I figured it would be a good career move, especially if I can manage to get certified in it, and my company offered to pay the ridiculous amount for it. Unfortunately, it has not been the best learning experience for me so far. I like the instructor and think he knows more in his pinky than I will ever learn in my lifetime. But my classmates are more on the beginner level.

On a positive note:
I have learned a few things I can take back with me.
I eavesdropped on a fascinating discussion about spoiling children.
I've eaten some very good sandwiches for lunch.
I'm missing work all week.
I sit in the back so I can watch other people without notice.

Unfortunately...
I sit in the back so I'm blind without my glasses.
I have to beg people to open the building's heavy doors for me.
I've been kind of bored.
I'm the only one that doesn't work for the FBI so I don't know anyone...and FBI employees in general are not very friendly.

Stinkin' FBI.

It's only Wednesday though and I'm sure the class will pick up soon.

Bleh

I hate malt balls. They are disgusting. Every year I think I'll bite into one and actually enjoy it and every year I'm disappointed. But that doesn't stop me from eating two or three and then I loathe myself. It's almost as if I think I'll discover I love them with the second bite or third malt ball. I'm hopeful. But it's no use. Next year someone remind me that I hate them.

I hate Blink 182 as well. Apparently much more than I hate malt balls.

Happy Easter!

So the White House has unveiled it's 2007 Easter Egg Collection, a collection of 50 eggs (one from each state) painted by regional artists. They got nothin' on the 2007 Barnes Collection. Megan finally made it home from her South American excursion (sky-diving DVD in hand) in time to help us color eggs. It's a family tradition in our house. We don't have tons of family traditions, but the few we have involve decorating food items.

Every year, whoever is around gets together and competes for Best Egg. In the past, we've had some great eggs. Rebecca started a tie-dying trend and Dad always creates a self-portrait egg. I generally stick with my scribble technique. My egg ideas are always best implemented by other people. This year, we had mostly theme eggs. You'll see some of the best below:

Notice the Rebecca Tribute Egg (tie-dyed), the Earth Egg, the Camo Egg, and my finest work -- the Hell Fire and Damnation Egg. Mom tried to put a cross sticker on my Hell Egg to sanctify it but I would hear nothing of it. I think I have a Scribble Egg in there somewhere.

Unfortunately, Mom left that whole basket of eggs out for three days now so I'm not eating any of those. She swears they're fine to eat but I think she's nuts. I'm just glad I have photographic evidence of which ones have the Egg Rot.

Question

Is it okay to dump the cruddy remains of my tea into my plant? You know, the sediment from the tea bag? Will it kill it or is it similar enough to water?

Enough already, cellphone gods!

I'm not a frequent text-messager, but at times I do text a few people. It's not included in my phone plan so I don't send many messages. And I'm REALLY slow when I do compose one. Most often I text back and forth with my coworker Mike. A few weeks ago I sent him a text message telling him I spilled Listerene on myself that morning. His response to me: "Normally you smell like cornchips, so at least this is different." Funny at the time. But something is either all messed up with his phone or mine because, for the past few weeks, I've received this text message repeatedly at the strangest times. One time, I got it 7 times in a row. I called him and told him he could stop sending it. It wasn't funny any more. But he said it wasn't him.

So I'm getting a complex. I feel like I smell like Fritos because I get this stupid message on my cellphone at all hours. If I'm going to repetitively get a text message, I'd prefer it to be something uplifting... not having anything to do with the stink of corn chips.

Return to reality

So Rebecca, Steph and Vince came back from Hawaii with lots of pictures, most of Kate but a few of Vince looking very drunk. I'm looking forward to hearing all about their trip. Megan comes back from her South America excursion on April 2. She's wandered everywhere including Uraguay, Brazil, Argentina... I don't care about pictures. I'm hoping she comes back with something authetic, like tribal scars or a bone through the nose because, didn't you know?... Everyone from South America lives in tribe-like camps in tents and drinks hard alcohol made from chewed corn. I can't wait.

On tea

So I've successfully lowered the amount of caffeine I drink daily after I realized how terrible it is for your bones. Don't believe me? Google caffeine and bones. I have bad enough bone density since I don't do a lot of weight-bearing so I figured the last thing my poor bones need is my daily coffee fix.

So I've been trying to drink a lot more tea. True, some tea still contains caffeine, but it's significantly less than coffee. I've discovered I really like tea. And the good thing about it is that, like coffee, it drive my dentist nuts. So I don't have to lose one of my greatest pleasures in life: attempting to cause my dentist as much pain as he's caused me. My favorite teas are the ones that truly taste like tea is supposed to taste: black tea, green tea...

The tea I do not enjoy:
Rose tea
Vanilla tea
Pomegranate green tea
Peppermint tea

My favorites:
Apple green tea
Honeybush caramel tea
English breakfast tea
Peach ginger tea
Chamomile tea

I really like Chai too, but I recently picked up some Tazo Chai and it's the most potent tea I've ever had. Almost as strong as coffee. And usually I enjoy my tea strong with flavor, but this stuff I steep for about 5 seconds. Any longer and it's wretched.

I think Tazo is weird anyway. Here's what it says on the back of the box:
"When the spirit of a village started to fall and people lost their enthusiasm for life, the leader would often summon a tea shaman to distribute Tazo, which gave the community a renewed sense of joy."

Crazy talk. This Chai makes me feel a lot of things but a "renewed sense of joy" is not one.

On the road

Steph, Vince, and Rebecca are in Hawaii right now and Megan has been in South America for 2-1/2 months. I'm feeling deprived! I need travel!

Free tickets?

Ha! I'll tell you exactly why Universal Studios is giving away free tickets to see The Peaceful Warrior. It's because the movie sucks! Well, I can't say that. To be fair, I haven't seen the movie. But the book sucks! I started reading it about two years ago, and still haven't finished it. I just can't do it. It's awful. The story line is weird, but worse, the writing is terrible. It's almost like a 6th grader wrote it. Eh. Maybe the movie will be much better. I'll probably add it to my Netflix queue so I can see how it ends.

Do Not Watch

I do the whole Netflix thing and couldn't be happier about it. Blockbuster sucks. The problem is that my turn-over time for movies is really bad. It didn't used to be. I'm on the three-movies-at-a-time plan and should probably drop down to one. I put the movie Hostage on my list well over two months ago and just watched it last night. If you weren't aware, Hostage stars Bruce Willis as a hostage negotiator and is REALLY bad. Really. I'm not joking.

A good friend of mine scoffed at me when I told him I rented it. He said that I should just know that, with certain actors, the movie is going to blow regarless of what the movie is about. He said he doesn't watch anything with Bruce Willis, Jean-Claude Van Damm, Steven Seagal, Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee Jones... He just knows better.

So my question to you... Are there actors like that on your Do Not Watch List?

And knowing is half the battle

So, while perusing some of my older entries, it really hit me how bad I've been sucking here recently. I've been really lazy. My older stuff was great! What happened?! Well, things probably aren't going to improve much in the near future, but at least I realize now how bad I suck. Actually, that's not a new development... I've always known deep down. Ha!

Steph came down with Kate last night so I'll try to snag a few pics for you faithful few who are hanging in there.

