Law and Order: P.G. County

Fantastic. It's always nice to find out the county you live in just surpassed the former murder capital of the U.S. Washington DC for having the most homicides.

Memorial Day 2005

Happy Memorial Day. Today I remember all the service men who have given their time, energy, or lives for this great nation of ours. I honor the troops we have in service in Iraq, Afghanistan, and elsewhere in the world. I think about my grandfather who flew B-25 bombers over the South Pacific, my cousin and my aunt in the Army, and my friends who are in the military.

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UPDATE: As well as remembering all our troops today, I also went shopping all day and honored them by purchasing a new purse (that looks exactly like my old purse), three shirts, and a roast beef sandwich at Arby's.

I'm allergic to work

After reading this article on a Detroit DJ who was awarded $10.6 million for being fired because of a perfume allergy...well, lets just say I'm searching really hard for something at work that'll make me sneeze.

Apparently, Cambodia's royal cows are predicting a good harvest this year. I wish the Colorado cows were predicting the same. My uncles, who harvest wheat in Eastern Colorado, have declared the season a bust after getting almost no rain and then a terrible hailstorm. Having a job that relies on the weather must be tough. No-good,stinkin' cows.

I'm glad U.S. paper mills are up and running. If we ran out of toilet paper here like they are in Finland, it would be mass chaos. Nobody would know what to do with themselves. People would be getting shot over their Sam's Club 15-pack TP in bulk. I'd totally hoard toilet paper in my basement. You take-a my TP, I break-a yo' face.

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Track of the day: "Catch My Disease" by Ben Lee

The Dark side

This afternoon I saw the latest Star Wars movie. Good stuff. I think I mainly enjoyed it because it cleared up all of the questions I had about how the original begins.

*A FEW SPOILERS*

I really hated Anakin's hair in this movie and I was kind of relieved when his head caught on fire at the end because it burned the ugly off him.

Overall, Hayden Christensen did a much better job in this episode. I like him. I saw Life as a House years ago and remember liking him in it. Or maybe it was just the story line. There were still a few areas in this episode where the dialogue was a bit forced (like every scene with Natalie Portman in it), but still, much better.

The only time I teared up a bit was when Darth Vader walked into the Jedi headquarters to slaughter all the Younglings. Terrible!

Like the rest of decent society, I was thrilled JarJar Binks had no speaking parts.

My favorite character, by far, was R2-D2. I would love to have one just like him. It's cool how he launches himself off of the planes.

Yoda looked like a flying muppet in all his fighting sequences. He walks with a cane yet he's quite acrobatic.

Mace Windu would have been a lot more effective if he tossed out a couple obscenities here and there.

I was wondering how Sidious got that nasty wrinkled up face and now I know!

I enjoyed it a lot. I have to go watch Episodes IV, V, and VI again now.

Weekend review

In honor of Kim's upcoming marriage, I got a few of her friends together this Saturday for a pre-shower gathering. And there is no better place for a pre-shower gathering than Linganore Winecellars Caribbean Wine Festival!

Steph and I met Kim, her mom, and two others at noon and drove an hour north to Mt. Airy, Maryland, where several hundred people had already congregated to taste wine and listen to Caribbean music for the afternoon. It was quite a spectacle. I have never seen anything like it. I have gone to several music festivals in my lifetime, but never have I seen wine bottles and glasses everywhere. Oh, the wine was flowing. Most people were walking around with a bottle in one hand and a full glass in the other.

When we arrived, we each paid $10 at the gate and received an etched wine glass. There were food and craft vendors set up around the perimeter and a huge tent in the middle of the field where the wine tasting was taking place. I headed straight for the tent and made the mistake of parking myself in front of a pourer who tried to get me drunk on ten different samples in 5 minutes.

We moved on to the Pit Beef stand where I had a roast beef sandwich that was better than anything Arby's serves up. After perusing the vendors, we tasted a few more wines and part of our group took the winery tour. While Steph was in line at the Porta-potties, I got my picture taken with a drunk guy who was trying on hats at the vendor behind me. We met up with our group at the wine store where several of us bought wine and then settled down on the hill to listen to the two calypso bands that were playing.

To my surprise, there were actually very few visibly drunk people, although a couple on a blanket beside us went through four bottles. There were more scantily-clad women there than drunk people. On several instances, I thought for sure I was going to get an eye-full of something I did not want to see. Scantily-clad women and alcohol do not mix well.

