'An educational and funny toy'

The following story is brought to you by Dave and tinyplastichuts.com.

Muriel, the hired hand/milk maid hated her job. But it paid the bills. Yesterday, she absent-mindedly walked into the pig pen with her pail of cow's milk. She meant to bring it in the hut. It was these types of mistakes that forced her off her career path as a hair stylist and into manual labor. She just couldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors. Muriel hated pigs more than anything.

The pigs hated Muriel too. Stupid milk wench. She had stumbled into their domain one time too many. Maybe next time she'd think more clearly.

Old McDonald ran the farm. Everyday he'd walk the fields with his rifle and an old charred piece of crooked wood in his other hand. He liked to keep a good eye on his cows. He didn't trust Muriel with the milking. She constantly was wandering around in places she didn't belong and, more than once, he had to use the charred piece of wood to keep her in line.

Old McDonald was particularly irritated when the geese began pestering the cows. This seemed to happen more frequently in the past 4 months. The geese had actually grown larger than the cows and threatened their safety. He didn't hesitate to fire off a round or two when he saw any kind of aggression on their part. God bless the second amendment.

McDonald's wife Betty enjoyed her role as farmer's wife. She loved spending time with the chickens. She couldn't ever bring herself to kill them so whenever her husband wanted chicken for dinner, she'd drop a chicken off at the local SPCA and stop by KFC for a 12-piece bucket. She wasn't as fond of the rabbits. If they didn't start respecting her garden's boundaries, she'd see if she could borrow her husband's rifle.

Both Mr. and Mrs. McDonald were deeply concerned when they noticed that their chickens were larger than the pigs as well as the cows. McDonald vowed his wife was placing HGHs or steroids in the chicken feed. This caused more marital strife than the McDonalds liked to admit. Betty vehemently denied the accusation instead insisting that the growth was a direct result of the protein shakes she was blending the chickens in the morning.

McDonald had the brilliant idea to put the giant chickens up against the giant geese in a fight to the finish. He figured if the fight was vicious enough, he could charge the neighbors admission and perhaps sell popcorn or beer. Maybe that twit of a milk maid could make some ice cream.

The chicken-goose fight turned ugly when Muriel tripped over her boot and crashed through the pen. Old McDonald charred crooked stick wasn't quick enough to keep both chicken and goose from attacking.

The End.

Sisters

Long time coming

Eeeek. So it's been a full week since I posted! Ugh. Posting is work. And since I haven't been working lately, I guess it's pretty much gone by the wayside. Sorry, folks. I do feel dramatically better than I did last week though and today is, by far, the best I've felt in a long time. I've spent the past week mostly getting in and out of bed. Yesterday I had another appointment with the surgeon at the hospital (which went very well) and unfortunately the appointment ended in the middle of rush hour. It took 2 full hours to get home from a hospital that's 40 minutes away. That's insane. Nobody should have to sit in that kind of traffic. I've gotta move away from this congested area or I'm going to go crazy one day.

I'm scheduled to return to work on December 8. Hopefully, while I'm taking time off, I'll be able to knock out some Christmas shopping. I'm looking forward to chowing down on some Thanksgiving food tomorrow. The whole family will be home and I can't wait to spend some "quality time" with my sisters. If you're lucky, photos will be taken. :)

spacey news

Guest Author: RAD

Allison has yet to revoke my posting powers. I will now abuse my power.

I wanted to thank everyone for being so welcoming towards my taking over the reigns while Allison was away. Obviously, she is still sickly because it has been since November 17, 2004 that she had anything decent to say. I shake my fist at her for leaving all of us hanging. Until that time, read some spacey news here and here.

Allison lives

Ooooh, Internet. Never have I been so glad to get home from the hospital. I HAVE SUFFERED! I've survived a 6-hour surgery, 4 IVs, 4 blood withdrawals, 7 heparin shots, and a bowel prep. Let's just do a quick recap of the week. I apologize in advance if this is too much information. At least you're not one of the poor people that have to listen to me complain about all this in person. Read on:

MONDAY 8th
Checked into the hospital. As with any abdominal surgery, I was required to be completely cleaned out so I spent the majority of the day chugging a gallon of Go-Lytely. At first taste, I thought "What's the big deal? This stuff's like salt water." After 2 quarts, I discovered that it was indeed a big deal. A big nasty deal that wouldn't stay down within 30 seconds of drinking a glass. The nurses gave me an anti-nausea medication and I was able to finish another quart by midnight. I never want to drink the stuff again. Whoever named it Go-Lytely was an idiot. This should be called Go-Forever or Go-Nasty or Go-Nuclear-Meltdown or Go-Sit-On-The-John. I suffered that night.

TUESDAY 9th
Surgery scheduled for 7:30 a.m. I asked the prep nurse to make sure my surgeon didn't leave anything weird in me like a scalpel or a showercap. I asked my surgeon if he could do a little liposuction while he was in the area. He said no. My last words before I went under: "Don't use... plastic... tape! I could even feel my mouth getting all rubbery but I was determinded to make my desires known. Plastic tape tears up my skin. Of course, I woke 6 hours later with another IV held down with PLASTIC TAPE, but hey, at least there were no tears running down my face.