I'm so helpful

Common-sense resume tips for students applying for internships:

1. Never underestimate the importance of a well-crafted resume. Your resume is the first (and sometimes only) impression you give. If words are misspelled, you look sloppy. And nobody wants a sloppy intern. You may think you're a lot better than your resume shows, but you may never get the opportunity to prove it. A good resume gets your foot in the door.

2. At least attempt to list work experiences that have something to do with the job you're applying for. Perhaps you'll find it helpful to have your objective listed at the top of the page. If you're applying for an engineering internship, please do not list your experience working in your church nursery. Although admirable, it will not convince others you can program web applications. Listing non-applicable work experiences only cheapen the applicable work experiences. Really, if you want a job answering phones, list your experience with last summer's job answering phones.

3. Along those same line, emphasize the crap out of the applicable job experiences you've had. Don't simply list what job title you had, tell us what you did in the most detail you can squeeze out. That doesn't mean write a book. It means that employers don't care if you only have two jobs listed as long as they show you have something to offer them.

4. Never list a breakdown of the Microsoft Office package as your computer skills. NEVER. Everyone who owns a computer knows Microsoft Internet Explorer and Word. It's a waste of space and makes you look stupid. If you've got no other skills, I suppose you can simply list "MS Office." But if you list experience with C++ or Jave, try to figure out programs you've used those with.

5. You may want to consider listing the classes you're taking that apply to the job. Just because you've taken one class in Introductory Programming doesn't mean you know Java. It's best to be honest about your skill level because it's better not to get hired than to get hired and then fired for knowing nothing.

I wish I got a buttery refund

Being the mostly-awesome friend I am, I am officially directing you to go watch Mr. Russell Dale in his entry for the H&R Block TaxCut Online "Me & My Super Sweet Refund Video Contest" and vote for him. Why? Because his is far superior to the other crap that was filmed. And I know this because I wasted a good 30 minutes trying to find another video remotely comparable. It's not just because I'm friends with RAD, people. Truthfully, there is some stanky crap out there.

See for yourself. Watch "My Buttery Refund" here and vote.

Rehab

It's becoming very fashionable to go to rehab. I want to go to rehab now, but first, I have to do something that seems crazy. Shaving the head has been done. So has copious amounts of alcohol and car accidents. Crotch shots? Done. I don't really want to endanger anyone else. But if Michael Richards can go for using the N-word and Whichever-Twin Olsen can go for anorexia, I should be able to figure out something. Maybe I can go for overeating. That'd be perfect.

Or maybe I'd just get stuck in Fat Camp. Bad idea.

Katherine the Great

How cute is my niece Kate? And I bought her that outfit for Christmas. I love it! She looks very sporty.

Evil

I'm pretty certain one of the cruelest things to do to your coworkers is burn popcorn in the kitchen microwave.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What my car used to look like

I love this story out of Florida. It's so filthy disgusting:

Mountains of trash stuffed inside a woman's car in Cape Cod, Mass., caused the car to accelerate and crash, according to police.

Police in West Yarmouth said there was so much trash in 53-year-old Ann Ann Biglan's Ford Focus that some of it fell onto the gas and brake pedals, causing her to lose control.

While losing control, Biglan drove through a post office parking space, over the curb and across a freeway.

She then hit a Ford Explorer and backed over another sidewalk before finally crashing into a flowerpot in a gas station's parking lot.

Biglan was charged with negligent and impeded operation of a motor vehicle, failure to use care in backing, and operating with a rejected safety inspection sticker.

Awesome

I really like that I'm beginning to get comment spam from Elvis Presley. Even if it is from beyond the grave. I hope my next dead celebrity spammer is Anna Nicole Smith.

Satellite

For Christmas this year, I was given XM radio. I had no idea what I was missing! I haven't listened to my poor iPod in over a week. Now I have an unlimited stream of commercial-free music keeping me company. It's all I listen to at work. My favorite channels: Ethel (alternative hits), XM Cafe, and of course the 80s and 90s stations. I have experimented around with other channels as well. My coworkers have on occasion caught me listening to the dance/techno channel. The faster paced the music, the more productive I am.

Dental woes

I've always been a big proponent of oral hygiene. It's a necessity. Not only are cavities painful, you will get no lovin' if your breath stinks. Ever since I was in high school, I've been fanatical about keeping my teeth and mouth in mint condition. I wasn't one of those crazy people who can found in the bathroom after lunch bent over the sink brushing. No, those people have gone overboard. But I was a floss-carrier and didn't hesitate to use it.

My relationship with the dentist began when I was 5 or so, and I had a dentist named Doctor Dixie. I never minded going to see him, but I remember very little besides his name and how it reminded me of a Dixie cup. Dixie cups and Mason jars. The things we remember...

My real pain began in junior high when I realized my teeth were screwed up. They were so screwed up, I had teeth growing every which way. I don't really remember getting teesed about my fugly mouth. The way I see it, my classmates missed a golden opportunity because I sure would've ridiculed me. And so began the extractions, metal appliances to stretch my mouth, and eventually braces. Thousands of dollars later, my teeth were nearly perfect, the only flaw being where my orthodontist pulled one of my teeth down from the roof of my mouth 180-degrees backwards. So I look a little vampirish on one side. Overall, they looked great. Until my car accident. One lost tooth and a bridge later, they still look pretty good.

So I'm just a little obsessed with taking care of my investment. I visit my dentist regularly for routine cleaning and check-ups. My last check-up was scheduled back in autumn, however the office called me to reschedule at the last minute. They canceled on me. Now, as much as I think oral hygiene is essential, I loathe the appointments. Not only are they almost always torturous, they're inconvenient as well. I have to take time off work. I have to move from my wheelchair to the dentist's chair. It's just not fun. So when they canceled on me, I was relieved. The problem is that I'm now being harassed to make another appointment. For a while it was a voice mail every now and then, reminding me to call the office. I didn't. Then I started getting letters. The last was from the dentist himself, explaining that people who miss their 6-month check-ups have more problems with cavities and gum disease. I consider that a scare tactic. I don't like it at all. What's next? Blackmail? And I was about to reschedule. Now, it's a stand-off. They canceled in the first place!

How long can I hold out? I don't know. Eventually I'll reschedule. And I should do it before I get a cavity. The last thing I need is my dentist saying I told you so.

Quick poll: How many of you see the dentist on a 6-month basis? How many cavities do you have? Do you think it's necessary? Are your teeth black and falling out? Does your breath stink? Do you brush your tongue?

Weekend Review

Steph, Vince, and the adorable Kate came down for a quick visit. Family time is good, but the real reason for the visit was to attend the Wine and Chocolate Dessert Extravaganza in honor of Kim's birthday. More on that later. But first, pictures!

Proof that I'm the favorite aunt. We are pretty in pink. She's trying to dress like me already. She loves me! Look at her. She's practically falling all over me. She can't get enough!

And here's mom.

But my favorite picture is dad! Vince has such nice teeth. His teeth...possibly one of his finest features. By the way, the full-sized version is now my new desktop wallpaper. It's sort of like Vince is looking directly at me though my monitor. Sometimes I minimize all my application so I can look at his smiling face.

A few months ago, when Kim, her mom, and I were at the winery, we tried several wines that went deliciously with chocolate. Kim could barely contain herself at the thought of the chocolate and wine combo. So being the awesome friend I am, I hosted her Chocolate and Wine party for her birthday.

I can't figure out why nobody is smiling... I was smiling.