Steph and I concluded that we each needed to get one of the wine-glass holders that many people were wearing around their necks. I need one so I can wheel around while drinking wine. Steph needs one so she can do things like laundry and vacuuming while drinking wine. Yes, they're perfect for the dedicated wino.

Usually, these types of festivals are right up my alley. I love them. I only wish I was able to walk around like everyone else and not have to worry about muddy ground or bumpy hills or crushing little kids with my monstrous wheelchair. It's hard for me not to think how much more enjoyable the day would've been with a little mobility and two good legs. Overall, I was impressed with the accessibility of the winery...right down to the handicap accessible porta-potty. Heh. There's something you don't see everywhere.

The weather was perfect for such a day. I just hope everyone that went with us had as great of a time as I did. I might have to check out the Reggae Wine Festival next month. Or the Blues Festival in July...

TGIF

I'm feeling much better today, but my neck is still a little hard to turn to the left. I have the misfortune to sit in my office with the doorway to my left so everytime someone speaks to me from the hall, I contort my body weirdly and say, "Ow, ow, ow..."

Steph and Vince are coming back down from Philly this weekend to help us invalids. Everyone have a great weekend. See ya back here on Monday.

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Track of the day: "Lover, You Should've Come Over" by Jeff Buckley

Rednecks... or Weaknecks? Hahaha

Early Monday morning, my father came down with some terrible flu symptoms and one of the times he got up out of bed, he became so dizzy that he passed out and hit his head on the wall. My mom took him to the hospital and I lied in bed all night worrying myself sick. Turns out he had fractured his neck in the fall and has to wear a neck brace for the next 6 to 8 weeks.

After rehydrating him, he was released from the hospital and is doing well now despite the occassional pain in the neck. Of course, it could have been so much worse. He can still move, thank God. But I know how terribly uncomfortable neck braces are since I was in one for over 4 months after my spinal cord injury.

Just yesterday, I was with my dad and a coworker of his approached and asked about the accident. "We have weak necks in our family," I joked. Hahaha. I'm so clever. But do you ever say something you really want to kick yourself for later? Oh, I do. ALL THE TIME.*

So last night my mother comes down with flu-like symptoms. My poor parents. I went to bed, but while I was shifting myself around, I heard a loud CRACK which turned out to be my neck. Hahaha! The "weak neck" remark ain't so funny now, is it, moron? So I froze as still as can be, and all the horrible thoughts I could possibly scrape from the corners of my mind made their way to the forefront. Did I rebreak my neck? Did the fusion come unfused? Will they have to reoperate? And the worst: WILL WE BE A FAMILY OF NECKBRACES!? Imagine what the family pictures will look like! Augh!

This morning I went to the doctor. After obsessively worrying all night, it looks as though it was just a random crack. No brace necessary. No surgery. Just some Aleve. But my neck is killing me. I can't turn it to the left at all. I feel better after seeing the doctor and getting the x-rays, but I hope the pain goes away quickly.

So attention! Anyone related to me in any shape or form: We are a family of weak necks! Take precautionary measure. Wear football helmets! Drink your milk! But don't joke about it. It's not a laughing matter.

* Right before my car accident, the last thing I told me friends was something like, "I'm not sure we'll make it there...between Nate's driving and the weather." And we didn't. How can I make money off this? Someone should be paying me for my future-telling jokes.

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Track of the day: "Home" by Marc Broussard

Enough is enough

I'm adding Britney Spears and Kevin Federline to the list of People I Want To Disappear. I'm kind of surprised I hadn't added her to that list already.

They'll be in good company. Others on that list: Jesse Jackson, Rosie O'Donnell, Bob Barker, Alec Baldwin, Anna Nicole Smith, Scott Savol, Al Sharpton, R. Kelly, Hillary Clinton, my dental hygienist, the editor of Newsweek, the fat pervert who works downstairs, and the guy in front of me who was going 25 mph in a 45 this morning.

It's a running list. I'll be sure to keep you updated.

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Track of the day: "Cold" by Crossfade

I don't have to explain myself to you

I know you people aren't giving me crap about not posting enough. Despite what you may think, this ain't my job. I don't have to post every day. Do you sign my paychecks? Then you not the boss o'me! UH-UHHH.

Plus, I was busy this weekend. I went up to beautiful Manheim, Pennsylvania, with my parents and Stephanie and Vince for our annual Mother's Day campout in Amish Country on the second weekend of May. (I'm much too lazy to link to the May campout entries I've written in the past but if you're actually interested, you can find them using the search.)

