Allison lives

Ooooh, Internet. Never have I been so glad to get home from the hospital. I HAVE SUFFERED! I've survived a 6-hour surgery, 4 IVs, 4 blood withdrawals, 7 heparin shots, and a bowel prep. Let's just do a quick recap of the week. I apologize in advance if this is too much information. At least you're not one of the poor people that have to listen to me complain about all this in person. Read on:

MONDAY 8th
Checked into the hospital. As with any abdominal surgery, I was required to be completely cleaned out so I spent the majority of the day chugging a gallon of Go-Lytely. At first taste, I thought "What's the big deal? This stuff's like salt water." After 2 quarts, I discovered that it was indeed a big deal. A big nasty deal that wouldn't stay down within 30 seconds of drinking a glass. The nurses gave me an anti-nausea medication and I was able to finish another quart by midnight. I never want to drink the stuff again. Whoever named it Go-Lytely was an idiot. This should be called Go-Forever or Go-Nasty or Go-Nuclear-Meltdown or Go-Sit-On-The-John. I suffered that night.

TUESDAY 9th
Surgery scheduled for 7:30 a.m. I asked the prep nurse to make sure my surgeon didn't leave anything weird in me like a scalpel or a showercap. I asked my surgeon if he could do a little liposuction while he was in the area. He said no. My last words before I went under: "Don't use... plastic... tape! I could even feel my mouth getting all rubbery but I was determinded to make my desires known. Plastic tape tears up my skin. Of course, I woke 6 hours later with another IV held down with PLASTIC TAPE, but hey, at least there were no tears running down my face.

WEDNESDAY 10th
Spent most of the day high on painkillers. I have a feeling like I talked to a lot of people on the phone too but can't recall any specific conversations. My doctor wanted me up out of bed so I sat in a chair for a few hours and thought I was going to die. Die or pass out. I had my own button to push to release painkiller into my IV and I took advantage of that. All I could eat were ice chips. I had visitors that day. Megan came and knitted me a scarf and my friend Nichole brought me this crazy book as well as a variety of other weird things. I'm afraid I was very poor company.

THURSDAY 11th
Poor company again and still doped up on painkiller. My friends Mike and Erin visited but I think Mike got offended when I fell asleep 3 separate times when he was talking to me. I kept pretending like I was listening but it was hard to fool anyone with my glazed over eyes. Still, ice chips.

FRIDAY 12th
Breakthough day! The doctor took away my magic pain button which resulted in a much clearer mind and more coherent speech. I was alert! AND, more importantly, I discovered the Discovery Channel. (Get this: I had to pay $4.15 a day to watch TV there. Insanity.) American Chopper is my new favorite show. Just a tip: On Thanksgiving Day, the Discovery Channel will have American Chopper on ALL DAY LONG. Who needs football. It's a good thing I don't have cable TV at home. Friday I also realized that my hair was a matted, greasy, foul mess and, if I didn't do something about that soon, people would shun me. So I got my hair washed and was allowed to start drinking clear liquids. The latter made me suffer. SUFFER. Who knew apple juice produced 8 days worth of gas?

SATURDAY 13th
Being alert mean being bored. I spent the whole day trying to determine if those were pears or tassles that were pictured hanging from the rope in the wallpaper trim around the top of my hospital room. I was started on liquid foods like jello and italian ice. I used to think that it wouldn't be hard to eat jello for ever meal. Saturday I realized it was hard.

SUNDAY 14th
While a nurse was cleaning the surgery site, my doctor's partner walked in. I'd never met him before. He was a beautiful, beautiful man. I cannot stress this enough. Doctors aren't commonly this attractive. At least not my doctors. He asked me if I had any questions and I did, but at the moment I forgot because he was a beautiful man. He left before I was able to quiz him on his marital status, worldview, and superhero assessment. My nurse gave me this look that clearly said, "Did you know your doctor is A HOTTIE?!" I started eating solid foods like mashed potatoes and green beans.

MONDAY 15th
I finally determined that those things hanging from the wallpaper trim were tassles because why would fruit of any kind be hanging from a rope? When my doctor came in, I begged him to set me free because I felt fairly certain I would be delusional in a day or two. So all the staples came out and they pushed me out the door not more than one hour to the exact time I went in a week before.

Surgery sucks. Posting will probably be light because sitting at a computer isn't at the top of my list of comfortable things right now. However, posting may be heavy because of the boredom factor. Hard to say. I just want to thank all of you for your emails and comments and flowers. I've said it before... You guys are the best.

And thanks, Russ. Great job filling in.

Posted by Allison at November 17, 2004 11:51 AM