With all this food and booze, how could you not smile? (click to enlarge)

I provided the wine: Raspberry and Steeple Chase Red, and asked everyone to bring a chocolate dessert. We had truffles, chocolate-covered shortbread cookies, chocolate pudding cake and ice cream, chocolate and cream cheese cupcakes, chocolate-peanut butter cake, pound cake with chocolate sauce, french silk pie, and a few other desserts we didn't even cut into to. Waaaaaay to much food on hand.

Probably didn't know this about Allison

I ran across this little meme on Big J's site and, since I've been a slacker for over a week now, I thought I'd give it a whirl.

-----------------------------------------

Allison was born on the tenth of October 1808 in Madison county Kentucky.

Allison grew up in the South. She was the designated dishwasher during her early years, since she even burned Pop Tarts.

Allison likes to dance. When she dances, the bunnies are compelled to dance.

Allison hates you for not using the fabric softener with the bear on it.

Allison spends most of her time asleep.

Allison eats a worm.

Allison wonders if seeing "the ring" has had a long-term affect on her brain and will haunt her forever.

Allison's favorite food is... (Apparently I don't have a favorite food.)

Allison's hair is now a jagged bob with a side part and shattered look.

Allison likes to wear shiny pants when she's drunk; she's crazy like a fox. (Tough choice here... They were all good.)

Allison has traveled to places such as Australia and Japan and is amazed at how easily his music translates...

Allison works closely with your internal team to understand the company’s business.

Allison has decided to have a total hysterectomy and have her right breast removed as a preventative measure because she tested positive for the BRCA1 gene.

Allison cries out, "Without my BrazenTec 3000, I'll never make it!"

Allison is happy to advise on most cat and dog behavioural problems including house soiling, aggression, phobias, anxiety and excessive barking.

Now with less tobacco

The company I work for just decided that, beginning January 1, all locations would be tobacco-free. This means no smoking anywhere on company property. The company has always encouraged smokers to smoke around the back of the building away from customers and vendors. A smoking shack was even erected to provide shelter for smokers in the case of wind or rain. But now, the smoking shack has been taken down and donated.

The company has encouraged smokers to take advantage of their Stop Smoking initiatives. Instead, smokers now walk off the property and light up. This amuses me to no end because I sit on the second floor near a big window. And every day, I see the smokers climb the hill and pace up and down the sidewalk out by the road puffing away. Sometimes there is one; sometimes it's a whole gang of smokers. What I find really funny is when a whole group of them congregate out by the company sign and stand around. Instead of keeping the smokers and their filthy habits out of sight to the public, they are loitering about in a thick cloud out by the corporate logo. It remains to be seen whether they will be allowed to do that. Soon I expect to see them darting across the busy street, like illegal immigrants crossing the border, cigarettes dangling from their lips and lighters in hand.

Happy New Year

This year couldn't end quick enough. I make it sound like it was all bad. It wasn't. I actually made great strides this year in a lot of areas I've been neglecting. I learned techniques for doing some things that have made me more independent. I made some appointments that I'd been needing to make (like seeing a gastroenterologist and getting a bone scan). I also discovered grey hair which was kind of a bummer.

This past year I made allisonlives.com a semi-collaborative blog, which failed miserably. Obviously my collaborators are not dedicated posters. And I have also become a less-than-dedicated poster this year. Despite what you may think, I have not been lazy. "Busy" is the more appropriate, yet overused term. I switched jobs in February and began working a more technical job full-time. I love my job. I have been given an opportunity to do some different things and have been given a lot of freedom and independence. This year was also the first time I've ever had an intern (hi, Adam!) and I enjoyed being able to boss another human being unrelated to me around. My manager gave me a fantastic evaluation this year and I hope I can live up to it in the upcoming year.

Health-wise, this has been a weird year. I started getting weird chest pain in March and, after a few trips to the ER, finally figured out that it is something called costochondritis, a reoccuring inflammation of the cartilage around the ribcage. It sucks. I've also had some ear infections and the typical UTIs. After deciding not to exercise ever again -- or for a while anyway -- the costochondritis has been much better. In fact, I'm tempted to start regular aerobic exercise again. Tempted anyway. I've also had bizarre digestion issues which I've just chalked up to a hot dog that I think got stuck in my gut. My doctor just thinks I'm crazy.

This past year, I've reconnected with a few friends, two of them being ex-boyfriends. I also attended my 10-year class reunion in May and was pleasantly surprised at how painless it was. It was funny to see how all these people I spent 4 those years with turned out.

I became an aunt this year! Kate is doing really well. She is just beginning to get interesting. Much of this year was spent watching Steph's belly grow.

2007 will be an eventful year for me. I know so. I have a few goals...not really resolutions. One of my top priorities for the year (SCI-wise) is to acquire a new wheelchair and standing frame. My current chair is falling into disrepair. I also have a few more goals relating to becoming more independent.

I just want to thank you all for hanging with me this past year and I sincerely hope you all have as good of a new year as I'm planning on having. :)

Merry Christmas

I made out incredibly well this year. So much stuff! I have dog crap on my leg. I watched two Oscar Wilde movies, ate pumpkn pie, played a rowdy game of Pitch with my family, and drank mulled wine. I love Christmas. I hope you all enjoyed your day as much as I have.

I work with a bunch of thieves

When your lunch is in the common work refrigerator, you gotta do what you can to protect it. All it takes is a post-it note with your name on it:

"Touch my sandwich and I break your face"
"I pity the fool who touches my sandwich"
"How would you like a knuckle sandwich?"

Things that make me a weirdo

Tagged by Kim. Six weird things about me:

1. I'm practically obsessed with flossing my teeth and do so as much as possible. I used to carry floss around in my purse. Unfortunately, my obsession does not stop my gums from bleeding out whenever I go to the dentist. There are worse obsessions than dental hygiene.

2. I burp a lot. A LOT. I don't know why, but after I eat, I'll be burping for the next few hours. My digestion is all messed up. My mom says my grandma used to do the same thing. In fact, Grandma once told me that's why she drank a can of Coors Original every night. It helped her burp. I always thought that was a great excuse for drinking. So great, I use it myself now.

3. I hate crickets and grasshoppers. Grasshoppers are particularly hated. I'm pretty sure this stems back to when I was 4 or 5 years old and living in a trailer in Parker, Colorado. We were staying there until our house was built. We had to use a porta-potty that was across a big field. I clearly remember standing at the edge of the field, preparing myself for the horror I had to face. I'd take off sprinting across the field, dodging the flying grasshopper missiles left and right. Grasshoppers everywhere! ...jumping in my hair, hitting me in the face... I ran through that field like it was a war zone. That red porta-potty was like my bunker. But alas! They were in the porta-potty, too. No place is safe from the grasshopper!

4. Whenever I'm thinking hard about something (mostly when I'm at work), I subconsciously make this quiet, chugging noise, like "Chucachucachucachuca..." or "Er-eee-er-eee-er-eee..." I don't always notice I'm doing it until someone points it out. I'm sure it's annoying. I think I got it from my dad. He talks to himself.

Hmmm. I can't think of any more. That must be it. Those are the only things that make me weird. I'm one of the most normal people you'll ever meet.

