No respect

The deceased Rodney Dangerfield's publicist got a strange call last week from a CNN booking agent asking if "Rodney would be available to share his comments on the passing and legacy of Johnny Carson." Apparently, it slipped his mind that Dangerfield died LAST OCTOBER.

The straw mystery

The other day, I noticed a straw lying on the carpet...one of those "bendy" straws. The end had been chewed so I assumed it was left there by my friend Beverly's almost-three-year-old. A few days later, I saw another straw, chewed in the same way, in a different room. And then I saw another...and another...and another. Straws everywhere! And then I heard a chewing noise come from under the bed.

Turns out Zeke the Weenie Wonderdog loves straws, particularly the bendy variety. He'd been pulling them one-by-one from a box on a shelf in the pantry. I have no clue as to how he found the box, but I can guarantee no one will actually be using those straws now. It's nice to know that Zeke doesn't require fancy, expensive dog bones and plush toys to keep him occupied. Now we just give him plastic straws and he's easily amused for hours.

The Skating Years

This morning, my friend Beverly confessed to me that she's had The New Kids on the Block's "The Right Stuff" stuck in her head for the past day. In attempt to pass it on to me and purge it from her brain, she broke out in song: "Oh oh, oooh-oh-oh... Oh oh, oooh-oh..." Fortunately for me, I already had a song stuck in my head so her evil plan backfired.

Beverly: Do you think they still play NKOTB at the skating rink?
Allison: Nah. They play Top 40, I think. If they still played that kind of music at the skating rink, I'd be there every Saturday.

Songs they played at the skating rink back in my day:
"Staight Up" - Paula Abdul
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" - Bobby McFarrin
"Cover Girl" - NKOTB
"High Enough" - Damn Yankees
"Right Here Waiting" - Richard Marx
"Hangin' Tough" - NKOTB
"When I See You Smile" - Bad English
Guns and Roses
Janet Jackson

Playing Hangman?

In Ocala, Florida, a 9 and 10-year-old were arrested and led away in handcuffs for drawing violent stick figure pictures. The pictures showed a classmate being hung and stabbed. Crazy stuff! I'm glad none of my teachers turned me in for the crazy pictures I used to draw. Perhaps this is more of a family matter than one for the legal system.

The AIDS Conspiracy

The majority of studies that I read about these days are incredibly stupid and seem to be a waste of money (i.e. Studying the effects of candy on children, etc). But every once in awhile, I read something that shocks me. New information. The latest shocker I read in the Washington Post this morning. It seems as though a significant percentage of Blacks believe that HIV and AIDS were created by government scientists for the express purpose of wiping out their communities.

Black people comprise only 13% of the population, yet 50% of all new HIV cases are Blacks. 500 Blacks were surveyed with these results:

50% say HIV is man-made.
25% say HIV was produced in a government lab.
12% say it was spread by the CIA.
53% believe there is a cure, but it's being withheld from the poor.
44% believe people treated for HIV are government guinea pigs.
15% believe AIDS is a form of genocide against Blacks.

Folks, this would be funny if it wasn't so stupid. In fact, I wish I know someone who would actually voice this opinion so I can tell him how ridiculous it is. This conspiracy theory ranks right up there with the ever-popular Tupac-Is-Still-Alive theory and the Elvis-Lives-In-The-Coke-Machine theory.

Why do so many Blacks believe this? According to Na'im Akbar, a professor of psychology at Florida State University, it's a result of years of opression that still lives on today. "There are a lot of indicators that our lives are not valued," Akbar said. Blacks are more likely to live in poor polluted areas away from hospitals and healthcare.

But do believing conspiracy theories stem from mistrust of government and oppression or are they simply a good way to remove personal responsibility? One doesn't typically (there are exceptions) contract HIV without a little action on his part. Perhaps I'm a little cynical. It's just hard for me to believe the government is sending out undercover CIA agents infected with AIDS to have sex with the Black community. I don't know. I could be wrong.

It's probably a good idea to check credentials before you sleep with someone. Avoid the CIA. Just a little public service announcement from Allisonlives.com.

Severe immaturity

I'd like to think I'm a laid-back person... Easy-going... I get along with everyone. But I know that's probably not completely true. A friend of mine recently asked me if I had ever been in a verbal fight with someone. I used to yell at my little sister Megan all the time, but family doesn't count. I thought really hard about this and concluded that I'd verbally fought with someone only once... Interplanet Janet. I cannot think of her without squinting and wrinkling up my nose.

When I was a sophomore in college, I shared an apartment with a girl named Janet. I didn't know her when she moved in. I only knew that I'd seen her in a few of my business classes and that her boyfriend was from my hometown. The more I grew to know her, the more I realized she was a psychotic mess. She was overly emotional and would cry all the time. She and her boyfriend fought constantly and then she would cry. Her boyfriend would apologize, and then she would cry. She complained constantly about anything she could think of. Oh, and her voice was high and nasal...kinda like a female Kermit the Frog.

