Still Alive in 2005?

It's New Year's Eve and I'm thinking about resolutions and chocolate and mailing out Thank You cards. I'm glad to see this year go because it hasn't exactly been an easy year. And I'm optimistic about the upcoming year. However, I still haven't found that perfect initiative for 2005. For the past few years, they've been good:

Having Fun in 2001

Dress Like a Whore in 2004

Well, I really wasn't able to live up to 2004's (simple lack of opportunity), but the rest were achievable.

*Brainstorming*

Do the Hand Jive in 2005
Arrive Alive in 2005 - No drinking and driving!
Keep the Drive in 2005
Try to Survive 2005
Feeliing Deprived in 2005...

Help!

Oppressing the Black Wiseman

Every year, my mom pulls out the nativity set her sister made her years ago. When we were younger, we girls used to play with the beanbag figures, acting out the birth of baby Jesus with the shepards and angels and everything.

A few days before Christmas, my friend Mike was examining our Christmas tree. He leaned down really close to the nativity set and just started laughing. "Oh, I see how it is. Look at the negro wiseman! Is that the token brotha... Or is that Aunt Jemima? A Mammie? And, oh no! You got the Black man in the back! Come on, fella. Let's move you up front."

I had to convince Mike that the other two were Chinese or something and that we weren't intentionally trying to keep a brotha down.

*UPDATE* Becky thinks the angel looks like Joan Rivers on a good day.

Love

Oooooh. This blog about a single father who lost his wife to cancer did me in. I'm a blubbering idiot! *Sniff* What wonderful writing.

My gift to Dad

Howdy Partner,
I'm fixin' to head into town.
Words out some bandits are arrivin'
and I'll be there to give 'em
an unwelcome stay.
They'lll know better than to mess with the
WHOOPASS COWBOYS.
After usin' a li'l Whoopass on them bandits,
I'll use a li'l Whoopass on my steak.

I made an effort to give creative gifts this year. :-D

Finally! A post!

Sooo... I guess I better post something real. Content! I've been feeling so lazy lately. And I'm completely unmotivated to update this site. Ehhh.

The RADHOLE visit of 2004 was great fun from the time I picked Russ up from the airport. I told him to call my cell phone when he arrived.

Russ: Allison, I'm standing under the flashing lights by the crosswalk. I don't see you.
Allison: Um. I see the flashing lights. I'm right under them.
Russ: I don't see you. Are you on the upper level?
Allison: Do you see a big white truck?
Russ: Yes.
Allison: I'M BEHIND THE TRUCK!

I was a little nervous to see him again. I'm always a little nervous when I see people that knew me really well pre-wheelchair. I worry about what they think of me (because I've changed not only physically, but emotionally and mentally). It's silly to be so self-conscious.

Because Russ is unhealthily obsessed with space, the first place I took him was the new addition to the National Air and Space museum in Virginia. He took over 200 pictures in the hanger alone. We ate Mexican food, went to church, and then ate more Mexican. He went to New York on Monday but came back on the train (which was TWO HOURS LATE) on Tuesday. I picked him up at Union Station and then gave him the Allison Tour O'Crap of DC.

Allison Tour O'Crap
"...And now we're on Constitution Avenue. No, wait. This is still Pennsylvania. Crap. We'll just come back on Constitution. Oh look, that big building is the, uh... Is that the Old Smithsonian Castle? Well, there's the Washington Monument anyway. This is Independence. Crap. Where's Ninth Steet?! Did we miss Ninth?! Are we back on Pennsylvania?!

After pulling off at the Tidal Basin for pictures of the Jefferson Memorial, we made our way to Phillips Seafood. Unfortunately before we could consume our weight in delicious seafood, we had to stand by while 8 hostesses and servers collaborated on how to make the table high enough so my wheelchair could fit under it. First they brought out 7 inch high boxes and put them under the table legs so all we would have had to do was scrap the food off the plate directly into our mouths. It was ridiculous. Then they tried putting plates under the legs. After much ado, they finally got it right and I just filed the whole experience under More Awkward and Embarrassing Moments in Restaurant Dining.

We ate seafood. Oh, we ate seafood! It was a seafood buffet extravaganza. I ate pounds of fried shrimp. Russ ate all the snow crab legs. We ate five desserts. We are gluttons. There are starving children in Africa.

Our final destination was Annapolis. We drove around the historic part of the city and took pictures of the Maryland WWII Memorial. Russ is a digiwhore.

I had a great time with Russ as did my family and friends. It's nice to get visitors. Anyone else wanna come visit? I'll promise you the same Allison Tour O'Crap, a seafood extravaganza, a room at the Barnes Bed and Breakfast and so much more.

'Tis the season

Wo-hooo. Check out this Scared of Santa photo gallery. It's got some classic Santa photos. Among my favorites...

Amen, sister

"Nothing happens, and nothing happens, and then everything happens."

-Fay Weldon

Six

Today is my six-year anniversary of my car accident and spinal cord injury. I don't know... Perhaps I feel it even more this year because my college friend Russ is in town visiting. We sat in the kitchen last night talking about college and people and everything in between. These six years have flown by. When I was younger, I never pictured that I'd be living the lifesyle I am now. Well. We humans have an uncanny ability to adjust to the circumstances we are placed in.