Eight

Do you ever think about what your life would look like as a movie? I was thinking about that in the shower this morning. I do my best thinking in the shower, so of course my movie life was wildly exciting. It was only after I got out that I realized my movie would be less of a blockbuster action movie and more of a slow, character-development type like one of those foreign movies where the actors are ugly and there's no real resolution to it. In my movie life, Renee Zellweger would play me, only it would be the chubby Renee with the chubby cheeks. She would have to put on about 20 or 30 pounds for the role like she did for Bridget Jones' Diary.

I was thinking about my movie partly because today is my eighth anniversary of my car accident that paralyzed me. Every year on this day I'm in the habit of glancing at the clock and thinking about where I was at exactly that time on the day of my accident:
6:30 a.m. - Driving through the misty San Luis Valley
7:30 a.m. - Walked into 7-11 in Walsenburg to get coffee and cigarettes
7:40 a.m. - Put my seatbelt back on
8:25 a.m. - Sliding toward the side of the road, rolling... rolling...

It's the same every year, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I always watch the clock. Years ago, I naively thought that, after a certain point, it would get easier... That Year 8 or Year 12 would turn into just another day. But paralysis' plan of attack is to constantly remind you of your limitations. There is no 'moving on' when you can't ever reach the plates on the top shelf and can't get in your best friend's house because there are stairs.

My movie will open in the basement of my cousin's house because all good movies need proper foreshadowing. I'm in the basement with my cousin and I see an old wheelchair in the corner. I sit in it, attempt to wheel myself around, and give up exclaiming that I could never be in a wheelchair. Too much work, I say. What a perfect opening scene! And my movie begins, irony and all. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs! And with that, the opening credits roll.

My movie will have a large cast, complete with evil characters. If I'm not really insistent on sticking to the facts, I could cast Gary Oldman as a lunatic who is trying to kill me. I'd prefer to keep it somewhat true to form though. Hmmm...I may need help with my cast.

Eight years is a long time. But out of all the years, this past one has been the most productive for me. I've learned how to do a few things that have made me less dependent on others. I haven't figured out the middle or a good ending for my movie yet. But if it's truly like a foreign film, it can just stop abruptly anywhere in the story. But I'm sure it will be a happy ending of sorts. I'm open to suggestion.

UPDATE - I never expect others to remember this date, not even my friend who was driving. It's a personal thing, one that I don't discuss much with others. But every year, my father, without fail, buys me a big bouquet of flowers. We never talk about it, but it's nice to know that someone else thinks about it, too.

~December 20, 1998~

More...
Seven
Six

Frosty no more

MAJOR NEWS ALERT! Frosty the Snowman Takes Severe Christmas Beating By Vandals! Normally, I wouldn't be one to condone this ridiculous (although very funny) behavior...by grown men at that! But I'm all for the vandals in this case. Of course, destroying another man's private property... Eh. Not advisable. But one thing I loathe at Christmas -- the inflatable and plastic lawn crap people put out in their yard. I'm all about the lights. I LOVE the lights! But why...WHY...the crap in the yard?! The worst offender by far is the inflatable snow globe.

So would I take a screwdriver and beat down Frosty? Um...probably not. I don't have the nerve to do that. But the thought certainly crosses my mind this time of year.

See the video here. Call me a cold, heartless grinch, but I can't help laughing at the 5-second clip. They stabbed him in the head!

4 years of magnets

2005 - Definitely my most creative attempt. After finding pictures from the movie Elf, I knew what I had to do. And afterward, I couldn't stop laughing every time I looked at it. It still makes me laugh. And I love that I put Zeke in the picture.

2004 - I like the color in this one. But my favorite is the "Ho, ho, ho!"

2003 - This was my first magnet. I thought the picture was so silly I had to share it. What's not to love about a grass reindeer standing on top of a 5-pound box of chocolate. With a 4-pack of mini white merlot bottles in the foreground. There's a white-trash quality about it. I had to share.

Stay tuned for the best yet in 2007.

Right-side up

2006 Magnet

More so than any other year, I am hopelessly behind in all Christmas activities. Maybe it's the warm weather or maybe I'm preoccupied with other things. Whatever the reason, I'll be fortunate to get all my Christmas shopping completed before the 25th. This is my favorite time of year, so I'm trying to enjoy it and not stress out about it.

I called Steph today and she told me that she had received my annual Christmas magnet in the mail and that it was on her refrigerator. She said I'm posing like a magazine model. "What?" I said. "Upside-down?" She started laughing and went to the refrigerator to turn it over. Yeah. Apparently, it's not obvious that I'm supposed to be hanging upside-down with lights strung around me. I thought the hanging scarf and the '2006' were dead give-aways, but obviously my magnet recipients are slower than I give them credit for. Come on, people! I knew I should've put 'Merry Christmas' across the bottom! If you want a magnet and didn't get one in the mail from me, email me. It's your lucky day. I've got extras. And they're collector's items. Bet you didn't know that.

Evidence of Christmas

Sure enough. It's that time of year again when the neighbors across the street set up their Christmas display. And by display, I mean what their lawn vomitted up overnight. It's amazing. I'll see if I can sneak a photo.

*UPDATE*
Alright, here's a photo of the neighbor's house. See how their display keeps going and going? It's amazing. And don't even think that's all of it. There are a few pictures here and here of the other side of the house.

And, yeah, I wrote about their house last year, too. See that here.

Ho, ho, ho!

So it's December 1. I should be sending out Christmas cards and buying gifts, but I just can't seem to get into the spirit because IT'S 70 DEGREES OUTSIDE. 70 degrees and raining. How miserable. The good news is that I've got my annual Christmas magnets finished. I know you are all excited! If you get a Christmas card from me, be expecting a magnet! It's not quite as good as last year's, but it's still fun.

Tagged by the RADHOLE

A - Available/Single? Hmmm. Depends who's asking.
B - Best Friend? Kim, Erin, Beverly, Mike
C - Cake or Pie? Pie, of course. PIE!
D - Drink Of Choice? I'm a big fan of water.
E - Essential Item You Use Everyday? My hair dryer.
F - Favorite Color? Green
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? Gummy Bears
H - Hometown? Bowie, MD
I - Indulgence? Vanilla Lattes and donuts.
J - January Or February? February
K - Kids & Their Names? N/A
L - Life Is Incomplete Without? Electricity
M - Marriage Date? 07-07-07 ahahaha!
N - Number Of Siblings? Three
O - Oranges Or Apples? I like them both.
P - Phobias/Fears? That my quality of life will eventually decline.
Q - Favorite Quote? Just about everything my friend Mike says.
R - Reason to Smile? Sunshine
S - Season? Fall and Winter
T - Tag Three People? No.
U - Unknown Fact About Me? I have webbed toes.
V - Vegetable you don’t like? Lima beans
W - Worst Habit? Procrastination
X - X-rays You’ve Had? Hmmm. On my spine, my leg, my left foot, and my abdominal area.
Y - Your Favorite Food? I love food. Pasta! Bread! Salmon! Wine! Steak!
Z - Zodiac Sign? Cancer

Giving thanks

I'm very excited about my new niece and figure I have about five years to secure my position as Favorite Aunt. I'm beginning to scheme how this will play out already. I feel like I know Rebecca and Megan's weaknesses fairly well. I'm only worried about my competition from the Latchford Twins. I have to figure out a way to undermind them. I'm not beneath fighting dirty. I will spread lies. I will slander and bribe.