As usual, a fantastic time was had by all but Zeke, The Incredible Pooping Dog, and he even had a few minutes of fun. I'm sure he particularly enjoyed pooping in my closet the night before we left. Or maybe pooping on the floor the first night we were there was his highlight... Or maybe it was when he pooped on the floor again and my mother stepped in it. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I don't know, but I'm fairly certain his personal enjoyment revolved around pooping somewhere. He is a foul little dog.

As for the rest of us, we enjoyed a gorgeous Saturday morning. Vince, Steph, and I then drove though the quaint town of Manheim and stopped off at Kreider Farms, a well-known dairy whose specialty must be ice cream. I had the best butter pecan in the whole entire world. I hate to be obnoxious, but it was better than any ice cream you've had. Don't even try to argue with me, sucka.

Despite the fact that he's my only brother-in-law, Vince is by far my favorite brother-in-law because he vacuumed out my filthy van and then hosed the van and Steph down at the car wash.

Our next mission was to find a grocery store that carried real beef hot dogs and marshmallows for the campfire we were going to have that night. Surprisingly, those two object were difficult to find although pork hotdogs were plentiful. We had to drive to nearby Lebanon to complete the mission. On the way, we stopped off at Mt. Hope Estate and Winery, which is also the site of the Renaissance Faire, in hopes of picking up some wine for later. After tasting about six wines, we settled on two and I bought three extra bottles to take home. One of my favorites: Quiltmaker's Delight.

As always, Vince the Eagle Scout did a phenomenal job on the campfire. It was a relaxing weekend, but Zeke and I are glad to be back where beef hotdogs are commonplace and there's a whole half-acre backyard to poop in.

I'm a big girl now

Apparently I think money grows on trees because yesterday I went to Best Buy with my friend Erin and spent a good chunk of change on a huge 27-inch TV and a DVD/VCR thing. To be fair, I really needed another TV. According to Erin, my 13-inch TV/VCR combo was a "baby's TV" and since I'm not a baby anymore, I needed to buy a "big girl's TV." Erin is a bad influence.

I went into the store thinking a 24-inch would do just fine. But for some reason all the 27-inch TVs were actually less expensive that a lot of the 24-inch ones. And Erin kept reminding me that bigger is better (which is not necessarily always true). So I decided to buy one but didn't realize how large it actually was until the two employees helping me couldn't find a way to load it into my van. The box wouldn't fit through the door, so they unpacked it and managed to get it in the back. When you're standing in the store looking at all the TVs, they really don't look that big, especially compared to the gigantic ones they have these days.

So I'm a big girl now with a big TV that sits perfectly on the big TV stand I purchased from IKEA two weeks ago. Funny. I moved to a bigger bedroom and now I'm trying my hardest to fill up all the space available. I can safely say I've purchased my last big ticket item...at least for awhile.

Wow!

Three posts in one day! I must have been bored. This will make up for posting nothing tomorrow. :)

Step in time... Step in time...

If only he wasn't so...Catholic.

This is hilarious. (via The Corner)

Sarah Loomis, 32, of Great Neck, N.Y., agreed. "I think it's good for the church to have rules against killing and things like that," she said. "But I was really hoping the new pope would loosen up on things like abortion and homosexuality. This is the 20th century, after all. Or 21st. Whatever."

Searching

Thanks to the wonders of search engines, I get a lot of hits from people searching for a variety of things. Thanks to my shower talk and my page title, a good majority of them are from perverts looking for 'watch me shower hot girl' and 'smokin hot mama.'

But every so often, I get a really bizarre search request from people who end up emailing me. For example, a few weeks ago, I got an email from someone who had found my site while searching for 'bebo norman fake fingernails.' He asked me if I knew why Bebo wears acrylics for his shows. (I really have no idea but have been told by several sources that it's probably because it's easier to play the guitar. Makes sense, I guess. Still, odd.)

Just today, I received another email from a Marine in North Carolina who found my site while searching for 'rabbit poop.' Ha! RABBIT POOP.

Allisonlives.com: Your Best Authority on Rabbit Feces.

He went on to explain: "I found your webpage on accident. A buddy of mine
was telling me that trix is the official word for rabbit poop...I still havent found out if rabbit poop is really called trix." So on behalf of my new friend, the Trix-Searching Marine, I am requesting that my dear readers either confirm or deny this statement. Please help. Do it for your country.

Regardless of why they come here, I am thankful for all my readers and enjoy getting email no matter how bizarre the reason.

Step in time

I've had a lot of annoying songs stuck in my head at one time or another, but I'd have to say one of the most annoying is the song "Step in Time" from the movie Mary Poppins. When my friend Beverly comes over, she usually sits her 3-year-old down in front of a kid's movie. And you know how kids are... They can watch one movie millions of times in a row and never get tired of it. Last week, that movie was Mary Poppins.