Today, my friend Mike sent me an E-greeting card with a picture of a butterfly flying through the rain until the sun came out and all the tulips bloomed. It's a really cheesy card. But underneath the picture he wrote "I don't know what in the hell this card means, I just thought you might like the silly butterfly flying in the rain as much as I did. Maybe there's meaning in the silly butterfly. Just keep staring at the silly butterfly until you come up with something. Maybe that butterfly is you." Every once in awhile, Mike comes up with something inspirational.

Scary search strings

'Allison is a dork'?

'How to kill Allison'?

Come on, people. What kind of search strings are you typing in? Geez!

The beef tips did me in

Ever since I've been home from the hospital, I've been on a low-resolution diet. This basically means I can have all the foods that really have no nutritional value whatsoever. Example: Anything with refined white flour (white bread, pasta noodles), white rice, baked potatoes (with no skin), cheese, and certain meats. I can't have beans, vegetables, whole grains, or any kind of fiber. This may sound great to you but I've spent the last five years trying to eat tons of fiber and veggies. I miss my veggies!

So last night, I went to church to eat dinner. My church is awesome. Every Wednesday night, it provides dinner for a small fee so we don't have to cook. Last night's menu consisted of mixed vegetables, white rice, and beef tips in gravy. So I ate the beef and rice, but a 2 a.m. this morning I woke up feeling queasy. I instantly began panicking. "Oh, no... It's happening again," I thought. "My food's not digesting! I'm gonna have to go back to that hell-hole for another week! A GI tube will be down my nose forever! Oh, no. Russ is scheduled to visit Friday. Who will supervise him while I'm in the hospital?!"

Paranoia, folks. This is what it's come to. I woke up this morning feeling good. I'm paranoid. I've got to stop suspiciously eyeing my food. I know the baked potato I ate for lunch today looked shifty, but chances are I'll be okay.

It's a Wonderful Life in 30 seconds w/bunnies

Your favorite bunnies are back! Check out this Christmas classic.

Suffering II

Sooooo... The past month has sucked. I landed myself right back in the hospital again last week with a intestinal blockage. I know I complained before about the suffering. Well, this past week, I learned that suffering is all relative. This past week was probably the worst in my entire life...and I don't say that lightly. I won't even bother giving you the day-by-day rundown like I did last time. I'll just try to summarize.

I began getting really bad stomach pains two Wednesdays ago so I took a trip to the ER at 11 p.m. After violently vomiting in the waiting room, they quickly whizzed me back to see a doctor. So the hottest doctor I've ever seen in my life came in at 3 a.m. and ran some tests including a CAT scan and blood tests and discovered a blockage. Turns out none of my food or water was being digested properly because of the blockage so it was all just sitting in my stomach. The nurses then shoved a GI tube up my nose down into my stomach where it stayed for the next 5 days to suck all the food and acid out. I was admitted to the hospital and put on high-level antibiotics. A very long needle and catheter were inserted into my abdomen to suck out the infection. A million IVs were put in my arms. It hurt to move my head or speak or swallow because of the GI tube. Even though there was nothing left in my stomach, I continued to dry-heave every chance I got for the entire week! And the tears! Oh my goodness! The tears! And every day, when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, it always did. I'll spare you at least a few of the details.

I came home last Wednesday when the blockage was gone but, unfortunately, nobody can guarantee this won't happen again. But for now, I'm thrilled that I'm home, thrilled there is no tube down my nose, thrilled I can eat some foods again, thrilled I can sleep in my own bed without being awaken by a snoring roommate and beeping IVs, and thrilled my dry-heaving has subsided. Sorry for the lack of posting lately. And thank you so much to those of you who sent kind email, and packages (yay, Tricia!). They were so great to receive after a week from Hell.

The highlight of the week had to be all the gorgeous doctors. Never in my life have I seen such attractive members of the medical community. Imagine me with greasy, unwashed hair and a tube up my nose flirting with the hottie doctors. I had no chance in hell. No chance.

Shock Roulette

Guest Author: RAD

What’s the deal with this freakish product? Shock Roulette! They might as well sell handguns to youth and give them instructions on how to reenact the famous Vietcong roulette scene from “The Deer Hunter.” Happy Holidays to all!

No Mo Surgery

Guest Author: RAD

I spoke with Allison authorities yesterday and she does not require another surgery. I interpreted it as goodly news. She’s still in the hospital until “everything is working right.”

*UPDATE* She gets to go home tomorrow. I sopke with her on the phone! She didn't even call me Larry, which is proof positive that she is on the road to recovery.

Samuel L. Jesus

Guest Author: RAD

Allison is out of commission for a while and I have been asked to again take the reigns here at her website. I’ll let you know her condition when I know something. Supposedly they will know today if she needs to have more surgery. Until that time, you’re stuck with me. Muhahahahahahaha.

“Let anyone among you mofo’s who am without sin be the first to throw a stone,” said Samuel L. Jesus, "And whatever you ask in hope, you will receive, if you have faith. One more little thing. Say ‘Mace Windu’ again my brothers and sisters!! Say it again. I dare you, no I double dare you. Call me a master Jedi again...”

Got an extra seven minutes?

How To Kill A Mockingbird... This is soooo weird.

Plaque buster

See? Dirty teeth can kill you. Now you can stop mocking me for obsessing over my oral hygiene.