If you ask me, the timing of the birth couldn't have been better. I was already planning to spend Thanksgiving in Philadelphia with Vince and Steph, so it was a pleasant surprise to have the addition of Katherine. As far as her name goes, I'm having difficulty calling her Katherine. It's so formal. There are many possibilities as far as nicknames go: Kathy, Katie, Kate, Kay, and Vince's favorite -- Special K -- but I think I'll stick with Kat. I don't care if she hates it.

So my first order of business with Kat will be to tell her stories about things her mom did when she was little, like in second grade when she got us in trouble for making fun of Nathan Hatfield's last name or having to go to the ER for slamming her ear in a door.

Thanksgiving was great as usual. Mom hauled the good part of a grocery store with her up to Philly. She sent all the vegetarian stuffing home with Rebecca. Megan tried to take the fake mashed potatos home with her even though she had a box of potato buds sitting in her kitchen. Lazy. Rebecca pulled out about 13 rolls of photos from her organic farming tour of Europe. Megan tried to enact drawing names for Christmas gifts this year by claiming the family was growing while she is below the poverty line.

I can't wait to do it all again for Christmas.

Aunt Allie

Meet Katherine Elaine Latchford. She was born on Tuesday night around 9:30 p.m. She weighs 7 lbs. 2 oz. and is a tall 20 inches. She is a beautiful baby... I don't even have to lie about it. I am so proud of Steph and Vince for doing such a remarkable job. Go Team Latchford!

The Girl Scouts are making me fat

I'm pissed off about these Girl Scouts and their cookie peddling at every store front. I haven't tried every kind of cookie, but I've been on a steady diet of Trefoils, Thin Mints (of course), and the peanut butter Do-Si-Dos. If I gain 300 pounds, I'm suing the Girl Scouts.

The TomKat Baby

So today I got an email from my friend Kim that explained what is really going on with the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes alien baby. Kim has thoroughly thought about it, researched it, and collaged it. She is in the know. So without further ado, Kim is in agreement with the following theory:

"So I've been reading up on the rumors about alien baby cruise, and I decided to do a little photo comparison. I attached the collage that I made. I'm starting to buy into the hype that little Suri looks more like Josh Hartnett than any of other recent love affairs. Here's the timeline--she broke her engagement with Chris Klein in early March, was seen galavanting around with Josh Hartnett in early April, and started dating Tom in late April. In October, she starts showing so they have to announce that she's pregnant, BUT she doesn't have the baby until a year later and she was really big for most of her pregnancy, which is surprising given that she is a slight girl. Remember how fake her stomach looked in the later months? What if she got pregnant in April during a tryst with Josh, gave birth in December/January in secret, and then started carrying around some stuffing until April when they decided to stage the birth? This would explain why the birth certificate in April was not legit AND it would explain the pregnancy because Tom is supposedly sterile which is why he never had a natural child before. What do you think? I still can't get on board with the whole story because of how Tom cannot reproduce. But he's always wanted his own child, hence the adoptions in his 1st and 2nd marriage, so here is a good way to fake it. By the way, you know Oprah wasn't invited to the wedding because she said she didn't believe in his sincerity after the couch incident, but Brooke Shileds was invited!"

Now, while all that is good, I have a theory of my own. It's Keanu Reeves' baby! It's so obvious. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull the wool over my eyes. Or you have to have an excellent publicist.

Speaking of alien babies, hopefully I'll be an aunt by this time tomorrow. I'm very excited about the whole thing. Very excited.

Update

Yay! Rebecca's home from her organic farming experience in Europe. Not soon enough if you ask Zeke. Her cat kept bullying him.

More tomorrow. I promise.

Quote of the day!

“[Gay people] are less likely to get into a fight and less likely to date rape people... I’m straight but I’ve grown up around gay people and gay clubs. They our superior to straight people. If you have a gay child you're more inclined to be a prouder parent.”

-Moby

My posts on my medical problems are easily my best

Ear infections suck. First, my ear just hurt a little when I touched it. Then I noticed a decrease in my hearing ability one morning...sort of like a whole cotton ball had been shoved in my ear when I was sleeping. This seriously took a major toll on my likability because, after one asks you to repeat yourself for the 6th time, well... you want to hurt them. People want to hurt me.

Then my head began pounding. After that, it rolled off my neck and down a flight of stairs where I accidently kicked it into a wall. But don't worry. The worst is over now and I feel relatively normal. Now if only I could get rid of the antibiotic's side effects. Hmmm. Would I rather have an ear ache or stomach cramping, irritability, and brick-red stool? It's a toss up.

I can't hear you - Part II

Eh. Only little kids are supposed to get ear infections. Yet for some reason, this is the second time in two years I've gotten one. And I never got them when I was little. Doesn't make a lot of sense. And now I'm really annoying to be around because I can't hear anything and am constantly scrunching my face up yelling "Huh?" or "What?" like an 80-year-old man.

I went to the doctor on Friday and was given a prescription for the diarrhea-inducing antibiotic Omnicef, but couldn't bring myself to start taking it until last night. Kim, her mom, and I had a winery trip planning for Saturday and you're not supposed to mix antibiotics with alcohol so I had to wait to take it. I mean, really. Given the option of canceling my wine-tasting or postponing treatment to make my throbbing ear stop throbbing, I'll choose the latter every time. You see where my priorities lie. The wine wins out hands down. Plus, if you drink enough wine, you stop feeling the throbbing altogether.

Obscene close-up of my profile courtesy of Kim. You can sort of see up my nose.

Leftover candy

So I've been eating leftover Halloween candy, specifically Starbursts and Skittles, and I just have to say I think something fishy is going on with the distribution of flavors. I've expressed my frustration at the randomness of Skittles candy flavors before, but I'm really irritated now. The past two packages of Skittles had not one red one in it, and everyone knows the red ones are the best. Perhaps a strawberry Skittle shortage? And speaking of red ones, I one had a boyfriend who bought two 2 lb. bags of Skittles, separated the red ones, and gave them to me as part of a Valentine's Day gift. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

The Starbursts weren't much better. With two to a pack, you'd think they could manage to pair up something other than the yellows and oranges. Where are all the red and pink ones?! Like I said, something fishy's going on.

To make up for not posting in over a week, here is a link!

I normally don't audibly laugh out loud at stuff like this, but tonight I'm practically rolling on the floor. Okay, not really. But I'm snickering. Giggling.

UPDATE: Here's another similar -- Military Hand Signals.

Woohoo!

It's Fall! Sweater weather! Cool and crisp! Beautiful colors!

I'm very excited. I wasn't sure if you could tell. (Click the big head below for a short slide show.)

Have I mentioned Adam's awesomeness?

I hate when I watch a TV show and have no idea what's going on. I turned on Law and Order: SVU last week and couldn't figure out why Detectives Benson and Stabler weren't partnered together. It was awful... both that I had no idea what was going on and that they weren't partners. They're supposed to be partners!

My only option was to email my awesome ex-intern Adam and beg him to fill me in. Adam keeps up with SVU and also reads all sorts of bizarre fantasy books involving magic, wizards, and sacrificing innocent animals. I made that last one up. I received a full recap from Adam today in which he relayed the tension between the two detectives, using phrases like "their emotions kept getting in the way," and explained that Mariska Hargitay (Benson) is on maternity leave but will be back. He even referred me to the SVU Wikipedia page which has EVERY single detail known to man about the show.