My most favorite part of that movie is when Burt and the chimney sweeps are jumping anround the rooftops singing. And then they jump down the chimney and roll out in the Banks' living room all covered in soot. The maid sees all these crazy singing chimney sweeps and screams "Aaaugh!" And then they all repeat after her, singing:

Aaaugh!, step in time
Aaaugh!, step in time
Never need a reason,
Never need a rhyme
Aaaugh!, step in time

That part cracks me up. I love it. Still, it's not exactly the song I want running through my head at work.

*Sigh*

I need someone handy to come over and put my IKEA furniture together.

Johnny boy

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome John to the blogging community. He just started his website up this month. In addition, he's written all sorts of wonderful things about me, so he can't be all that bad, can he? He's linked me so we already know he has decent taste. So drop by and say hello if you can.

Obsession

I hate to pass judgement on my new neighbors so early, but it seems as though he's obsessed with his lawn. Perhaps rightfully so. He's got a gorgeous lawn. He probably stares at our dandilion-riddled lawn in contempt and berates us to his wife.

Last week I pulled into my driveway about the same time as he pulled into his. We were both getting home from work. He immediately got out of his car and began watering his grass. It was as if he had spotted a dry blade as he put his car in park and had to save it from a painful death! I went in the house and came back out 30 minutes later. There he was in his business suit, hose in hand, protecting his sod from the punishing spring heat.

I can't wait to see how he reacts to summer.

*UPDATE* - Tonight my friend Mike saw my neighbor in nother but a pair of shorts leaning over in his front yard to examine a patch of lawn.

...Is a very, very, very fine house

By popular demand (okay, because two people asked), here's a slideshow of the new house. Enjoy.

Start slideshow >>

IKEA convert

Yesterday, I had my first IKEA shopping experience and, let me tell you, it was just as fabulous as I had hoped. That place is crazy huge! Crazy! When I first arrived with my mother at 1:30 p.m., I thought, "This is odd -- they have a cafeteria." By the time 4:30 rolled around, I completely understood why they had a cafeteria. You have to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner somewhere while your shopping.

I ended up buying a TV stand for my non-existent TV and two narrow bookshelves to stand beside it. The IKEA warehouse is insane though. My mom and I were unprepared for the heavy-duty lifting necessary to get the items in our cart and check out. I wish I had a videocamera to record the process for posterity. It was hilarious. My mom basically lined the cart up with the item and pulled it onto the cart. And then she kept trying to run into people with 400 pounds of yet-to-be-assembled furniture. My mom is typically crazy with a grocery cart, too. I have to keep my distance when I'm shopping with her.

I fell in love with IKEA. I can think of no better way to blow wads of cash.

*UPDATE*
IKEA is by far the most diverse place of commerce I've been in awhile. There people of all ages and races there. I saw some guy in a turban, a bunch of Germans, a few gay guys, really old couples, Spanish-speakers, and a bearded man who kept bumping into my mother.

Again with the showers*

Check out this shower dispenser! Four chambers for soap, shampoo, etc. and a shelf for bottles, soap bars, and razors. Plus, a mirror! *Gasp!* I suppose the mirror comes in handy for men. (What percentage of men really do shave in the shower? I'm not sure that I know any.) But, really, my naked reflection is a little too much to bear that early in the morning.

Speaking of mirrors in the shower, here's a little something I'll share although, really, I shouldn't. The shower in my previous bathroom had two controls: a temperature handle and a pressure handle, both silver and round. One day while I was showering, I was looking at them and I could see my distorted reflection in the closest one. The first horrible thought that ran through my mind was, "Ack! I look like the old, saggy, naked lady in 'The Shining'!" It was scary sight. I think I had just watched that crazy movie for the first time maybe two weeks before. This is just another example why I can't watch scary movies.

*I know what you're thinking: Will this broad ever stop writing about her shower experiences? It's unlikely.

Let there be light

I finally was able to move into my new bedroom this past weekend. The room has two huge windows facing east and two facing south. As I mentioned before, I sleep with my blankets completely covering my head. So when I woke up on Sunday morning and threw back the blankets, I was blinded by the sunlight streaming in. I thought I was outside for a minute. It's nice to have such a bright bedroom. It's well-positioned to get sun from the east in the morning and from the south the rest of the day. It has an extremely high ceiling so it feels light and airy all the time. I love it. It puts me in a good mood.