WEDNESDAY 10th
Spent most of the day high on painkillers. I have a feeling like I talked to a lot of people on the phone too but can't recall any specific conversations. My doctor wanted me up out of bed so I sat in a chair for a few hours and thought I was going to die. Die or pass out. I had my own button to push to release painkiller into my IV and I took advantage of that. All I could eat were ice chips. I had visitors that day. Megan came and knitted me a scarf and my friend Nichole brought me this crazy book as well as a variety of other weird things. I'm afraid I was very poor company.

THURSDAY 11th
Poor company again and still doped up on painkiller. My friends Mike and Erin visited but I think Mike got offended when I fell asleep 3 separate times when he was talking to me. I kept pretending like I was listening but it was hard to fool anyone with my glazed over eyes. Still, ice chips.

FRIDAY 12th
Breakthough day! The doctor took away my magic pain button which resulted in a much clearer mind and more coherent speech. I was alert! AND, more importantly, I discovered the Discovery Channel. (Get this: I had to pay $4.15 a day to watch TV there. Insanity.) American Chopper is my new favorite show. Just a tip: On Thanksgiving Day, the Discovery Channel will have American Chopper on ALL DAY LONG. Who needs football. It's a good thing I don't have cable TV at home. Friday I also realized that my hair was a matted, greasy, foul mess and, if I didn't do something about that soon, people would shun me. So I got my hair washed and was allowed to start drinking clear liquids. The latter made me suffer. SUFFER. Who knew apple juice produced 8 days worth of gas?

SATURDAY 13th
Being alert mean being bored. I spent the whole day trying to determine if those were pears or tassles that were pictured hanging from the rope in the wallpaper trim around the top of my hospital room. I was started on liquid foods like jello and italian ice. I used to think that it wouldn't be hard to eat jello for ever meal. Saturday I realized it was hard.

SUNDAY 14th
While a nurse was cleaning the surgery site, my doctor's partner walked in. I'd never met him before. He was a beautiful, beautiful man. I cannot stress this enough. Doctors aren't commonly this attractive. At least not my doctors. He asked me if I had any questions and I did, but at the moment I forgot because he was a beautiful man. He left before I was able to quiz him on his marital status, worldview, and superhero assessment. My nurse gave me this look that clearly said, "Did you know your doctor is A HOTTIE?!" I started eating solid foods like mashed potatoes and green beans.

MONDAY 15th
I finally determined that those things hanging from the wallpaper trim were tassles because why would fruit of any kind be hanging from a rope? When my doctor came in, I begged him to set me free because I felt fairly certain I would be delusional in a day or two. So all the staples came out and they pushed me out the door not more than one hour to the exact time I went in a week before.

Surgery sucks. Posting will probably be light because sitting at a computer isn't at the top of my list of comfortable things right now. However, posting may be heavy because of the boredom factor. Hard to say. I just want to thank all of you for your emails and comments and flowers. I've said it before... You guys are the best.

And thanks, Russ. Great job filling in.

I'm back!

Still feeling quite crappy. I'll post about my hospital experience when typing sounds more appealing.

I spake with Allison!

Guest Author: RAD

I spoke with Allison yesterday. She was medicated and still in the hospital. She is doing well save severe gas and stomach aches due to the only thing she can eat or drink: apple juice. She kept calling me Larry. I do not know a Larry.

I don't think she will remember the conversation. She was watching the Discovery Channel and laughing uncontrollably during a documentary about stealth weapons.

It's good to hear her voice and know that she is starting the road to wellness.

This is Larry signing off for the day.

The Glory

Guest Author: RAD

Haiku Corner

Guest Author: RAD

If Allison were Japanese, she would probably be a Haiku teacher. But she is not Japanese. She’s not a teacher either.

Haiku is one of the most important forms of traditional Japanese poetry. Haiku is, today, a 17-syllable verse form consisting of three metrical units of 5, 7, and 5 syllables.

I was so impressed by her haiku contest back in July, that I am calling all readers to leave some more ‘ku stains here. Come on now. It’s fun.

Here are my contributions:

Allison is missed.
Will she want a hamburger?
How much for some fries?

I just learned English
Before I spoke only Dutch
Dutch haters are mean

Haiku very fun
Traditional poetry
I spit on it bile

Do this today!

Guest Author: RAD

I received this email and thought it might be a good opportunity for somebody. Please contact Mr. Sikes immediately. It looks like a great prospect. I, unfortunately, do not cotton to those shady Middle Eastern business deals. Plus I don’t have a spare 7 thousand dollars or else I would so visit his spider hole in the deserts of Afghanistan.

--
Dear Sir or Madam:

Hello. My name is Jonah Mohammed Ali Sikes III.