I knew I could count on Adam. Even months after he stopped being my intern, he continues to be very useful. I'm glad I have him in my portfolio of contacts. I never know when I'll need a C# programmer or an SVU recap.

Origins

Zeke has fleas. The heat in my van won't work. And the IRS wants me to pay them $3,000 dollars for screwing up my 2004 taxes. But on a positive nore, I now know the origin of hundreds of rock band's names! Among the fascinating:

THE CRANBERRIES - originally called Cranberries Saw Us ( a joke on Cranberries SAUCE) they changed it to the shorter form later. [LAME]

FAITH NO MORE - named after a race horse they saw listed on a racing form. [Awesome name for a horse.]

OUR LADY PEACE - The band took their unusual name from a 1943 poem by American poet Mark Van Doren. [Awesome band name.]

WEEZER - Band member Rivers Cuomo had the nickname Weezer in school because of a breathing problem.

ZZ TOP - taken from the name of a Texas Blues man ZZ Hill. Though a rumor is that they got their name by combining Zig Zag and Top, two well known brands of "cigarette" rolling papers.

15% Commission

I was checking my email and came across one from Mark who desperately needs my help even though we do not know each other:

"I am Master Mark Bohan, My father was poisoned to death by
his business associates in one of their outings on a business trip.
My mother died just last year.
i want to transfer Eighteen Million,Five
Hundred Thousand USdollars(US$18,500,000)
left in a fixed/ suspense account in one of
the prime banks here in Abidjan..."

Poor Master Mark. Do people fall for these types of emails? I got to give 'em credit though. Throwing in the poisoned father and dead mother makes me feel sorry for the guy. I think I watched some 20/20 special on old people who fall for these scams. They even set up some sort of sting like Dateline does for the child molesters. I'm going to reply to Master Mark and set up my own sting operation. How awesome would that be?

Somebody's getting old

Happy birthday, my darling Megan. You haven't changed a bit.

The Last Knit

This reminds me of Megan, although I believe she's gotten her obsession somewhat under control now.

Via Dooce.

Out-of-control

I have a friend at work whom I really like because he's not afraid to joke with me about wheelchair or disability-related things. And to be honest, there's A LOT of humor there. Most people prefer to play on the safe side. Whether it's the fear of offending or not being politically correct, people don't often feel comfortable teasing me. Well, my friend was in rare form today.

We went next door to the coffee shop and I bought some tea and pastries. On the way back, I was holding my tea and my purse. A man was walking in the building behind us. And just as my friend and I were in the entrance of the building, my purse slipped and, when I suddenly stopped and grabbed it, my tea spilled a bit. The man behind me almost ran into me, and my friend took the opportunity to tell him, "Oh, watch out for her. She loses control sometimes." Thinking he was serious, the man started backing up and went all the way out the door, waiting for me to move on. I just started giggling. I love perpetuating the assumption that people in wheelchairs are not only physically, but mentally challenged. I don't have to try very hard sometimes.

Starting my Christmas List

Gas has to drop below $2 per gallon at some point, right?

Pink and green

My mom threw a baby shower for Stephanie this weekend. A baby shower tea. Tea, as in teapots, china, cucumber sandwiches, and scones. Much more high-class than what I'm used to, but I can adapt to any situation. I draw the line at cutting my chocolate-covered strawberries with a knife and fork though. Since Steph lives in Philly, she doesn't have many close friends in the area, so my mom invited her friends and I invited mine. We had two tables: the old ladies table and the young ladies table. It was genius of my mother to separate us in that way because the conversation at the younger ladies table was less than appropriate for a refined tea-like setting. My friend Nichole told us about her favorite transsexual barista and Megan threatened to rub her conjunctivitis-ridden eyes on us.

Steph made out pretty well for not knowing a lot of the people at her shower. She is looking great. She's not as big as a barn yet, but she's still got 6 weeks to go.

In other news, my wing of the building at work smells like a dead rat. It is foul. My coworker took my green apple dish soap, removed the lid, and set it in her office. It's a sad day when you have to use dish soap as an air freshener.

Implementate

My friend Erin read my last post and emailed me to say that one of her friends continually uses the word "implementate," as in "We're trying to implementate a new program at work." This is almost worse than varange.

Varange

You want to know what is highly annoying? When people repeatedly mispronounce words. But not only mispronounce them, add to them. Example: A coworker of mine likes to use the word (and I say word in the loosest sense possible because it's not technically a word) "varange" in general conversation. As in "...it would give us a wide varange of possibilities..." I haven't the heart to tell him he could just say "range."

It may annoy me less if I give in and start using it in my own conversation. I have such a wide varange of work pants in my closet, I have difficulty deciding what to wear. I want everyone to use "varange" in a sentence.

Megan's new icon

My sister Megan has refused to post until she gets her icon pic changed. I can't figure out what she hates about her current pic. It looks just like her. It's obviously empowering -- a flaming red-haired, pale-faced young lady heaving a motorcycle over her head. What's not to like about it? But I am flexible. Always willing to go that extra mile for family. To appease her, I've found some alternatives. Feel free to cast your vote on the following selections for Megan's new icon:

A) Freaky No-Face
B) Big Bird Smoking
C) Almost Identical
D) Terrifying
E) I Will Have Bad Dreams Forever
F) My Personal Favorite

I'm bringing sexy back

Look, I realize it's been awhile, but if Russ thinks he's taking over, he's got another thing coming. You got that, Russ? If you want to fight, we'll fight. I've had enough of the extortion. Let's go...RIGHT NOW.

I'm thinking about options for this web space. I'm not sure if I can continue regular posting or not, but I'm not even considering closing up shop quite yet. Here are a few options:

1. I'll turn this into a dating site. How could I possibly go wrong there? Thousands of people will pay any amount for the chance of love. The domain name sort of sucks for a dating site. I'll have to change it to getyourmackon.com or stdfree.com. The problem is that I'm a terrible networker. I'll need all of you to sign up with me so people have a pool to choose from. It's okay if your married. Just conveniently forget to mention it on my site survey. Unfortunately, there are a lot of dating sites out there. I need to find my niche.

2. I'll start an e-commerce site and sell my junk. And I have a lot of junk. eBay has proven that one one man's junk is truly another's treasure. I have a collection of old dog toys, a few Pez dispensers, and an entire chest of drawers full of who-knows-what. Why not just sell on eBay? Um...good point.

3. I'll start writing my novel online. Hmmm...the thought of writing a novel never really crossed my mind because, well, I hate writing. But now it sounds okay. I could write a paragraph a day. (I know you're thinking "Geez, she couldn't even post here twice a week. Paragraph a day?!" Whatever. Quit being a kill-joy.) It'll be about a woman who escapes from a mental institution and goes to her 10-year high school reunion.

Maybe I need a redesign.

Megan's icon stays!

Getting someone else to post around here is like pulling teeth. Who wants to post? Anyone? I'll take anyone! If I don't get any takers, I'm going to start posting old pictures.

What is wrong with me?!

I announced at my staff meeting that I found about 5 grey hairs on my head. At my engineering staff meeting at work! Seriously, we were to go around the room and report what we were working on and I told everyone I'm going grey. I'm not sure what's worse -- going grey at age 28 or announcing it at work. I have no idea what the appropriate age for going grey is, but I feel like it shouldn't be now.