We avoided each other. One day after class, I came home, closed my room door, and took a nap. I awoke when she and her boyfriend came home and slammed the front door. She stormed around the kitchen complaining about this and that, and then I heard her say nasty things about my silverware! "...and look at her ugly blue silverware!" she said. "Can't she get better silverware?!"

Now I'll be the first to admit that my silverware of choice back in those days was not particularly attractive. You know the kind. The cheap plastic-handled set that Walmart sells for...what, $6.99? I was poor college student! I ate a diet of strictly Ramen noodles and hot dogs too! What kind of person rips on someone else's silverware?! I ignored it when her boyfriend peed on the toilet seat. You'd think she could keep her mouth shut about my eating utensils. That was it. I had to say something.

So we had words. To make a long argument short, she declared she was moving out. And I loudly encouraged her to take her stuck-up silverware with her.

Soon after she moved out, I found her college ID when I was cleaning. I cut out her photo and taped it to the Interplanet Janet picture in my Schoolhouse Rock calendar. There it stayed on the wall for the next year. A warning of sorts for all who dared mock my silverware.

But that is the only yelling match I remember. I once told a girl in my computer class I wanted to stab her in the eye with my pencil, but that doesn't technically count because we weren't fighting.

Random thoughts for Friday:

I went into work this morning and two of my coworkers had left fresh flowers on my desk. It's nice to get flowers, especially in the winter.

It's been bitterly cold for the past week. We got snow on Tuesday and are supposed to get dumped on tomorrow. I'm excited about it. Snow seems to make everything pure, if just for a moment.

Zeke the Weenie doesn't care much for snow. I can't, for the life of me, get that dog to come in out of the rain, but he doesn't like snow. Or maybe he doesn't like being cold. I have a small electric heater in my bedroom that Zeke loves to sit in front of. He'll just sit there and stare right into it. It so weird.

Go visit Allen. He went to high school with me. I always thought his name was spelled with one L and two A's (Alan) but I guess I was wrong. He sat in front of me in English class and I used to draw earrings on him with my pen and call him GusGus after the mouse in Cinderella. He'd always turn around and make sarcastic comments about people. I always liked Allen. He was funny. He's in the Army now.

My sister Stephanie, who is married to a 6'7" large man, emailed me yesterday about the birth of the Giant Baby. "This is the kind of thing I'm worried about," she wrote. But my physical therapist insists that it doesn't matter what the size the parents are. It has little to do with the size of the baby. For Steph's sake, let's hope that's true.

I like Altoids Apple Sours.

Have a great weekend, folks.

Pondering the Superbowl

Who's going to win this weekend? Who's going to the Superbowl? Tell me so I can sound intelligent when asked. Eagles vs. Patriots? No?

Clean undies

My friend Mike called me from his work yesterday and had a favor to ask:

"Allison, I'm in the process of moving and I packed up all my underwear! I don't have clean drawers to wear tomorrow! Can you buy me drawers? I need boxer briefs. Make sure they're not too tight."

Of course, I didn't buy him underwear. Why would I do that when there are perfetly good 7-11s, 24-hour CVSs, and Walmarts in this world? I'm a bad friend. If you can't ask your friends to buy you underwear, who can you ask?

Weekend report

Oh, let me sing the praises of a three day weekend! Thank you, Martin Luther King! (Does that sound insensitive? Heh.) Friday night, Kim brought over her cute little puppy Felicia. Zeke the Weenie couldn't have been happier. He needs a playmate to bring him out of his shell. That's my theory anyway. You know you're getting old when you set up play dates for your dog. Ugh.

Steph and Vince came down from Philadelphia this weekend and we took a trip to Best Buy to hunt for new high-tech gadgets. One can never have too many high-tech gadgets. I rarely go into Best Buy because I drool over all the cool stuff...and then people stare at me. I'm in the market for a new camera. Why I couldn't have put that on my Christmas Wishlist, I don't know. And since my stupid CD drive at work no longer functions properly, I'm doing a lot of research on MP3 players. So, if you could give me any advice on 4 or 5 megapixel cameras or MP3 players in the comments, I'd appreciate it. (Are iPods overrated? Can you listen to radio over them? What about Creative and iRiver?)

Next, we hit the 75% Off Sale at Bath and Body Works. I went in thinking, "I have too much lotion," and I left with no lotion! Success! Unless you consider that I still spent $30 on tons of hand soap and hand sanitizer. Apparently, hand cleanliness is a big thing for me.

Hecht's was last on the list. I made Steph empty all the tissue stuffing out of a gazillion handbags so I could compare them all. In the end, I refused to buy any of them.

Later in the evening, we ate dinner at a local sports bar so we could catch the atrocity that was the Steelers/Jets game. We wanted the Jets to win (I say 'we' meaning 'Vince') and think the kicker should be lynched. We wish him luck finding a new job.

Preach on

Some worry that it is somehow undiplomatic or impolite to speak the language of right and wrong. I disagree. Different circumstances require different methods, but not different moralities. Moral truth is the same in every culture, in every time, and in every place. Targeting innocent civilians for murder is always and everywhere wrong. Brutality against women is always and everywhere wrong. There can be no neutrality between justice and cruelty, between the innocent and the guilty. We are in a conflict between good and evil, and America will call evil by its name. By confronting evil and lawless regimes, we do not create a problem, we reveal a problem. And we will lead the world in opposing it.