Good day to you today American. I have big opportunity for you. If you loan me 7,000 American dollars, I will be able to retrieve my father’s millions from a secret bank account in Indiana USA. With your help, we can together be millionaires. Please give me your social security number, your credit card numbers, your original birth certificate, a valid email address, a copy of your driver’s license and a recent passport photo. Just think, we can be millionaires and live life of luxury. I currently live in Middle East, so it would be prudent for you to visit me in person and hand over the cash as soon as possible. Please email me at Mohammed_SikesIII@thisisascam.biz with your response to my quarry. Thanks you and goodly day.

Sincerely,
J. Mohammed Ali Sikes III

PS: You know you want this chance no pass you by!

--
Any takers? Email scams are stupid. However, I am sure there are some people who fall for them.

Post Surgery Words

Guest Author: RAD

While Allison is in the hospital undergoing abdominal surgery, she is graciously allowing me all sorts of privileged access to her website. While not abusing my new God-like powers, I thought I would start off on a hypothetical note.

I am going to speculate as to what Allison’s first words will be upon waking from surgery.

Russ Guess #1
“How long was I out? Please tell me I didn’t miss the newest episode of The OC,” cried Allison upon waking from surgery.

Russ Guess #2
“I had the strangest dream. Russ was there. Kim was there. Zeke the scared poopie dog was there. Many other people I knew where there. Steph wasn’t there because she was in Philadelphia on tour as an Aslee Simpson back-up singer. There’s no place like home,” babbled Allison before lapsing back into an unconscious sleep state.

Russ Guess #3
“My … eyebrows … need … waxing … ugh,” incoherently spoke Allison upon waking from surgery.

What do you think Allison will say upon waking from surgery?

Cut me open

Steph just left to go back up to Philadelphia and so here I sit, thinking about the week ahead of me. Tomorrow, I go into the hospital for abdominal surgery and will likely be there for a week recovering. In a huge way, I'm excited about this procedure because it will improve my quality of life. But let's face it: surgery of any kind really sucks. I hate the IV scars, the incompetent nurses, the hospital food, the ceiling tiles that beg to be counted, and the tears that roll down my face before I'm even awake. Waking up and not finding the air to breath is the worst part. As you can probably tell, I'm nervous about all of this.

As for you, my dear readers, I would hate to leave you unentertained. I've asked Russ (one of the most entertaining people I know) to fill in for me every now and then until I'm back. Who knows. I may post something mid week if I can find the energy or proper Internet access.

See you soon. :)

Cheap wine and cards

Answer me this

How far of a commute to work is too far? How long is your drive to work? Where is your tipping point? An hour?

Voting

Well. I voted yesterday. Not that my ballot really makes that much difference in the state of Maryland, but I'll cover that later. Before I even saw the school, I saw the cars parked on the sides of the road. I'd never seen so many people at a polling place and at 10 in the morning too! I turned into the parking lot and asked the man pretending to direct traffic if there were places for handicapped parking. His reply: "Drop them off at the door." I regularly interact with stupid people so his answer wasn't completely jaw-dropping. I followed up with "What if the handicapped person is driving?" He mumbled something about parking up front but making sure I stay in the car. And since I felt like staying in the car would kinda defeat the purpose of going to a polling place to vote, I ignored what he said, exited the parking lot, and found a nice spot on a residential street a block away. I've found that sometimes it's pointless to talk to some people.

I've never been so thankful for my 'B' last name. I got to pass about a million people and stand in the A-E line which had 5 people in it. So as a result, the whole thing took me about 20 minutes.

Maryland is a Blue state. A bright neon blue. Has always been that way. So it's completely demoralizing for those who are not Democrats to vote. Every single person or question I voted for lost, including county issues. I guess I might as well have stayed in the car.

But as much as I despise politics in Maryland, I thank God frequently that I'm not a stupid D.C. resident. (I was going to say 'ignorant,' but I realized that these people are fully aware of what they're doing.) 96% of the people in Ward 8 voted former mayor and crackhead Marion Barry to D.C. Council. I am amazed. Because many of you have no idea how stupid this man is, please let me enlighten you with some Marion Barry quotes:

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

"Bitch set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"

The fifth one down is by far my favorite because that stinkin' law of gravity... It hates handicapped people as well.

Halloween creepiness

This Halloween I finally realized that it's not necessary to hide out in your house with all the lights off in order to keep trick-or-treaters away. Apparently in this day and age, kids know that if the porch light isn't on, it's probably not very profitable to knock on the door. It wasn't like this when I was a kid. If the porch lights were off, it didn't matter. We were going to bang on the door anyway. And heaven help 'em if we saw the flicker of a TV set through the cracks of the shade. "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! I SEE YOU WATCHING TV!"

So instead of hiding out last night, Kim and her boyfriend and Erin came over with dessert and we watched The Bad Seed, a 1956 black and white about a psycho little girl with a penchant for murder. Can a propensity for cold-blooded murder be passed down from generation to generation? It was appropriately creepy... I'd much rather watch a classic like this than Saw or The Grudge. No blood and guts. No special effects. It's carried by the plot. I noticed that Hollywood is remaking this movie in 2005 and will no doubt butcher it as they do with many remakes. It's a shame. Might as well remake classics like 12 Angry Men or Casablanca.