Best quote from that dancing show

"Do you have extra batteries in your pants?"

Remembering 9-11 (in a round-about way)

Honestly, I don't consider myself an overly emotional person, or even particularly sentimental. Ask anyone who knows me. I'm a very steady, level-headed person. And that's exactly why I feel like I'm going crazy now. My hormones are out-of-control.

An ex-boyfriend tracked me down this weekend through this website. Not just any ex-boyfriend... He was the guy I was dating in college right before my car accident. I hadn't heard from him in over 6 years or so, so I was surprised to get his email. I read through about half of it before I lost it and started sobbing like a baby. And I couldn't stop. All weekend, I've been a teary mess. Hearing from him brings back such memories, both good and bad, that I haven't thought of in a long time. Hearing from him reminds me of all the great times we had in college... and reminds me of my car accident and how difficult everything was for me after that. It happened so quickly that I feel like I never really had a lot of closure with him or a lot of the relationships with friends I had from college.

Anyway, I was happy to hear that he's married with two kids. He's in the Army and in Iraq right now. I don't know many people serving in the military, but being that today is the 5-year anniversary of 9-11, I am thinking of Mike and thinking of Allen and Dave.

The enormous propensity of fools

I've said before how Wilkie Collins is my favorite author. How can anyone not appreciate an opium-addicted author who wore a full beard his ENTIRE life. And of such length! It must be admired. I'm currently reading No Name, not one of his better books, still it's got some great passages:

I have always maintained that the one important phenomenon presented by modern society is the enormous propensity of Fools. Show me an individual Fool, and I will show you an aggregate Society which gives that highly favoured personage nine chances out of ten -- and grudges the tenth to the wisest man in existence. Look where you will, in every high place there sits an Ass, settled beyond the reach of all the greatest intellects in this world to pull him down. Over our whole social system, complacent Imbecility rules supreme -- snuffs out the searching light of Intelligence, with total impunity -- and hoots, owl-like, in answer to every form of protest, See how well we all do in the dark!

Everyone should read Wilkie Collins. Really, start here with The Haunted Hotel.

A Labor Day meme that has nothing to do about Labor Day

Passed onto me by the RAD. I'm bothered by the fact that 10, 12, 16, 20, 22, 27, and 37 are missing. Who started this silly meme?

1) Who is the last person you high-fived? Aaron the Wandered
2) If you were drafted into a war, would you survive? No way. I'd die before I even got to the war zone.
3) Do you sleep with the TV on? No, that's crazy.
4) Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton? No, the crusty stuff around the rim of the milk jug grosses me out.
5) Have you ever won a spelling bee? No, I was eliminated in the first round. I was embarrassed about it because I was one of two people selected to go out of my entire class and I failed them all!
6) Have you ever been stung? By a bee? Yes
7) How fast can you type? Slow.
8) Are you afraid of the dark? No
9) What is your eye color? Green
11) Do you ever wear the same clothes twice without washing them? All the time.
13) Are you drinking anything right now? My morning coffee.
14) Favorite animal as a kid? I don't remember.
15) Can you hoola hoop? No
17) What do you want for Christmas? I can't think of anything...maybe that's why I'm so hard to buy for.
18) Favorite cereal: Oatmeal Squares
19) Do you talk in your sleep? Probably
21) Have you ever flown a kite? Yes
23) How many people are on your contact list of your cell? Uh...maybe 20
24) Have you ever asked for a pony? No
25) Plans for tomorrow? work
26) Can you juggle? No
28) How are you feeling today? Great... I have the day off and it's beautiful outside.
29) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? No
30) What are you looking forward to? Autumn, specifically November
31) Have you ever crawled through a window? yes
32) Have you ever eaten dog food? no
33) Movies you can quote line for line? “Office Space”
34) Favorite fast food breakfast? coffee, hashbrowns, and BK's Crossiantwich (which will kill you)
35) What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? Old salad dressing, ketchup, and yogurt
36) Any cool scars? Yes, I've got some awesome scars! Unfortunately, the stories associated with them are not so awesome.
38) What do you do when no one is watching? Adjust my bra.
39) Do you like dancing? I used to.
40) Who did you last talk to on the phone? Stephanie
41) Where was the last place you ate? California Tortilla
42) What is the last movie watched? Angel Eyes
43) What song did you hear last? Pain Killer by Turin Brakes
44) How many emails do you get a day? On a good day, maybe 3-4

This meme dies with me! Meme killer!

Don't die!

I'll admit I've never been very good with plants. When I was in college, my roommate left for another school and so I inherited her Amaryllis and Aloe plant. Fortunately, neither plant requires much love and I was able to keep both alive until my car accident when I bequeathed them to my roommate.

For my birthday this year, my dad bought me a flowering plant. I set it on my desk at work in full sunlight where it has stayed for the past month and a half by my computer monitor. About three weeks ago, I started worrying about it because the tiny flowers were all dying. So I made sure it had enough water. But that didn't stop the flower death. Weeks went by and my coworkers started commenting on the hideousness of my plant. The crispy, brown flowers were still hanging off it. I didn't know what kind of plant it was, so I wasn't sure how to care for it. I thought about pulling the death off, but every time I touched my plant a bunch of dead blooms would fall all over my keyboard. So I decided to just leave it alone. I value a clean keyboard over a healthy plant anyday. But having a dead plant in front of your face for eight hours a day is sort of depressing.

Well, today a coworker of mine decided enough was enough. She was going to fix my plant. She spent a good 15 minutes snipping all the tiny brown flowers off, pulled the plastic off (yes, lazy me left it on), and found a plate to put it on. After that, she wiped off my CPU, dusted my printer, and threw away the trash on my desk. How awesome is that? She's like my mother...at work. My work mother. Unfortunately, the whole incident managed to reinforce my idea that if I ignore problems long enough, eventually they will fix themselves. My plant still looks weird with maybe two or three shoots of healthy flowers towering off to the right, but overall, my plant appears much healthier. In the pruning process, we managed to discover a tag deep down in the center of the pot that identifies the plant as a KALANCHOE. Apparently this is another hard-to-kill plant and the flower death was natural. So I'm not nearly as depressed by my ugly plant. It has a future!

Catching up

I've been totally sucking at posting here anymore. Well... I shouldn't say TOTALLY sucking. That is more representative of my fellow cohorts' (listed on the sidebar) posting skills as evidenced in the low number of their posts as opposed to my 92. Megan's been pretty great about posting but she's told me now that, until I changed the "hideous" bio picture representing her, we won't hear from her again. Everyone's a critic.

So without further ado, here are a few interesting things going on in my life:

1. Zeke got a haircut and, ever since, he's been scaring the crap out of me. He was constantly scratching his neck because his collar bothers him more with short hair so I took it off until the red welts on his neck heal. The only problem is that I can't hear the jingle of his collar any longer so I can't ever figure out where he is. He's stealth crazy. The only warning that I get of his imminent pounce is the prrump-pruump-PRUMP-PROUUMP of his feet as he barrels toward me. It's crazy. And I feel bad because I'll call for him over and over and finally figure out that he's been standing behind me all along. I gotta get that warning device of a collar back on.