-George W. Bush

A funky funk

I listen to CDs at work nearly every day. I usually just stick them in my computer's CD-ROM and put headphones on. Well, something bizarre happened to the CD drive and now my CDs all skip and jump all over the place. They're impossible to listen to...and that's really putting me in a funk. Now, intead of listening to my new Jeff Buckley CD, I get to listen to my coworker's phone conversation.

The IT guy at work is a busy man and I'd hate to bother him to replace my CD drive or computer just so I can listen to my Buckley. But this is beginning to qualify as an emergency! Must I explain that music enhances my productivity?! I'M IN A FUNK!

Hang on a sec while I vent

I'm a little irritated today because my second favorite radio station all of a sudden just switched to Latin/Caribbean music. I hate that! And with no warning! I switched to that station yesterday and heard some crazy song in Spanish and thought it was a joke.

Stinkin' media conglomerate Infinity Broadcasting doesn't care about the music. After declining ratings at WHFS, they decided it would be more profitable to switch to a Spanish-language format. Bah!

Squirrel power

Considering my family's turbulent history with squirrels, this is one of the scariest things I've ever seen.

2004 in words

This meme was stolen shamelessly from paved paradise who shamelessly stole it from someone else. I've taken the first sentence of the first post of each month for the past year:

January: Looks like Detroit has topped the list as the fattest U.S. city, knocking Houston out of the top spot.
February: Allison: Hello?
March: For the life of me, I don't get how you can hit a person with your vehicle and keep driving like nothing happened.
April: So apparently tomorrow is National Walk-to-Work Day.
May: I rarely remember dreams but the one I had this morning was incredibly bizarre.
June: Have you ever seen a coworker or acquaintance with their dog and thought, "Agh. I can't believe that dog loves HIM! ...That poor dog."
July: Today is not beginning well.
August: I must have poison ivy.
September: One of the few politicians in the state of Maryland I'm not profoundly embarrassed about is Lt. Governor Michael Steele, one of the few Black Republicans in office.
October: What's up with Zeke the Weenie chillin' in the bathroom sink?
November: This Halloween I finally realized that it's not necessary to hide out in your house with all the lights off in order to keep trick-or-treaters away.
December: See?... Dirty teeth can kill you.

I've concluded that I've had very little interesting to say for quite a while. Yet I still have readers. Some things never cease to amaze me!

Leafy greens

Despite my food paranoia (which I still have), I've really been into eating salads lately. Part of that desire is driven by my motivation to stop eating a diet of mainly chocolate and start eating healthy. But that salad dressing can really sneak up on you if you don't watch it. I love Ranch dressing but it has something like 800 calories in it, and folks, despite what you may tell yourself, eating lettuce with 800 fat calories does not make salad a healthy choice. So I've expanded my horizons and branched into the vinaigrette line of dressings.

(This is what it's come to, people. Me writing about salad dressing. Believe me -- I don't like it any more than you do, but until I get a flash of brilliance, this is all you're getting out of me. Salad dressing.)

So yesterday, I sat in the salad dressing aisle with my mother for at least ten minutes and examined every vinaigrette dressing available. We came away with three new dressings: honey mustard, red pepper italian, and sweet vidalia onion. The vidalia onion was delicious but made my breath stink for the rest of the day.

That's all I have.

Greetings

I've found that, instead of saying "Hi" or "Hello" to people, I've been slurring the two together in a great big "Helliiiii." It looks better written that actually said. It sounds really stupid. If you don't believe me, say it in response to the next greeting you get and then tell me what an idiot you feel like.

Just call me Reverend Doctor A. Flava

Or call me Papa Allison Clinton
or Ice Master A. Smooth
or Sweet Chocolate Allison Fresh...

What's your pimp name?

I'm a loser, baby

Apparently I'm the only one who didn't watch The Big Game last night. Who's with me? Anyone?

Back to work I go

After two months of hospitals and holidays, I must say that is feels remarkably good to get back into the swing of things. In years passed, I've always felt a big letdown after the busyness of Christmas, but this year getting back into the routine seems comforting. Eh. It's probably a sign of getting older.

Enough about me...shall we cover some news today? It's been awhile since I've ranted about current events. I find it interesting that the U.S. is called stingy and looked down on because we are apparently not giving enough in development aid to poor countries. I like what David Frum has to say:

...We have learned something over the past half century: development aid does not work very well – trade and investment do. The human lives lost to the tsunami cannot be restored by any amount of money. But the physical infrastructure destroyed will quickly be rebuilt and replaced, and mostly by private investors. The idea that countries like Thailand can only get capital by begging rich countries to give it to them has been discredited everywhere but the musty corridors of the UN.

I also like how insanely fickle people are. "Where is the U.S. aid in Asia? What about Darfur?! We need to help these people. They're being oppressed. Oh, but get out of Iraq! We have no business there! Let them fend for themselves." Or are those not comparable?

PS - Go congratulate Kim on her upcoming wedding!