2. Do people actually watch The Fear Factor?

3. So what I was really talking about in this post was this guy Aaron, a friend of a friend of Megan's roomate, who is currently staying at my house because he's walking across the country. Traveling across the country. He walked for awhile but said that got really old really fast. Now he takes the bus. He's been through 20 states so far. All week long I've dropped him off at the DC Metro and he's been checking out the monuments and museums. He's got great stories. I think you have to have a certain kind of temperment to undertake such a task as his. Being that I really don't care much for people, I think I would end up dead under an underpass or something. I wish him the best of luck on his quest and think he should stay with Russ when he gets to Colorado.

4. Megan and Rebecca and her boyfriend visited this weekend. On Saturday afternoon, Megan came scooting into my room and asked in a squeaky voice, "Allison, don't you want to see Step Up as much as I do?! Come on. It's a dancing movie!" Megan shares my love of dancing movies and, in contrast with my shame and reluctance to admit it, Megan is proud of the fact. So proud that she roped Aaron the Wanderer into coming along. The sad fact is it's one of the worst dancing movies ever. You Got Served was better. Center Stage was better. Do you undertand how terrible it was? Megan said there was too much drama and not enough dancing. Aaron said Take the Lead was better. Aaron is obviously a closet dancing movie lover.

5. I really like Rebecca's boyfriend. I hope he sticks around for awhile especially since she's leaving in a week to go to Holland to work on an organic farm for three months. I've had awhile to get used to the idea, but that strikes me as really funny still. Such a Becky thing to do. God bless her.

My personal invitation

Funny. A few days ago, I missed a phone call from a number with a 303 area code. When I checked my voice mail, it was none other that Samuel L. Jackson! He pretty much threatened me to go see Snakes on a Plane with my good friend Russell. He told me to stop obsessing over my pet and painting my fingernails and see his movie or he "will come after" me. Oh, and he said his movie will "take a bite out of my butt." Good grief! I was just relieved he didn't start cursing at me. I'm not sure whether to feel honored that I got a personal invitation from him or be terrified that he will come after me. Because I think I'm gonna skip the movie. Although I have enough to spare, I'm not sure I want a movie taking a bite out of my butt. Since Samuel L. was calling from a 303 area code, he must have been hanging with my good friend Russell. Perhaps in the diseased pumpkin patch. I had no idea they were such good friends. They both can throw out an awesome F-bomb.

Speaking of Snakes on a Plane, check out Ben Kepple's review and John Stewart clip.

Secret post to Megan that nobody can see but her:

What?! Who is this guy staying here for a week and what is he doing?! Why is he walking across the country? What? What? What's going on?

Get back to work.

Caption this

Zeke got himself a fancy new haircut.

New:

Old:

He almost looks like a normal Jack Russell. Personally, I'm partial to the shaggier look but don't appreciate the balls of poop that get stuck to his shaggy butt hair. One has to maintain. Sad, but true.

Atonement: The Movie

As I've said before, Atonement is one of my favorite books by a contemporary author. After watching BBC's Daniel Deronda last weekend, I was doing a little research on Romola Garai, who played one of the main characters. I like her after seeing her in I Capture the Castle (which consequently is a terrible movie adaptation of the book...awful). So what is my point? Well, I noticed she's going to be in the movie adaptation of Atonement. Bleh. They're turning it into a movie. Bleh. With Keira Knightley. Bleh. I'm not sure how I feel about that. So much of the book consist of the characters' inner dialog or thoughts. I'm not sure how they're going to carry that off. I hope they don't butcher it. (On a side note though, I think Romola Garai is a good choice for her character. And, although I hate to say it, Keira Knightley probably is too.)

If you haven't read the book yet, do it now.

Yay! He's gone!

Friday was my intern Adam's last day. And now I can write about him as much as I want because I am no longer bound by professionalism. He's just a common man now... A college student. You can write nasty things about people on the Internet as long as they don't work for you or vice-versa. There is no such thing as slander or libel.

This is Adam.

Doesn't he look like the kind of intern you'd want? He did all the important things, like killing the wasps that crawled through the hole in my window. He was also very proud of the fact that he and a friend had an instant message conversation that included every single emoticon available for use. If those aren't marketable skills, I don't know what are. He should have no problem finding a job. He talked a lot about his girlfriend, even going so far as to use a close-up picture of her making a face for his computer wallpaper (which terrified the crap out of me when he minimized all his applications one day.) On his last day before he left, he bequeathed to me his Clip Man, a 10-inch tall man made entirely out of black binder clips. I will treasure it always and think of Adam every time someone asks me what that bizarre mass is growing on my bookshelf.

He was a good intern. I miss him already.

So hot the Jello salad melted

Yesterday was the date of my annual Birthday Crabfeast Extravaganza. Little late this year as my actual birthday was two weeks ago, but as Steph says, might as well milk it as long as you can. It was HOT...a little like having a crabfeast in Hell. My planning cohort Erin and I agreed on 4 p.m. as a good time to start which was about 2 hours too early. What gave me the idea that it was too hot? Hmmm. Could've been the beads of sweat streaming down Vince's face. Or when Erin shoved a paper towel down her shirt. Or when I almost passed out.

Overall, it was a success. A full bushel of crabs, 2 pounds of steamed shrimp, fresh tuna steaks caught Friday, and two loaves of french bread were finished off completely. And my recycling bin is now full of beer bottles.

I'm wearing black for some insane reason. (Click to enlarge)

Reflections on the ER

Not only have I been distracted lately, I've been feeling awful. I went to see my doctor last week and she gave me a five-day course of Levaquin, an antibiotic strong enough to kill a horse. I swear it's poison. The side effects are insane -- worse than having an infection. The first day I took it, I was so dizzy I couldn't function, but couldn't sleep. The second day I had a headache. The third and fourth days, my stomach and back muscles felt like I had done 800,000 sit-ups. I started to worry about the side effects, so I did a Google search. After I read all these terrifying first-person accounts, I stopped taking it. Nobody should take that stuff.

The other exciting event at my doctor's office was having my blood drawn. I got stabbed three times in three different places! I'm cursed with bad veins. They finally had to take it from the back of my hand.

So after taking that crazy medication and still feeling miserable, I broke down and headed off to the ER on Monday night at 9 p.m. I hate going to the hospital, especially if I'm not on death's doorstep. I hate to wait. But I've had a severe pain in my side under my left ribcage for about 2 weeks and it continues to worsen. And wait, I did. Any time you go to the ER, a good trick to being treated right away is to start vomiting in the middle of the waiting room. If only I felt nauseous...

After x-rays and CT scans, more blood-drawing and IVs, and 7 hours of waiting, it was determined that I'm perfectly fine. Apparently, there is nothing wrong with me besides a little muscle pain. That doesn't explain away the dizziness and lack of appetite, but I guess I feel better knowing it's nothing obvious. But this is the second time I've come back from the ER with nothing wrong but muscle pain. Soon I will stop worrying and blame every pain from now on my muscles.

I still think it's my spleen.

Hospital waiting rooms are one of the top 10 most miserable places to be. Being around sick or injured people waiting for treatment is a downer. Everyone is in a foul mood. I don't know how doctors and nurses do it. I get the whole "helping save lives" thing, but every once in awhile, they've got to wonder what they're surrounding themselves with. I didn't have much to do because I forgot to bring a book. Here are a few waiting room observations:

1. While nobody in a waiting room is particularly enjoyable to be around, sick kids are the worst. The cutest little girl